Bunheads: 1.07 “What’s Your Damage, Heather”

Season 1 Episode 7
Airdate: July 30, 2012

Michelle is teaching a class of little girls. One girl has to pee so Michelle gives the class a lecture about how you don’t get a pee break during Les Misérables, so learn to hold it in. But that is a bad idea for little girls and Michelle is forced to cede to demands for a mass bathroom break.

Boo acts as her secretary (Boo has, like, 75% of the screentime among the four girls) and informs Michelle that she has a full day of classes. And Not Emily Gilmore has extended her vacation for another week. This is the first Michelle has heard of this. Boo says NEG posted it on Facebook. Michelle rants about Facebook because she is one of those people who feels the need to go into an anti-Facebook rant any time someone mentions Facebook.

Boo’s mom comes by and points out how inappropriate it is to have a stripper pole in the studio. Michelle is too busy eating the fries she brought to care. Boo’s mom has to take Boo and go because she just remembered she left her son at the store. No, that really is why they leave.

Later, Michelle is teaching a tap dancing class for adults but can’t keep up. She probably got sick from eating spoiled food in her fridge. The class ends and she finds a leak coming from the ceiling of the girls’ dressing room. That’s a lot of little girl pee in the plumbing! Michelle calls NEG but only gets her voicemail. So She leaves a quirky message. Even in an emergency, Michelle still knows to be quirky. Michelle calls Crazy Salesgirl who says to call a plumber. That is the kind of rudimentary adult logic that Michelle is too much of an airhead to know. Note that Michelle is trying to contain the leak with a roll of paper towels.

The plumber wears an eye patch and punches holes in the wall with a wrench. His name is Davis. If I did not know that, I would be referring to him as Captain Ron, because he look and acts like it. CSG informs Michelle that Davis is a horrible plumber and people only hire him to pick up their mail when they are away. “The Plumber” is just a nickname the townsfolk gave him back when he played junior high basketball.

The girls arrive for class and Michelle says they will have to change in the boys’ dressing room. The girls will do no such thing because the boys leave it all gross. “They hit their marks on the dance floor,” quips Melanie, “but that’s where it ends.” Oh Melanie!

So Michelle lets the girls change in her house, where they go through all her weird belongings. Melanie accurately points out that for being as old as Michelle is, the sum total of her life is pretty sad. I really like Melanie.

Michelle tries to teach the class but Captain Ron is making too much noise. Then he watches the girls and compliments their dance abilites, calling them “gazelles”. CSG has to be here to make him get back to work. Even so, he was far more appropriate in a room of teenage girls than I expected him to be. Cheers, Captain Ron, cheers.

So, Ron did his thing and replaced some pipes. CSG says Michelle will now need a fan to keep mildew from spreading in the damp carpet. Instead, Michelle uses a blow dryer. The four girls join in, joking that they don’t want her to electrocute herself. That is a legitimate concern. They all get on the floor with their blow dryers.

Melanie’s brother, Charlie, arrives to drive her home. He wants to go right now, saying he has things to do. “The box of tissues in your bedroom will still be there when you get back,” quips Melanie, my love.

After a while, Michelle decides the floor is as dry as it needs to be and they go to that one restaurant. The manager keeps making Boo get up to wait on other tables. Michelle points out that she doesn’t need to do work when she is off the clock. I would like to point out that businesses that employ teenagers typically don’t care much about labor laws. The only time I had a job where that wasn’t the case is when I worked for the government. One day, my supervisor told me to go home 15 minutes early because I had to miss one of my breaks. Non-government places ignored the concept of breaks.

Ginny’s effeminate boyfriend, Josh, stops by for a minute. They have been together since the second grade. Michelle calls that “weird” and then talks about how she dated tons of boys when she was their age, sometimes more than one per day. The feminist in me doesn’t wish to call women sluts, but Michelle was clearly a slut.

Michelle comes back to see CSG and Davis making out in the studio. There is still water dripping from the ceiling. Now that I think about it, why would you call a plumber if the leak is in the roof? There are no pipes up there. You obviously need a roofer. Not that Michelle ever knows what to do about anything.

Michelle slept in the leaky room. In the morning, she pours the bucket out the window, and it hits some birds. Hey birds, why don’t you fly out of the way! You have wings, dumbasses!

The girls are hanging out in her house again, despite no class coming up, so Michelle tells them to leave. I think Michelle maybe could use the opportunity to seek advice from people way more mature then her. She could learn how to use the Post Office!

Ginny sits down with Melanie at the restaurant. Her boyfriend has been looking all over for her and finally finds her here. She doesn’t want to deal with him, so retreats to the ladies room. Josh follow her in, which is fine because he is halfway toward being a lady himself.

CSS is pruning flowers when Michelle admits she over-reacted when she caught her with Captain Ron last night. CSG confesses, “I still love Hubble.” Which we knew about in the first episode when CSG hated on Michelle for marrying him and then viewed NEG as her mother-in-law. She also feels like she cheated on Hubble last night with Ron. “Is that crazy?” CSG asks. Instead of running away screaming, Michelle says that enough time has passed to allow CSG to move on and see other people. Despite this, Michelle will continue to be friends with CSG. Michelle has never exercised good judgment so far, so this isn’t out of the ordinary for her.

Sasha is all about trouble today! Outside the studio, Sasha walks by and Michelle sees that she is wearing her shirt. Sasha took from Michelle’s house without permission. It’s black, which suits Sasha because she appears to be going goth. Sasha denies stealing it, then acts like she’s only giving it back to stop Michelle from whining, and takes it off right there on the stairs. Usually, when this happens on TV, the bad girl uses this opportunity to flaunt her bra, but Sasha has her leotard on underneath.

Even though she was the first person to the studio, Sasha is still fifteen minutes late to class. Michelle has to give her a dressing down in the dressing room (LOL!). Michelle goes into a spiel about how she doesn’t care why Sasha is acting up, but does not want to be giving this talk because she does not want to be an authority figure. “I’m not a grown up!” Michelle states, which I have been saying for seven episodes. Michelle ends by ordering Sasha to get her hair in a bun and join the class. So Sasha does.

Class is over and the parents come to pick up their kids. Ginny’s mom is pissed at Michelle because Ginny broke up with Josh after Michelle pointed out that being with the same guy since the second grade is weird. Ginny’s mom is all, “Don’t you know hard it is to find a good man?” Ginny’s mom is divorced. Good for her ex for getting out of that mess.

Michelle sulks in her house. Boo’s mom brings a juice box and cookies (Mama Boo knows how to make children happy) and says that Ginny’s mom is crazybitch and that Michelle is doing a good job with the girls. Mom says Boo is much happier thanks to Michelle. Boo always seems happy. When I picture the four girls, I picture Ginny, Melanie, and Sasha as girls and Boo as their puppy.

Also, Boo has a crush on Charlie. Charlie finally talks to her, but it’s to ask if she can put in a good word for him with newly single Ginny. Boo, being Boo, goes straight to Ginny. Ginny is totally giddy that boys are coming on to her now. She’s going to have a lot of work ahead to catch up to all the cocks Michelle had.

Now Boo is miffed at Michelle. Boo is better off without Charlie. Word from his sister is he’s a chronic masturbator.

Grade: A+

Final Thoughts:

Every single commercial break had an ad for LOL, a movie starring Miley Cyrus. I think her character’s name is Lol. No, really. The commercial was for the release of the movie on DVD. I don’t remember ever seeing an ad for it in theaters, and would assume it never was. Demi Moore is in it, which makes me feel bad for Demi Moore. She used to have a pretty solid movie career (A Few Good Men, Ghost, Striptease) and was even dating Ashton Kutcher, which was a sweet deal since he was way younger than her and meant she would never be Punk’d. But now she is in this dumb movie and Ashton is with Mila Kunis, which is awesome! I like to imagine them making out in her bedroom while Wilmer Valderrama watches from the closet. Then they go smoke pot in Topher Grace’s attic.

Cultural References

  • Atlantis
  • Belasco
  • Driving Miss Daisy
  • Facebook
  • Anna Farris
  • Gambino crime family
  • Google
  • Guys & Dolls
  • Heathers
  • Hotel for Dogs
  • Les Misérables
  • Military school
  • Winona Ryder
  • Siegfried and Roy
  • Christian Slater
  • Rod Stewart
  • Twitter
  • Wikipedia

Melissa’s Drink Count:

  • Juice box (1)