Season 12 Episodes 19 & 20
Airdate: August 15 & 16, 2012
This is the first of several season 12 finales. Deal with it.
Romeo & Jules opens tomorrow. This is Eli’s gay adaptation of the famous play, staring Mini-Connor and Tristan. It’s a musical, which is appropriate given that it is gay. Eli has been working on this all season (an actual story arch!) and is stressed out trying to get a bunch of high schoolers to carry out his grand vision. Costumes are mismatched and sets are falling down. “What else could go wrong?” vents Eli. And then Clare arrives. She wants to know what his plan is to get back at Asher Shostak. Eli realizes that in between directing this play, he has to find time to kill Asher.
Becky and her brother intend to protest Romeo & Jules. Becky is offended that Eli is inserting homosexual content into her favorite Leonardo DiCaprio movie. The siblings make signs in the art room. Dallas enters to say he would love to join them in taking down the play as he hates Eli, but not their way because it is “mad homophobic”. Dallas has a code. He wants them to attack the play on another angle, but Becky refuses to change. “I still believe in freedom of speech,” says the girl who wants to shut down a school play.
Mini-Connor and Tristan rehearse their love song. Mini-Connor suddenly sings like Babyface. They close in for a kiss, but Tristan pulls out. They haven’t actually kissed yet, and it’s not because M-C is nervous, but because Tristan is. He doesn’t want a stage kiss to be his first kiss. Zig tells Tristan he has until tomorrow to find a boy to kiss. Zig said that like he is offering up himself.
Simpson has ordered ticket sales stopped and told Eli to review the subject matter of the play, which Eli objects to. Simpson says this is out of his hands because parents are involved. Simpson is under a lot of stress right now and it shows. He doesn’t have control over this school or any aspect of his life. “I used to have a wife, but I don’t know where she went. And I used to have Emma, and she went off somewhere. Then I adopted Connor, and I don’t know where he is anymore. Seriously, have you seen him? It’s like he disappeared.”
Eli will have to meet with a group of concerned parents before the play can go ahead.
Eli: I will defend this play until my dying breathe.
Simpson: That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think? They just want you to do it during the lunch hour.
Simpson says she supports the play but admits that it could still be shut down.
In science class, Becky calls Adam a girl because God made him one. Becky is preaching and rubbing Adam’s vagina in his face. Wait, that came out wrong. Jenna says that God made her a brunette, but she changed that. Oh, Jenna, honey, I know you are trying to be helpful, but your brain is just too small. In a twist of sitcom level hilarity, the science teacher assigns Adam and Becky to be partners on a project. Did the teacher not hear their argument or does she think pairing them together would somehow get them to put aside their differences?
Eli gathers the cast and crew and rallies them with a speech. “Love will triumph!” proclaims Eli and everyone cheers. Ask me, Eli should have painted half his face blue like a Celtic warrior and led the cast and crew on a charge against the parents group. Motherfuck Braveheart that shit up.
Tristan introduces himself to Fiona and Imogen, and asks the older girls how they knew that the other liked them in a gay way. Fiona and Imogen tell Tristan he is adorable. They didn’t give him any advice, though, they just take him away to go shoe shopping or whatever. It’s like when a puppy dog comes up to you because it’s hungry, but you pick it up and pet it for the next half hour because it’s so cuddly and sweet yes it is. It’s satisfying for you, but not really what the puppy wanted.
Eli address the concerned parents. At first, I thought he came to the meeting wearing a cape. But then it’s revealed he is wearing a friar outfit, which actually more awesome than a cape. Eli says he is dressed this way to make the point that religion is about love over hate. OK…Eli. But then Dallas totally catches Eli off guard with the question, “Is it wise to stage a play that glorifies suicide?” The parents agree. Damn, Dallas played that good.
The theater group performs the final scene for the parents. Like in Romeo & Juliet, it is the suicide of the two lovers. “This definitely glorifies suicide,” states Dallas, who appears to be the leader of parents group. He requests that the play to be cancelled, but Simpson agrees to let Eli propose a new ending by the end of the day.
Jenna enters the ladies room to see Becky praying for God to guide her poop to its final resting place. Jenna sticks up for Adam being a boy. Becky says she can’t be around Adam, because he might turn her gay somehow. You know Becky is dumb when she is alone with Jenna and Jenna is the smartest person in the room.
The R&J actors rehearse the masquerade ball scene while Eli thinks of how to end the play. Tristan spots a boy working on a set and is pretty certain is gay because he wears a dark blue tank top. Straight guys will only wear a tank top if it’s white, which are called wife beaters. Tristan trips because of lust and the boy touches his hand and gay sparks fly except we can’t see those because Degrassi doesn’t have the effects budget for that. But they’d be pink and bright and sparkle.
Clare asks if Eli thought up a plan to get Asher. Eli hasn’t as he has been busy with the play. Clare says that the Toronto Journalism Awards are tomorrow, which means the paper’s offices will be empty. Clare wants them to break in and plant something on Asher’s computer. Eli replies that opening night of the play is tomorrow and what Clare wants to do is a crime. After some nagging, Eli reluctantly agrees to make time tomorrow to get Asher. Clare is the like the devil on Eli’s shoulder whispering evil plans into his ear.
Adam and Becky sit down to work on their project. Becky starts off by saying that her views on Adam being an abomination are shared by a one hundred million (!) other Baptists and two billion Christians. Adam says he goes to church, too, so knows that not all Christians share the fucknut beliefs of the Baptist church. Except Adam is a Catholic, and they are on the same page as the Baptists when it comes to the LGBT stuff. Adam must have meant their positions on alcohol.
Adam says he has something they can use on their project. He pulls from his backpack a 70 million years old fossil of a mollusk. Where Adam got that, who knows? Becky thinks the fossil is neato, so Adam asks, “Doesn’t the Bible say the earth is only 6000 years old?” “That’s a typo,” replies Becky. To which Adam sayth:
“So you’ll look past the Bible for a mollusk, but not when you see a play about two dudes in love?”
Adam then says it would be better if they worked separately.
Tristan tells his gal pals about the spark with the stagehand. “Now I just have to talk to him,” says Tristan, who still believes he can get the boy to kiss him before opening night. God, I love how naïve the freshmen are. They bring such hope and optimism to what is otherwise a school full of jaded and date-raped upperclassmen.
Eli tells Imogen about his alteration to the play. Because they committed suicide, Romeo and Jules will not be allowed to be together in the afterlife. Their ghost bodies will be torn from each other. No, that’s still disturbing. Maybe just don’t have them kill themselves.
Now Eli can focus on finding a way to kill Asher, but talking about it makes him twitchy. Imogen thinks he may be having a manic episode and warns him about going along with Clare:
“You’re like Romeo: passionate, impulsive. You’ll do anything for the things and people that he loves. But for all his crazy romance, Romeo still ended up dead.”
Simpson approves of Eli’s re-write and then has to run because he is late to a tea party with his dolls. “This ain’t over,” Dallas warms. “I’m coming to the play. But when everyone stands up and applauds at the end, I will not stand up and I will not applaud. That will show you!”
Clare was up all night reading case law on workplace harassment in preparation for whatever Eli plans to do. Clare assumes it will involve statutes on harassment. Eli tells her he has no plan and instead told Ms. Oh the truth about Asher, and Ms. Oh is waiting to talk to Clare about it. Ms. Oh is behind a glass window looking at her. Totally positioned herself to say, “Hey I’m right here. What Eli said is true.” Eli doesn’t want to end up like passionate, impulsive Romeo. Clare feels betrayed.
Tristan didn’t get to talk to the stagehand because he tripped and fell into a bush (no seriously, he did). But then Tristan sees a letter from a secret admirer taped to his locker. This could be Tristan’s first kiss! He has to skip the final rehearsal to meet this mysterious stranger, though. I would tell Tristan that the play is more important and it doesn’t count as your first time if you do it as part of a play. It’s why I technically never lost my virginity.
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