The 100 Most Intense Moments of Degrassi’s First 10 Seasons (100-51)

No activity besides breathing has consumed more of my adulthood that Degrassi. It’s time to rank the madness.

100. Hazel’s Big Inflatable Whale

3.04 “Pride” Part 1

This episode, in which Marco comes out as a gay, begins at the beach. It’s super cloudy out, but that’s still the best beach weather Canadians can hope for. Hazel brings along a large inflatable whale, which the kids could take to the water if it wasn’t Ontario in September. So instead, they play volleyball and leave the whale with Ellie and the other trash.

99. Manny Called Racist

7.03 “Love is a Battlefield”

This episode is back from when Manny went blonde. I still have nightmares about it, so I cannot write anything more about the scene. Here’s what I had to say in the review:

Some girls whose names I do not know [EDIT: That was Holly J] –and will never care to learn no matter how long they are on the show– overheard that and did not understand it is was a joke. They believe that Manny is racist and accuse her of that in what I will assume is yoga class (when is the last time any of these kids has learned math or science?). Manny finds herself surrounded by angry black girls, including Chante Black, the blackest of them all.

98. Darcy Draws Snake to Seduce Snake

7.12 “Live to Tell”

This was the episode where Darcy went post-rape crazy, made romantic gestures toward Simpson (I guess after the trauma of rape, she felt safest around a man who had his testicles removed), and then accused him of molesting her. But that was all lame. The very best part of the episode was this, when Darcy tried to give Simpson a drawing of a snake.

Simpson tries to get away from Darcy because this sexual tension is really riding his chastity belt hard. Darcy considered the drawing to be a wedding proposal, so Simpson’s rejection sends her into a crazy mood and she cuts off a lock of her hair and runs away. I think she also held some scissors to her wrists.

97. Alli Runs Away

10.40-41 “Hide and Seek” Parts 1 & 2

This moment would rank higher if it involved someone other than Alli. She had the lamest running away story ever.

Johnny is on the phone trying to convince Alli to not run away to Vancouver because, if she does, the best case scenario for her still involves prostitution. Alli counters that if she was able to sleep on a park bench last night and not get raped then she can survive on her own. This seems to be around where Johnny realizes he has never actually liked Alli all that much and decides to leave her to her own devices. Being the street smart young lady she is, Alli immediately gets her backpack stolen by a homeless person.

96. Jenna Pregnant for, Like, 14 Months

10.17 & 18 “Tears Dry on Their Own” Parts 1& 2

And she didn’t even know she was pregnant until five months in. I know that Degrassi exists in this time warp where a school year can last more than two calender years, but it was still about nine months until the episode where she gave birth aired.

Jenna doesn’t have parents, so her brother goes with her to her prenatal exam. He is the Tracker of this generation.

Jenna has had this baby feeding off of her blood for 20 weeks now, which is like half of the pregnancy. She just didn’t notice that she hadn’t had her period in six months. Jenna is stupid, so I can buy that.

Because the baby is almost ready to burst it is too late for an abortion. If she were to get an abortion now the baby would get pulled out and look into her eyes and ask, “Why momma why?” and the physiological trauma to Jenna would be too much to take. So it looks like she is going through with this, unless she gets a magic abortion from a voodoo woman.

95. Raditch Loves His Swiss Exercise Ball

3.16 “Take On Me”

I called it a “Swedish” ball at the time, but they are actually known as Swiss balls (even though they were invented in Italy).  Whatever, they are both smelly neutral countries. Anyway, this was my first ever animated .gif.

Instead of watching the kids, Raditch goes off to the gym and works out with a giant Swedish exercise ball. I guess Raditch just takes over the school every weekend and makes it his own. I’m seeing a whole new side of Raditch here, and it’s a side that shows he should really not be put in charge of a school.

94. Toby Motorboats JT

2.15 “Hot for Teacher”

Every high school has two guys who seem to be have a friendship that’s a little too close. There’s no positive proof but just by the way they act they have most of the student body convinced they are butt fucking. Not in a gay way, just in a “Hey we aren’t going to have ever sex with women anyway” kind of way. JT and Toby are these two people.

–JT/Toby Character Bio

93. Pee Fight

9.06 “Wanna Be Startin’ Something”

I figured Degrassi would sink lower in season 9 than it did in season 8. I just never thought it would it get to the point where there would be an episode about two guys throwing pee on each other. You really managed to surprise me there, Degrassi. Touche. Touche.

92. Holly J Pees Herself

10.40 “Hide and Seek” part 2

The show really liked pee and poop around this time. It goes there!!!!

As you can see, Holly J peed a lot. There also appears to be a turd on the floor behind her. While it is not certain it can be assumed Holly J also pooped while she was peeing.

91. Jenna Poops Herself

10.10 “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” Part 2

Turns out I never reviewed this episode. I thought I did, but I didn’t find it in the archives, and now I remember why. Rather than a review, I had this idea to write an outline of the episode in the style of a Shakespearean play. It would be set in the late 1500s in New France, which was what Canada was at the time. Sav would be Savladin, son of a Musliman, who steals his father’s prize stallion to prove he is a man. Fiona becomes Lady Coyn, daughter to the English consulate, and Jenna becomes Gwenevere, a whoreish troubadour. I started writing it, but then lost everything on that PC to a virus, and thought it was too much work to start over. Oh well. Here’s the best picture I could find of Jenna pooping herself.

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