A 9,200 Word Recap of Degrassi Season 14, Episodes 1-12

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Intro | Allie & Dallas | Becky | Clare & Drew (& Eli)

I watched the first part of season 14 of Degrassi recently. I am not going to recap individual episodes, because God help me, I have to cure my addiction to this dumb show. I didn’t tell my therapist I would be writing this recap. She would not approve. My therapist tells me I need to avoid Degrassi for my own well-being. It’s the biggest issue affecting my mental health. First, she is helping me to deal with my Degrassi issue, then we can move onto having been molested by my uncle. Yup, my uncle molested me. All of them did, in fact! Some families sure are something, eh? Boy, did I have adventures as a kid…

EPISODES:

  1. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” (Oct 28, 2014)
  2. “Wise Up” (Nov 4)
  3. “If You Could Only See” (Nov 11)
  4. “Can’t Stop This Thing We Started” (Nov 18)
  5. “There’s Your Trouble” (Nov 25)
  6. “(You Drive Me) Crazy” (Dec 2)
  7. “I’ll Be Missing You” (Dec 9)
  8. “Hush” (Dec 16)
  9. “Something’s Got to Give” (Dec 23)
  10. “Hero vs. Villain” (Dec 30)
  11. “Firestarter” Part 1 (Jan 6, 2015)
  12. “Firestarter” Part 2 (Jan 13)

fire

The first episode begins with a fire alarm. All the students are exiting the school. Miles heads the opposite way, pushing past kids and calling out for his little sister. The scene was way less dramatic than the producers intended. School fires aren’t terribly dangerous, really. At least since they stopped making schools out of wood, a hundred years ago. Usually, the fire alarm means at best only part of one room is on fire. Or too much smoke came out of an oven in home-ec. Or some punk ass jive turkey pulled the alarm as a prank. The point is, schools are very large buildings and the reason to get all the students out in a hurry is for liability reasons. We know how litigious modern parents can be if their child dies in a fire!

And really, if you do catch on fire, there is nothing you can do to stop it. “Stop, Drop, and Roll” is a myth; some useless procedure the government came up with to make us feel safe, like “Duck and Over”. No, if you do catch on fire, all you can do is stand there and not struggle. You’ll be better off if you make peace with your fate and allow yourself to be consumed by the flames.

Anyway, we the viewers are then sent back ten weeks earlier, to the beginning of the term. Becky and Drew kiss. Becky is the captain of the cheer squad and preparing to hold tryouts. Tristan wants to join, but Becky says no boys are allowed. That is mean. Tristan likes boys, spends too much time on his appearance, only cares about gossip and stupid TV shows, and is really annoying to listen to. He’s pretty much a girl in every way that matters.

Here’s what our gang of dumb butts is up to:


Alli & Dallas

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Alli has been accepted into Cambridge, which is a prestigious university in England, but I only know of because several Monty Python members went there. This makes that whole story from season 12 where she was offered a spot at M.I.T. but only if she hustled her ass and graduated early kind of silly, in retrospect. She never needed to take on all that stress for M.I.T. She’s a genius who could get into whatever elite school she wanted.

Dallas is Alli’s boyfriend, and upset that she is going off to the UK and leaving him behind. Except they haven’t been together all that long, and don’t most high school couples break up after graduation, anyway? Plus, we are told they haven’t even had sex! Dallas really wants to, but Alli is being frigid. “But you’ve done it with other guys,” argues Dallas. And she did too! I love Dallas.

After resolving the fight from that remark, the two decide that Dallas should play hockey in Europe so they can be near. As long as he gets recruited by a team in Great Britain, which doesn’t have much of a hockey culture. Nor does any country near Great Britain. If Ireland had hockey, that would be great, because it’s close by and Dallas could just hop in a rowboat and head to see Alli on the weekends. But there is not any hockey in Ireland. Most likely, Dallas would get recruited by a team in Finland or Belarus.

Anyway, Alli agrees to have sex with Dallas when she gets aroused after he almost beats up Miles. But those plans—those sexy, sexy plans—are put to a halt. More on that down below (NO PUN INTENDED!!!!!).


Becky

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Becky makes her first visit to her brother Luke, who is locked up in juvenile detention because he raped Zoë. Last season, Degrassi gave us* an episode based on the Steubenville High rape. That was the totally bananas incident where a high school girl was raped by two football players (only one was black). They even filmed it and put it on Instagram. You know how kids these days love social media.

Back to Becky and Luke. As I always say, if you do the crime, then you got to do the time on the taxpayers’ dime. Though I suppose if you are going to commit rape, it’s best to do so as a minor. You won’t be locked up for as long as an adult would, and the court records will be sealed after you turn 18. I don’t think Canada tries minors as adults, or even has a sex offender registry. Pretty sweet deal for Becky’s bro, I gotta say.

Anyway, Becky is the person who turned Luke in to the police. So yeah, that’s going to make for something pretty awkward Thanksgivings. Pretty awkward, indeeeed. Luke tells Becky he forgives her for putting him in here. Becky is pissed that Luke thinks she is the one who needs to be forgiven in this situation. But ratting out family is pretty low. Why would you side with a washed up teen actor like Zoë over your own brother? If my brother raped Hillary Duff, I would keep my mouth shut…other than asking if she was good in bed.

Later, Becky auditions for whatever the teen band is this year. She isn’t really familiar with rock, though, and sings “Cherry Bomb” like Rachel from Glee would. She still gets in the band.

Actually, it’s not a band, it’s a folk duo with a Christian boy who looks like Marco but even gayer, if you can imagine!

*by ‘us’, I mean ‘you’. I certainly did not watch that season.

Clare & Drew (& Eli)

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Drew got Clare pregnant.

What now?

Every time I skip a season and come back, I see kids who have never spoken to each other are now having sex. What the heck? The freaky-deaky free love Sixties never ended, it just migrated to a Canadian magnet school.

When Clare tells Drew, he says this couldn’t have happened because he used a condom. Drew also says the condom was not expired and he used it correctly. Then the only plausible explanation is that Drew’s sperm are so powerful the condom could not contain them. Those little things punched their way through.

Drew and Becky are a couple so this will cause all sorts of trouble.

Also, Clare got accepted to Columbia. She found out when a text message was sent to her during class. I would think an Ivy League university would have a more formal way of informing prospective students. Right at that moment, Clare gets her period. Yes, in class. A wonderful throwback to the classic episode, “Coming of Age”.

Alli escorts Clare to the bathroom and says this is good news because Clare can’t be pregnant if she is going through her monthly woe. Alli knows this because she is a scientist.

Zoë overheard them talking. She was in the very last stall. We see her come out of the stall with her clothes on perfectly and a purse around her shoulder. It didn’t look like she had business to do in there. Was she just hanging out in the bathroom? Maybe she likes to sit on the toilet seat and be alone (it’d be a good place for quiet reflection). The point is, Zoë knows Drew knocked up Clare. More on that on the next page.

Clare goes to the hospital, where the doctor tells her that she did not get her period. That was just random blood leaking from her butt—no worries. She also informs Clare that yes, she really is pregnant! The doctor says this is good news because many women cannot have children after getting cancer. No, the doctor actually said that.

After getting told about this out from Zoë, Becky breaks up with Drew, but gets back together when she finds that the only boys willing to date her are super annoying Christians.

Eli comes back to town, on break from classes at NYU. He showed up without telling Clare because he is like that. Eli and Clare are still together and he is still as thoughtless as ever. Clare has to find a way to tell him the news. I think she should lie for nine months.

Eli: Clare, your belly is getting really big.

Clare: Yup. I love hotdogs. Yum. Yum. I eat so many hotdogs I’m fat. Oh look at fatty, fat hotdog eater me!

[The baby suddenly pops out of Clare]

Clare: What the fuck is THAT?

Clare and Drew have a meeting with their mothers. Their fathers are not here, because Degrassi is a cheap ass show that couldn’t afford two additional actors for this episode. I think both of their dads are around somewhere; pretty sure we’ve seen them before. Maybe Canada is a deeply old fashioned society where the women take sole responsibility for pregnancy and child care and the men don’t get involved until the child is old enough to go on their first moose hunt.

Clare’s plan is to attend Columbia and raise the baby with Eli’s help. This is the first Drew’s mom has heard of Eli and demands a paternity test. A wise idea. Also, Clare explains that she will not abort the fetus because this may be her only opportunity to have a child, especially if her cancer returns. That’s an understandable reason for keeping the baby. Usually, the explanation on this show is more like, “I can’t get an abortion. If I do, it will only be one episode of drama. If I keep it, we can get two seasons at least!”

Clare tells Eli the news. Eli doesn’t want to live in New York City with her if a baby is going to be pooping everywhere. Good on Eli for not submitting to raise some other man’s baby, unlike that cuckold Joseph. Even if the reason is that Eli doesn’t want to have to share his Lego stash with a dumb kid.

Eli takes out his rage by punching Drew in the face. Drew could kill Eli for that, but lucky for Eli, Drew is a man of peace and backs away. This is why Eli fights people so often. A normal sized man would never go around hitting other men every week; you might get you ass kicked. But a normal man looks at a 5’2” runt like Eli and thinks, “I could hit this little shit back, but I’d kill him with one punch.” So he backs off and Eli gets to feel like a tough guy. You ever have a poodle or other tiny dog try to bite your ankles? You easily could kick it out of your way, but that might kill it. So you are the one who gets out of its way and let the little thing have a victory. And now that poodle is walking around thinking it’s a doberman.

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Just like Clare, Drew has to balance taking time for this pregnancy with the person he is dating.  Unlike Clare, he is not pregnant, so it is easier. He blows off a baby class with Clare to have dinner with Becky and her grandmother. Grandma Becky is a religious jerk like the rest of the family. Drew gets a text message saying the baby kicked, and Grandma Becky judges him for having a child out of wedlock. The Bible says you are not supposed to be judgmental, but the only Christians who noticed that passage are five men who run a communal farm in Vermont. They grow soybeans and acceptance. Besides, Becky’s family is involved with an organization lobbying the Canadian government to make the moment when the fetus can kick when it is legally considered a person.

The next day, Drew buys Becky a smoothie to apologize. Becky says she needs more of him, but Drew says he can’t while he has a child. He can’t devote more time to Becky for the next 20 years. So they have to break up. Becky is mad and says:

“This apology smoothie is now a breakup smoothie!”

And splashes it on Drew. What is with girls and throwing drinks? Learn to throw a punch like a man.

babyviewthing

Drew goes to Clare’s ultrasound. It’s a boy! Clare and Drew agree to name the baby Adam. This baby has a penis, so it’ll be an ever better Adam!

When the doctor has Clare alone, she informs Clare the baby is 16 weeks old. 16 weeks! That means the baby can’t be Drew’s.

Eli is the father! POW! PLOT TWIST!!

How does Clare get laid so much? She is frumpy and has no personality. She must be a real easy lay.

And Jesus Christ, Clare, way to wait this long to find out who the father is. You’re barely a step above going on Maury.


Clare has to tell Drew and Eli the truth, but is afraid. So she tells Alli, her bestie. Alli has to keep it secret, but then tells Dallas, her boyfriend. Now Dallas has to keep the secret, even though Drew is his bestie.

Dallas tells Drew. Now Drew is mad at Clare for not telling him, Clare is mad at Alli for telling Dallas, and Alli is mad at Dallas for telling Drew. Alli was all set to take Dallas to bed, spread her South Asian legs and let him explore the  subcontinent, if you get my drift *nudge nudge wink wink*. But now sex will not happen!

Shiiiiiiiiit. You know, it’s easy for most men to claim to have honor, to live by the code ‘Bros before Hos’. But most men wouldn’t be willing to pay the price Dallas did. At the very least, Drew should give Dallas a handjob. He owes him that much.

#BlackDickMatters

Clare has to tell Eli the truth before someone else does. But Eli is so unstable this won’t be easy. Eli is still pissed about Drew and doesn’t want to hear anything from Clare. “Don’t even speak to me,” Eli tells her. “Talk to the hand!” Clare begins to cry. Eli digs the knife in deeper when he says:

“Oh, didn’t expect to see those from such a whore.”

Clare runs away without telling him.

Back to school. Jenna finally appears in the episode, but doesn’t have anything to say. Considering she got pregnant before, you would think she would have some advice for Clare. And how, out of these three friends, is an ditz like Alli the only one to not get knocked up? The hell?

bacon

Mr. Simpson thinks he can mentor kids now, because he spends all day with them and secretly enjoys the same music and TV shows they do. He tells Clare that his wife got pregnant while at Degrassi, but made it through. “She has a solid career as a hairdresser,” says Simpson, “and even married a really hot guy.” No, he really said that.

This traumatizes Clare. She has a nightmare where she has two kids and is married to Simpson, to whom she feeds bacon by hand. It’s gross, but I also kind of wish this was a spinoff show. It’s a better premise than The L.A. Complex was.

Clare talks with her mom and now the plan is for her to stay in Toronto after high school. So I guess Clare will be on the show for another season or two. Oh Christ, that probably means Eli will be too. The producers need to have a firm rule that a cast member leaves the show when his or her characters leaves high school. Following the kids into college never fit Degrassi, no matter how much they tried. It’s not like Clare or Eli are particularly interesting either. The series just recycles personalities and Clare and Eli are just boring versions of Emma and Craig.

Anyway, Imogen finds out Eli is the father of Clare’s baby and blurts this out to him while he is working at the Dot. Eli dashes out to find Clare, even though he is on the clock.

But Clare does not want him in her life, telling him off by saying, “Because you have a long history of totally rational reaction.” Sarcastic Clare is the best Clare. She doesn’t want Eli, with his anger issues, around a little child. The first time the baby accidentally deletes Eli’s Pokémon game, Eli will chuck him out a window.

 

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