A 9,200 Word Recap of Degrassi Season 14, Episodes 1-12

 

The Cheerleaders

the-fall-of-becky

Zoë had hopes of making the cheer team, but Becky won’t let her in because she was raped, and rape is nothing to cheer about, people. It’s an extra dick move since the rapist was Becky’s brother. I thought we were supposed to start liking Becky after all that stuff with Adam. But here she’s the villainess. I can’t keep track of whether she is a good or bad person. This is goddamn Peter all over again.

Also, Zig is Zoë’s boyfriend, and wears a leather jacket. He should ride a motorcycle, and say “eh”, and be able to start up a jukebox by hitting it, and live in an apartment above a friend’s family’s garage.

After Zoë finds out about Drew knocking up Clare, she tells Becky—right before the squad is to perform for an assembly. Becky is so upset that she can’t keep her balance and falls from the top of the pyramid, busting her leg. Whoa!

zoe-queenbee

Now Zoë gets to replace Becky and quickly takes command of the squad. She leads the girls in a badass slow walk down the hall while hip-hop plays. Cheer team is ruthless. Paige was deposed as captain much the same way. Holly J was overthrown as captain when she crossed Mia. I don’t know if any cheer captain has managed to hold on to the position up to graduation. Being captain of the Degrassi cheerleaders is a lot like being Roman Emperor. You have the power, but constantly have to watch your back for an usurper ready to assassinate you.

Zoë has back the confidence she lost from her rape. She grabs Zig’s butt in class. But Zoë gets pissed when she sees that random 9th grade girls are constantly texting him pictures of their boobs. Zig doesn’t know who any of these girls are, but they won’t stop. Zig is so awesome! Every girl wants him now that he’s the Fonz.

zig-abs

To apologize, Zig writes “I Love You” on his bare chest and presents himself to Zoë while she is with the cheerleaders. All the girls have their eyes on him. Some experience their very first orgasm. Zoë doesn’t like this, however. Man, Zig needs to stop trying so hard to please her. He can get any female he wants with those abs. At least three chicks and a dude are checking him out in that screencap.


The cheer squad has to fundraise, as every Degrassi cheer squad has since time immoral. But it is not for uniforms this time. They need to rent a bus to go to a competition. I would think the school would have buses available. At my high school, the sports teams could use the buses for free. They only had to pitch in to buy the bus driver a six-pack of beer he could drink in the parking lot while the game was going on.

degrassi-nudes

Zoë doesn’t want to hold sexy carwashes or bake sales. No, she has a quicker way to make a quick loonie, and quick. And it was inspired by Zig. Her plan is for the squad to sell pictures of their boobs. They’ll set up a mobile app where a boy can order with a prepaid credit card and request a certain girl. That girl will then send him a photo of her naked breasts. She will not show her face, so it will be anonymous. Also, the website will delete the photo after a few seconds, erasing it forever as there is no known way to press a button and take a picture of a computer screen. I’m pretty sure this is based off an app that exists in real life and someone needs to tell m what that is.

Zoë is able to get all of the cheer girls to participate. I think all the boys paying for this are Degrassi students. You would think this would quickly attract adult men, but the show doesn’t go there. Maybe you can only use the app from inside Degrassi. We do see a boy using it while in class. Hell, the thing is even named Degrassi Nudes.

I can’t for a moment believe Apple would have approved this app for iTunes. But I can believe Google did. Google Play doesn’t appear to have standards and will allow just about any dirty app for Android. It’s why my phone is an Android.

It isn’t long before the squad can afford that bus ride. The girls should have just offered to show the bus driver their boobs. They would have only had to do it once.

Zoë is even able to buy a whole bunch of equipment for the squad. They now have floor mats. Does the school not give the squad any resources? Degrassi has 5000 computers and gets remodeled every two years; they could afford to throw some cash to their sports teams. No matter. The girls made so much money that Zoë buys them all iPads. Teenage boobies are worth a lot of loonies.

And they’ve only been at it for a week, too.

gift-from-sister-to-brother

Miles’s little sister is cheerleader, but a reluctant member of this cabal. She wants out after she sent her twin brother a boobies pic. Oh yeah, rich kids getting incesty. We’ve seen that before!

Zoë calls a committee of cheerleaders and censures Miles’s little sister for not meeting her boobie pic quota. Miles’s sister cries and is kicked out of the squad and has to turn in her iPad. That is harsh. Zoë was upset about not making the squad originally, but is now happy to kick another girl out. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.


doll

The next day, the squad holds a bake sale in the school foyer; their third this month. They have to put on fake fundraisers to cover up for Degrassi Nudes. Man, scheming is so much work! Today is also Zoë’s birthday. A random black kid hands her a box and says, “Someone told me to give you this.” Inside is a doll in in a cheer outfit. It looks just like Zoë but with more life in its face.

Zoë pulls the cord on its back to hear it talk. In a creepy voice it says, “I know about Degrassi nudes.” Oh my, that is creepy.

At lunch, Zoë gets a text message from an anonymous person telling her to quit cheerleading or this person will spill the beans about Degrassi Nudes—all the beans! Zoë goes to Grace for help as Grace is the only girl in school who knows anything about computers. They shut down Degrassi Nudes to prevent it from blowing up into The Fappening: Degrassi Edition.

Zoë tells Grace she can’t quit cheer because the cheer girls are her only friends. I don’t remember if she had friends before that. Maybe all her friends were better friends with Becky’s brother, and they’d rather visit him in juvie than hang out with her. Grace only has online friends so she can understand.

Grace says she will look into who is behind the messages, but then spends the rest of the day making comments on Youtube.

At practice, all of the girls get anonymous texts telling them to kick Zoë off the squad or else Degrassi Nudes will be exposed.

Way to rip off Pretty Little Liars. The Degrassi producers are super jealous of how popular that show is. It’s their own damn fault. They had Shay Mitchell, but let her slip from their fingers. Anyway, Zoë and the rest of the cheerleaders have to figure out who A is.

It’s probably Becky.

graceandgals

cell-phone-towerThe squad goes back to Grace, who is able to triangulate where the calls came from. She does this in a couple of seconds using just one girl’s cellphone, which I don’t think is possible, but whatever, it’s not the most unrealistic thing on this show—not by a long shot. Grace traces the call to Miles’s home. Actually, what is funny is she traces it to a cell phone tower on their property. It’s located in the pool. No, for real. It is. Look at the screencap. The girls think Miles’s sister is A, out for revenge after getting the boot. But A is her twin brother.

interrogation

The cheerleaders corner Miles’s brother. He is alone in a classroom with his laptop, where he has been digitally drawing a comic book about a superhero who slaughters zombie vampire cheerleaders. The girls threaten to report him for that unless he stops bothering them. Miles’s brother is one of those super awkward Tobys who is scared to be around girls, so he begs them to leave him alone and turn the lights back off when they leave go.

We then go to the cheer competition, which our Degrassi girls win. Wow. Zoë is the greatest cheer captain in Degrassi history. She’s the bitch that gets shit done.

Back at Degrassi, Miles’s brother is again working on his comic book, with a little Asian girl at his side. For some reason, the only females awkward white nerds are comfortable around are Asian. I think because Asian girls remind them of characters in the anime they masturbate to.

Anyway, Miles’s brother has no idea what the cheerleaders were accusing him of. He just said what they wanted so they would leave him alone. So he is not A!

“Whatever they get,” says the mysterious Oriental of the cheerleaders, “they deserve it.” Could this person we never met before be A!??

Yup, the writers are seriously jealous of Pretty Little Liars.


imogen-gasp

Imogen finds out about Degrassi Nudes. Her girlfriend is one of the cheerleaders, but Imogen doesn’t know they are behind it. Imogen, being Imogen, shows one of the boob pics around school and asks everyone she sees if they know who these melons belong to. The funny thing is, when girls find out about this, they are pissed. But the boys have to feign shock and act like this is the first time they have ever heard of Degrassi Nudes. “Huff duff That such a misogynistic app would circulate in this school is an outrage! I would never objectify a woman by looking at her breasts. Huff duff.” While inside, they are hoping Imogen gets flattened by a semi-truck for exposing this.

Principal Simpson makes Imogen stop. This is awkward for him as it is the first time he has ever seen breasts. Spike always made him leave the room before she took off her shirt.

Imogen later realizes the boobs in the picture belong to her girlfriend. I knew Imogen is not a real lesbian! It wouldn’t have taken a real lesbian two days to recognize her girlfriend’s bazoongas.

Imogen goes to Eli for some girl-to-girl talk. Imogen says she wanted to send out a picture of her boobs to get revenge on her girlfriend. “But I couldn’t do it,” says Imogen. She means that she couldn’t do it because she does not know how to use a computer. She tried to upload a boob picture, but ended up sending it as an email attachment to her cousins.

Simpson needs to find out who responsible for Degrassi Nudes. To do so, he will hold a school-wide assembly. Which is a terrible way to get to the bottom of this.

Zoë gets another threatening text and almost beats up Miles’s little brother, until he proves that he is not A. Now suspicion falls back on Miles’s sister.

blackmail

Don’t worry, Zoë has a scheme. She asks Miles’s sister to rejoin the squad. Miles’s sister happily does so. In the locker room, she gets undressed to get back into her uniform. And Zoë snaps a naked picture of her. Now Zoë can frame Miles’s sister for Degrassi Nudes. As her father is running for office, the scandal would rock her family to its very foundation! The rest of the cheerleaders enter and stand behind Zoë, like out of one of those teen-girls-are-bitches movies from the ‘80s and ‘90s. Upset, Miles’s sister claims she is not the one threatening Zoë and says:

“You think putting on a cheerleading uniform can cover up what you are? You’re rotten inside. You’re a villain and you deserve the absolute worst to happen to you!”

At the assembly, Zoë makes a stirring speech denouncing women’ breasts, utilizing all of her acting skills to make it so no on suspects she is the mistressmind behind Degrassi Nudes. Everyone applauds, except for Miles’s little sister. Zoë gets a How the Grinch Stole Christmas moment. Her heart grows three sizes and she deletes the blackmail photo of Miles’s sister. She did it right from the podium as Simpson was standing beside her. Lucky he did not see that.

At that moment, Simpson’s phone buzzes. He gets a text. Everyone in school does! It tells them the cheerleaders are responsible for Degrassi Nudes. Shit, A is good. How did A know everyone’s number?

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A PTA meeting is held to address Boobiegeddon. Principal Simpson tries to lead it, but all the moms yelling at him make him frightened. Due to years of living with Spike, Simpson has a mental trigger that associates a woman raising her voice with taking out a BDSM whip, and he can’t handle that—not at work. So he puts Clare, the student council VP, in charge.

Clare says that there is no proof that the cheerleaders are responsible, and that Degrassi offers girls many opportunities to excel. Clare points to herself as an example.

“Didn’t you wind up pregnant?” asks one of the moms.

The room falls silent.

Degrassi is constantly nonsense; every episode, all episode. But I got to hand it to the writers here: they totally nailed down the obnoxiousness of a typical suburban high school mom.


Before the Mounties can pin the crime on her, Zoë raises the threat to Miles’s sister by creating a Facerange page stating that Mile’s sister was the ringleader of Degrassi Nudes. Miles’s sister goes crying to that Asian kid, her boyfriend. This is when we learn that Asian kid is A. I should have known. After all, ‘Asian kid’ starts with an ‘A’!

The press finds out about the Facerange page and the scandal hits Miles’s father’s campaign. He wants his daughter to take full responsibility for this in front of the press. (I’ll get into this more on the next page).

Miles’s sister runs away and meets up with her beloved Asian kid in the alley behind the Dot. She cries and tells him:

“I want to make Zoë pay.”

big-cheer-hair-bows

Meanwhile, Degrassi is hosting the Cheerleading Finals. Zoë presents her girls with a final purchase from their erotic endeavor: big hair bows. According to this show, all the best cheer squads have big hair bows. Like your mom says, the bigger the better. All the girls squeal.

Before the Degrassi squad is to perform, Zoë gets a text from Zig asking for  some loving. Zoë goes off to get some while she has the time.

 

 

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