Degrassi: 11.34 & 35 “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”

Season 11 Episodes 34 & 35
Airdates: March 2 & 9, 2012

Part 1

Katie is trying out for the Canadian under-18 national soccer team. There is a blonde girl who won’t get out of her way, so Katie elbows the bitch and scores a goal. Then she high-fives Drew. Katie turns around to see that the blonde girl is on the ground with a bloody nose. “I should go apologize,” says Katie. “What,” says Drew, “for being awesome?” I don’t know why Drew is here, but for saying that, am glad he is.

Jenna and Ali are hanging out. Does Jenna still have her baby? That is answered when she says she gave it up for adoption and KC did not approve of her decision. KC should have adopted the little bastard then.

At home, Katie is really anxious to hear if she made the team. If she doesn’t, it will mean no college scholarship and no spot on the 2016 Olympic team. Degrassi students always aim high: actors, rock stars, Olympic athletes. Katie’s mom is in a wheelchair. At least it’s one of those electric ones, which are way more fun than a manual. She’s like Professor X. “Sometimes the universe has a different plan,” Professor X tells her daughter, “We adapt.” Katie’s mom is also wise like Professor X. I will call her that for now on. No, wait, actually it would be funnier if I gave her a feminine name. I dub her Professtrix X.

At school, Tori and Tristan are recording their video blog for West Drive, which is a fictional melodramatic teen drama the writers use to vent their frustrations with working on Degrassi. Zig wants Tori to come watch him skateboard (often teenage relationships are the boy doing something and the girl watching). Tori skips the blog to go with her boyfriend, which makes Tristan sad. I understand the demands of maintaining a blog dedicated to a crappy teen drama show. You have to put the blog first, personal life second. That’s why I spent most the previous decade alone.

As the only two members of the student council, Katie and Parasail have to plan the student activities. Parasail suggests moving something called Degrassi Gladiators up in the calendar. “Our constituents are going to revolt unless we plan something fun,” warns Katie. Degrassi Gladiators must be their version of the Hunger Games. One boy tribute and one girl tribute from each grade are selected to fight to the death in the Ravine until only one remains. Simpson dresses up as Effie for the reaping. Not just for that, I mean he dresses as Effie a lot after school. Marco told him about this night club that is halfway between the school and the hockey rink.

Tristan does not like that he has less time with Tori now that she is with Zig, so he goes to his older brother for advice. His older brother is Owen. Ha! The homophobic and sexist jock is the brother of the most homonious homo to ever grace Degrassi. Tristan makes Marco look like Sean. “Tell her Zig called her fat,” Owen advises and then tells him to go away.

Katie made it to the next round of tryouts. As did the blonde girl, who now has to wear a face mask. Katie and Face Mask shove against each other for territory. Is there really this much rough play in soccer? I thought you weren’t allowed to touch other players. They must be used to all the body checking in hockey. To increase the popularity of soccer in Canada, they call it “grass hockey.”

Face Mask gets her revenge by knocking Katie down. Katie’s knee is injured. And not in that pussy way a soccer player will pretend to be injured when an opposing player taps him. No, she is the first soccer player to ever hold her knee in pain and actually be in pain. Katie made soccer history.

In the gym, Katie tries to kick a ball to Drew, but her knee is in too much pain to kick properly. I expected her to kick the ball into Drew’s crotch and then he would fall to the floor in agony. Then someone in the background would shout, “That’s GOTTA hurt!”

What follows is some of the dumbest dialogue in Degrassi history, which is saying a lot. For extra effect, you have to read it in the flat delivery of the two actors:

Drew: Katie, if it hurts that bad it might be a serious injury. You don’t want to end up in a wheelchair.

Katie: Why would you say something like that? My mom was my age when she first felt the signs of multiple sclerosis.

Drew: Sorry, I um, thought it wasn’t a passed on thing

Katie: Yeah, well studies are inconclusive at best. Which is why I need to take my shot while I can. Who knows what shape I’ll be in next year?

Drew: Hey, my godfather’s a sports doctor. Maybe I can get you in to see him. They can give you some type of physio.

Katie: Whatever it takes.

First off, fuck Katie for not following up with “I know I can make it through”. Second, I like how she can’t just be a determined athlete. No, she has to be in a race against time against a degenerative disease she most likely will never come down with. She has to make that team now, while she is young and strong! Unlike most athletes, who spend their teenage years playing video games and eating nachos and don’t really get into sports until around age 35.

In music class, Tristan tells Tori he overheard Zig call her “curvy.” “He thinks I’m fat!” cries Tori. To get his fag hag to stop crying, Tristan admits he lied. Tori throws her wad of tissue at him. I wish Tristan had replied with something super gay like, “Honey, I always enjoy a nice white ball against my chest, but not in that fashion!”

KC returned to Jenna some mementos and photographs of their baby. Looking at them makes Jenna very sad. Ali suggests the way to cheer up is to sing at the Degrassi coffee house show. Teenagers drink coffee now. Ali talks like a sassy black girl and slaps Jenna’s behind. I like this new Ali and hopes she stays.

The doctor says Katie may have strained her ACL, but won’t know for sure until he can get her an MRI, and there won’t be an opening until next month, so Katie should stay off her knee until then. He expects her to hop on one foot for a month. Katie will miss soccer tryouts if she has to sit out that long, so asks the doctor if perchance he can give her an “injection” or some kind of pro-athlete level pain medication. “You want me to prescribe powerful, habit forming drugs without a proper course of treatment?” the doctor asks. “Yeah,” replies Katie. “Are you a cop? You know you if you are you have to tell me right now.” No, actually the doctor refuses to give her anything. So Katie says, “Too bad, I thought you were going to be a cool doctor. I was going to tell all my cheerleader friends to come to you for their breast exams but I guess I won’t if you’re just another lame-o doctor.” Katie doesn’t say that either, but I just came up with two directions this episode could have taken that would have been more awesome than the one it did.

Jenna works on her song while Jake puts together sets for the coffee house. They are alone, a boy and a girl, which means romance is a brewin’!

Tori and Zig arrive to the Dot separately. They received invitations to meet here. Tristan, who is wearing a trench coat, sent the invites. He read a whole bunch of Encyclopedia Brown books and wants to solve the case of who stole his fag hag. He admits that he needs to get to know Zig, and suggests a great way to bond is for all three of them to perform a song at the coffee house. The song will be something Tristan and Tori wrote at summer camp and performed at her uncle’s wedding. “It killed. People cried,” Tristan states. “Sure we were 8-years-old at the time, but it will still be just as cute since I have barely begun puberty.”

Katie swipes some of her mother’s Codeine pills. Katie is going to pull a Rush Limbaugh. That night, she meets Drew at a soccer field and kicks every ball past him. I don’t think that’s the drugs. I think Drew is just a shitty goalie. “No fair. That net is way bigger than me!”

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