A 9,200 Word Recap of Degrassi Season 14, Episodes 1-12

The Final 10 Minutes


Zoë arrives to meet Zig in in the drama room. Zig’s text didn’t say where to meet him. I suppose this is where they normal go to get some. Lazy kids don’t walk 50 feet out into the Ravine to make out like they did in my day.

The lights go out and Zoë finds that she is locked inside! Someone runs from out of the darkness and grabs her cell phone.

The text was not from Zig! It was a ruse by A, luring Zoë her for the final showdown. It’s the final showdown!

A is dressed in a Halloween costume that hides his identity (but we knows it’s Asian kid). A says Zoë should have quit the team. Then he pulls out a knife.

What the fuck, Asian kid? What the fuck?

Looks like there is a lot of drama in the drama room. LOL!

Back at Cheer Finals, the Degrassi girls have to go on without Zoë. They call up Becky, who is all healed.


Miles arrives at the school looking for his sister. Maya finds him for the same reason a dog will always find its master. Miles tells her he intends to run away, but has to see his sister first. He needs to make sure she can look after his Tamagotchi while he is gone. Yes, Miles has a Tamagotchi, what of it? Maybe I don’t know what kids are into these days or if you need to regularly maintain a Minecraft game. I’m just trying to make a joke while recapping a stupid show and I’m exhausted because it’s taken me forever to write this much and I am tired oh Lord am I tired why am I doing this I could be running that antique store/detective agency like I wanted to do except my parents told me to go to college and I did and what has that gotten me nothing but a useless degree and a lot of debt and a stab wound from that time in the library boy oh boy I wish I had made better choices in life so I wasn’t still writing about Degrassi.

Anyway, Miles and his loyal puppy go to the end of a hallway, where Miles’s dad’s face is all over a bunch of posters for some reason. Miles lights one on fire. Soon the whole wall is aflame! Oh no! Turns out paper catches on fire!

Back in the room where Zoë is trapped, she realizes the knife is plastic and pulls off A’s mask, revealing Asian kid. Miles’s sister comes out from hiding under some moldy towels. She has a tape recorder. Their plan was to scare Zoë into admitting responsibility for Degrassi Nudes. Mile’s sister does not want to be the fall girl.

Zoë wants to leave these two chowderheads, but the doorknob is hot. The fire is right outside. They are trapped!

Back at Finals, the Degrassi girls do their routine to much success. Until the fire alarm goes off. Drew leads the evacuation of the school, for some reason. Mr. Simpson is really not up for being in a position of authority.

This takes us back to the first scene from the beginning of the season. Everyone exits the school while Miles needs to find his sister. Too bad your sister has sealed her death, Miles.


The three trapped teens lie on the floor to avoid the smoke. They can’t phone for help. The smoke is causing cell phone interface or something. Asian kid starts crying. Zoë can’t believe she is going die because of these two’s dumb scheme. That’s when Miles’s sister tells her:

“We’re in here because of you. You pushed us to do this!”

I know teenagers are generally whiny and emotional, but the writers made Miles’s sister that in such a degree that I hope she dies here. Were I Zoë, I would want to use these final minutes of my life to ask Asian kid how he made a talking doll. I mean, you can probably find instructions on the internet. What I would want to know is why he went through the effort to make one. A threatening letter in Zoë’s would have made the same point and been way less work. What happened if his parents came in his room and saw him with a doll in a cheer uniform? Did he build a second doll that looks like Miles’s sister and when you pull the string, it says how sexy he is?

Looks like there is a lot of drama in the drama room. LOL!


The Royal Mounted Fire Brigade come. One of them rescues the three trapped teens. Another carries out Simpson in his big, burly arms.

Zig finds Zoë and tells her she is the bee’s knees. Zoë has been worried she would have no one if she did not have cheer, but Zig says what she needs to hear: never fear about cheer for I am here, dear. I think Zoë tells the Mounties she is behind Degrassi Nudes. But that was left sort of vague and the writers will most likely have forgotten about it when the show gets back from hiatus.

Eli finds Clare. Clare asks if he set the school on fire. I don’t know if this is sarcastic Clare or she genuinely needs to be sure Eli isn’t an arsonist. Eli hands his paycheck over to her, for baby expenses. That $45 a week will help pay for diapers. He wants to be in Clare and the baby’s life and be the father he never had. I mean, Eli has a father, but he’s some weird SOB named Bullfrog. Yes, “Bullfrog”. I don’t know what his real name is and neither does Eli.

Miles finds his brother and sister. Together, the three Miles siblings refuse to get in the car with their father until their mother arrives. None of them like their dad. “We believed you when you said you were about Hope and Change,” they say, “but you turned out to be just like any other shitty politician and everything is awful. Fuck you!” I’m not projecting at all.

The kids of Degrassi, season 14. May God have mercy on their souls.

The kids of Degrassi, season 14. May God have mercy on their souls.


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