A 9,200 Word Recap of Degrassi Season 14, Episodes 1-12

Imogen | Maya | Miles & Tristan | That Asian Kid | Zig

Imogen

ballet

Imogen is dating a girl, one of the new Degrassi cheerleaders. Like when she was with Fiona, they haven’t done anything more than kiss. Imogen is not a lesbian and would throw up if she had to touch another girl’s vagina. She just likes to feel cool and alternative. It’s why she pretended to be interested in Adam for a time.

Imogen’s girlfriend wants them to be polyamorous, which is something she learned about on Tumblr last night. Imogen agrees to this and goes on Wikipedia to find out what that means. She spent an hour reading about polygons before realizing she was on the wrong page.

Imogen’s girlfriend quickly finds a second girl to date, causing Imogen to ask Eli out (Eli being about as short and insane as a girl). Eli turns her down.

Imogen does not like this, no sir, not one bit. She goes to her girlfriend’s ballet class and says she does not want to be poly, she wants to be whatever the opposite of that is, i.e. what they were before: just the two of them. Imogen is all, “I love you Imogen’s girlfriend [I forgot her name]!” Imogen says all this in front of all the children in the class. AWKWARD!

The next day, Imogen’s girlfriend agrees to remain monogamous and that is the end of that. This story was weird, even by Imogen standards.


Maya

maya-nightmare

Since their relationship ended, Maya can’t stop dreaming about Miles. They aren’t romantic dreams, either; she has nightmares about him dying. Maya is way too obsessed. She is not getting enough sleep and even has these nightmares at school.

The problem is, Miles is dating a boy now. To win him back, Maya should walk up to him with a cucumber stuffed in her pants and be like, “Yeah I found this bad boy hanging off me. I don’t know how it happened, but let’s you and me put it to good use.” If someone told her that plan would work, she would totally do it, too. Maya is weird like that now.

Or she is still traumatized by Cam’s suicide and desperately needs therapy. Or she’s a weirdo. Whatever.


Miles & Tristan

lunch

Yup. Miles and Tristan are boyfriend and boyfriend*. I don’t think Miles identifies as ‘gay’ exactly, he just likes penis. Kids these days.

Miles’s dad is a running to replace Rob Ford as mayor of Toronto and doesn’t like what his son is doing. He thinks Miles is only with Tristan to piss him off. Miles’s dad is probably right about that.

Miles tells a reporter for the Maple Monthly that his dad hates gay people, and they run the story on the front page. His dad doesn’t get mad about this. Instead, he takes Miles to the country club…where the press is there to see them hug. Miles does not like being used as a pawn in his father’s political ambitions, and the two get into a physical fight back home. His dad ends it when they almost damage a valuable Bob Ross painting.

Tristan is also mad about Miles talking to the press. Miles enters the science classroom and asks if Tristan is there. Zoë says he is not happy with Miles. Then Tristan appears from behind a table. I think Tristan thought that it would be dramatic way to appear in front of Miles. But I was thinking how weird is was for Tristan to be crouched behind that table. How long was he there waiting for Miles? What if Miles didn’t ask about him and just went about his schoolwork? Was Tristan going to stay hidden for the entire class?

To make things right with his son—for real this time, Miles’s dad buys him a convertible. I see absolutely no problems that could arise from giving an expensive sports car to an irresponsible teenage boy!


intervention

Miles is smoking pot a lot. Because only a dope would smoke dope, Tristan gets Miles’s siblings and that Asian kid to stage an intervention. His sister kicks if off by telling Miles:

“We think you’re addicted to marijuana. Or, as you like to call it: breakfast.”

Miles does not react well to this. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking aboot!” yells Miles. He is especially angry at Tristan, telling the fancy boy that he doesn’t understand why they are together when he treats Tristan like crap. “Are you really that desperate for somebody to love you?” Miles says before he leaves.

crash

Miles gets in his car and hits Maya, who is on a bike. But she’s so needy that she is just happy to spend time with him, and pretends her ankle is not broken. Miles gives her a ride and is driving while stoned. He slams into Dallas’s van, ripping the van’s door off. Miles speeds away.

Maya covers for Miles, telling his dad that a car hit them. The two kids have to go to the police to give statements. Maya’s mom is there with her. The Mountie sees through Maya’s lie but doesn’t call her oot.

The next day, Miles comes to school very high. He goes up to Dallas and brags about hitting his “crappy car” and laughs when Dallas says his son was in there. Dallas grabs Miles and is about to beat the shit out of him when Alli stops him. That was just enough to make her sufficiently aroused and she takes him away to plan for sex. As I wrote earlier, that was cancelled due to the Clare-Eli-Drew shenanigans. Dallas can’t catch a break today!

Maya tells the Mounties the truth. Apparently, Miles doesn’t get in trouble over this. It’s good to be from a politically connected family.

To make it up to Miles for trying to get between him and his love for marijuana, Tristan brings him a latte to class. Tristan really is desperate for love! And when did teenagers start drinking coffee? No one did when I was in high school. I couldn’t even stand coffee until I was 25. Plus, you don’t even need energy from caffeine when you are that young. When I was younger, I had several different jobs where I had to be up at 5 in the morning, and I woke and did my shift without coffee. It must be an age thing, because now I absolutely need coffee to function in the morning. And I have to drink a cup or two around 6pm or I fall sleep during dinner. My body isn’t what it used to be. It’s all downhill once you hit the quarter-century mark, kids.


Anyway, Miles’s family is messed up big time. Miles and his dad get into another argument and his dad slugs him good!

Then, the press finds the Facerange page linking Miles’s sister to Boobghazi. Now the media asks how Miles’s dad can be expected to run Toronto if he can’t even run his own daughter. So the campaign manager wants Miles’s sister to go hold a press conference and take full responsibility. I don’t know how that will help his campaign. I may not be a fancy Canadian campaign manager, but I would tell the press to go F’ themselves for bringing up my daughter. F’ themselves hard up the butt-butt. What is the deal with journalists in Canada, anyway? Rob Ford was smoking crack for, like, six years before anyone caught him, but they found out about Miles’s sister in a couple of hours.

almostpunch

Miles’s dad wants his daughter to take the fall, but she runs away. Miles and his dad get into another argument. Miles dad blames Miles for corrupting his younger siblings. Miles raises his fist and is about to bash in his dad’s skull—but can’t bring himself to do it.

Miles decides to run away, but first has to go to Degrassi to find his sister. Perhaps they will run away together…hopping freight trains and having adventures across the great expanse of North America.

*Tristan is sort of a boy, I suppose.

 That Asian Kid

asian-kid

Remember him? He is Miles’s sidekick. At some point, he started “dating” Miles’s little sister, who is 14. What a Toby. They are in her bed and he takes off his shirt, and we see he is about as slender and girly as she is. Asian men start puberty a good ten years after white and black men, and even then it’s not as complete. A 35-year-old Asian man will usually be at the same stage of development as a 13-year-old white boy. That’s why Thai ladyboys look so good.

Mile’s mom finds them and kicks him out and that’s the end of that.

Much like Hazel, Asian kid is jealous when his best friend goes gay. The thing is, Tristan is 90 pounds heavier and could beat him up, so Asian kid can’t do much about it. You don’t want to lose a fight to a gay man. You’ll be raped right up in the butt.


Zig

wrestling-then-poutine

Zig lost an arm-wrestling match to a Grace, a girl, because the Degrassi writers don’t know how biology works.

Later, he eats poutine with his friends (no they really do) and agrees to get an at-home tattoo from Grace to reclaim his manliness, but then doesn’t. So I guess he is no longer a man.

Also, I think Zig is living with Maya. Again, he should be in an apartment on top of the garage.

When all the different cheer squads come to Degrassi for the competition, Grace sets Zig and Black Zig up on a bet. The first one to get the phone number of a visiting cheerleader will see the loser cheer their name in a girls cheer uniform.

Black Zig makes the first move, trying to impress a midget with some dance moves. “You just dance randomly at school?” the midget says, not impressed. Apparently, she has never met a black person before, or else she would never have asked that. Zig tries with her after she spills grape juice on him, allowing an opportunity for Zig to show off his irresistible abs.

Zig has victory in his grasp. But then the midget says of Degrassi, “All your girls are insane.” Which is true, but Zig doesn’t like when she bashes the cheer girls over Boobiegate. Instead of asking for her number, Zig pushes her down a stairwell.

sexy

In a surprise twist, Grace snags the cheerleader’s number by pretending to be gay. What is it with Grace constantly out manning Zig?

So Zig and Black Zig both have to dress in cheer outfits while a bunch of students laugh and film them. Those boys in cheer skirts is the hottest thing on Degrassi ever. Oh shit did I type that? I can’t undo that sentence. God, I really wish my roommate hadn’t eaten my ‘delete’ key while high on bath salts.

Anyway, Zoë thinks Zig is mocking the cheer team. Zig has to explain that he is only in this situation because he defended her honor. Now Zoë is smitten with Zig again, and says he can come to see her compete as long as he wears the uniform. Zoë is as turned on by Zig right now as I am. Oh no I typed that out too.

Fucking roommate. He better poop out my ‘delete’ key soon!

 

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5