Bunheads: 1.03 “Inherit the Wind”

Season 1 Episode 3
Airdate: June 25, 2012

Hubble’s lawyer explains that Hubble called on the drive from Vegas to have everything he owned put in Michelle’s name. This means that Michelle now owns the house and land and 8,000 teddy bear figurines. Not Emily Gilmore doesn’t understand how her son could have done this. Even Michelle says they were only married for two days. The lawyer explains that Hubble always talked about wanting to get married, saying, “He dreamt about it since the fourth grade” and that Hubble dressed up as a groom every Halloween for six years. The lawyer leaves, then NEG goes to her room, and Michelle has some shots of whiskey.

Quick yer’ whining! There are TWO black girls on the show now!

Michelle sleeps on the couch and is woken up by a dozen cuckoo clocks going off at once. Though, judging by how bright it is outside, those alarms appear to have been set for 1pm. She was hungover. Michelle looks around the kitchen for something to eat or cure her hangover, but there is no food. She goes outside to see the ballet girls taking photos of their bruised and bunion-sporting feet for a contest with other dance schools. The girls tell Michelle the best schools have the grossest feet.

NEG throws a fit over how she Hubble made her homeless and only has in her possession an old tea kettle. Michelle can’t call her late husband’s mother a cunt, so she points out that Hubble did not expect to die before his mother. NEG doesn’t believe her logic.

The girls are about to start class. The blonde girl who is not Booboo made the blonde who is named Booboo a lucky snood. SNOOD!

SNOOD!

The brunette named Melanie has a brother who was caught with beer and as punishment their parents are making him drive her everywhere, which means he has to sit through the ballet class, which is causing Booboo to be blushing because she has a crush on him.

One of the girl’s mothers talks to Michelle. Her name is Clare and she friendly and brings off-brand Doritos because she is a REALATOR® who wants Michelle to sell her new property and buy a beach condo (double commission!). She shows Michelle around the seven-acres of land she suddenly owns and scares her with how much it will cost to upkeep. She takes Michelle to the forest behind the house to say it will cost $40,000 to trim the trees, and also she needs to drain the pond. Or it will cost $0 to leave it all alone since it’s a forest. There is also a garage that contains a classic car Hubble rebuilt.

As soon as NEG sees Clare, she runs out of the studio and yells about how dare Michelle put her on the street. Michelle tries to explain that Clare showed up uninvited, but NEG again refuses Michelle’s logic. I would chalk this up to NEG still grieving over her son, but I think she was crazy before.

Michelle hits the road in the classic car…

 

until it breaks down.

Back at the studio, Melanie really wants Booboo to hook up with her bother, so she convinces Booboo to dance in the front to attract his attention. To stand out, Booboo even flashes her snood. But the brunette who is not Melanie totally wrecks it by exclaiming, “God Booboo, why don’t you give him a lap dance!” That brunette is not nice!

The tow truck arrives, but the driver says he can’t give her a tow because her car is on a private road that no one is allowed on. Michelle says there is no sign indicating such, but the driver replies that everyone knows and she needs to get the owner’s permission for the tow truck to come onto there. Melissa asks who the owner is, but the tow truck driver isn’t sure. “Most everyone says it’s Bill,” he says of the man, who allegedly made his fortune in Silicon Valley and bought all this land, but no one has ever seen. “Well, a while back,” tells the tow truck man, “two county workers went up there to discuss putting in a cell phone tower and no one ever saw them again.” There is no sudden lighting crash or eerie music to enhance the effect of what was just said. Damn it Amy Sherman-Palladino, you could have at least added it ironically and then had Michelle make a clever comment.

A sheriff’s deputy comes by to write Michelle a ticket for trespassing. Michelle again complains that there is no “private road” sign. “We don’t like signs around here,” explains the deputy, “it mars the landscape.” Oh, the quirky nature of small towns! Michelle refuses to accepts the ticket and defiantly sits on the truck of her car—located on the forbidden road! —and dares the deputy, “Make my day.”

The next thing we see is Michelle in the back of the sheriff’s car with a twisty tie restraining her wrists. NEG arrives to rescue her. “This must be a new record for you,” smirks NEG. Because NEG dances with the chief of police, her word is enough to get Michelle released. Instead of going with NEG, Michelle decides to trek up the road to get permission to move Hubble’s car out of the road that is possibly owned by a vampire.

In the studio’s changing room, Melanie, Booboo and the other blonde girl plan a sleepover and call Sasha (the mean brunette) a bee itch. Sasha enters the room and hears all this. The three girls should have anticipated that. The changing room is only a few feet wide and they know she is still around. Booboo defends her, but Sasha gets tells Booboo off saying she doesn’t need anyone to defend her. We find out that Sasha’s anger comes from being jealous that Booboo gets along with her mother but Sasha does not. In fact, Sasha’s mom doesn’t actually like her and kind of seems to hate that she even has a daughter.

After a journey of an indeterminate number of miles, Michelle finally arrives at the mysterious man’s mansion. He opens the door and she pleads for water. He gives her some and does not suck her blood, so that is a good sign! When asked, he also claims to have no idea about any cell phone tower guys. So it wasn’t him. Must have been the werewolf. This man has a very large telescope he uses to spy on a nude beach. No, that is what he says he uses it for. He also says he every time he puts up a private road sign, the cops always take them away. Man, this town is the opposite of normal: the cops commit vandalism, the teenage girls are into gross things, and the men spend their wholes lives dreaming about their wedding day.

So he’s a rich middle-aged man who bought his property years ago and likes to spend time here. Everyone refers to him as “Bill” even though that’s not his name, and he is also the only person in the area who doesn’t know about her and Hubble. He doesn’t go to town much and the paper boy is afraid to come to his house. Michelle laments having to own property but also doesn’t want to go back to life in Vegas. Then she gets a message on her phone. The girls won their ugly feet competition! Finally, some good news! “Bill” pours some wine but won’t give her any. So Michelle leaves.

Michelle is back home. She sees Sasha in the studio alone being lonely. Sasha could be at the sleepover with her friends if she wasn’t such a bee itch, so I guess she’ll have to sleep in the studio tonight. They exchange pleasantries but it’s late and Michelle needs to get some booze in her. She’s got a wicked headache and her hands are shaking.

Michelle checks out the guesthouse and is really charmed by it because there are no Hummel figurines. It’s essentially one large room, so she can take a bath and watch TV at the same time! She goes to the main house where NEG sits and pours some wine, using the fancy rich person technique she saw “Bill” do. Michelle may have also swiped that stuff from his home. NEG still thinks Michelle is going to kick her out, even though Michelle has never said she that and repeatedly stated the opposite would be true. Michelle’s offer is for NEG to continue living in the main house while Michelle will move in the guesthouse. She ends by saying, “And tonight we are going to get very, very drunk.”

But she says that every night.

Melissa’s Drink Count:

  • Shot of whiskey (at least 2)
  • Wine (half a bottle, presumably)