Degrassi: 12.33 & 34 “Ray of Light”

Season 12 Episodes 33 & 34
Airdates: March 1 & 8, 2013

Part 1

A Plot


Eli, Jake and Moe are playing a video game…in school. What the fuck, Degrassi? How about we bomb Canada and take over their country? Because if they can afford to have lounges in their schools where students can chill out and play Xbox 360 on a big screen TV, clearly they are hiding a massive gold mine that we need way more than them. You think invading two countries for the past ten years has been cheap? Hell no, motherfucker. But maybe we can break even if we make it three.

Anyway, the three boys are really into their game. Like, Eli is breaking a sweat. Moe says he will turn his enemies into lifeless bodies. Jake whispers to Moe that he can’t say that because Eli saw a lifeless body the other day or week or whenever the last episode was. Eli tells them he can hear them, which he obviously would since they are together. They are all high. This is when Fiona unplugs the TV and calls them nerds.


By the way, the boy who plays Cam has been removed from the opening credits. That’s revisionist history!

Fiona assigns Eli to shoot a video yearbook. He gets right to it by bothering several people with a camera as they are going to school. Clare admits that she asked Fiona to give him this project so he would stop moping and playing video games while stoned. Clare leaves and Eli points the camera at a new girl. He calls her Sweatpants Girl. The girl hands him an envelope and says her name is Talhia (that name is stupid, you’re Sweatpants Girl).

Eli edits the footage. Most of what he wants to include appears to be of Fiona and Imogen. But then he sees something with Cam and Maya. This causes Eli to flashback to finding Cam’s body.


That night, Eli is in bed, his head peacefully resting on his Hot Topic pillowcase. Blood pours into his bedroom. It’s all over his sheets! Eli screams!

Eli wakes from his nightmare. But it’s that thing on TV where where the top half of a person’s body shoots straight up. That’s physically impossible in real life. That was pointed out in one of The Simpsons commentary tracks and it’s true man, it’s true. Also, the texture didn’t look like blood. It was too thick, like it was made by mixing red paint with corn syrup or something. Perhaps that blood had sickle cell anemia.

The next morning, Eli talks to a school counselor. After the death of his girlfriend and now Cam, he thinks death follows him. “It has nothing to do with you,” assures the counselor. “Wait, you didn’t desecrate an Indian burial ground or were cursed by a gypsy? Because if you did, you need to let me know so we can fix it.” Degrassi needs better counselors.

Eli shows his progress on the yearbook to the student council members the producers could afford to have for the day. Dallas is mad that Cam does not appear in it. Oh shit, someone guard the trophy case! Fiona thinks that including Cam sends a bad message. Dallas replies that regardless, Cam was a student here. Yeah, but only for a semester. Again, losing Cam is like losing a puppy you only had for a month. You get over it.


Later, Moe shows Eli that the envelope Talhia gave him is a map that can only be seen when up held up to light. It reveals the location of a secret party. Eli wants Moe and Jake to come with them, but not bring their ladies. Sausage night!

The boys arrive at the location. I am pretty sure they are high, too. They open the door and it is revealed that the party is kids messing around with paint. No, I don’t mean they are huffing paint, I mean they are painting walls. And no, not as a job, but as fun. Everyone has paint on their clothes. Good thing Eli and pals are wearing t-shirts and jeans because, being teenage boys, it never occurred to them to dress nice for a special occasion. Eli gets freaked out because red paint looks like blood and asks Jake for weed. Jake is all out. Eli needs to buy his own weed someday instead of bumming off Jake.


Talhia greets Eli. This is when I noticed that she has a pretty big nose. Then I thought, no, actually it’s a normal sized nose. A lot of the girls on Degrassi seem to me like they have large noses, but I think that’s only because many actresses you see elsewhere had nose jobs. But the girls on Degrassi are teenagers and really shouldn’t be getting plastic surgery. It still make half the girls on Degrassi look Jewish. Like, Talhia looks really Jewish. I imagine her real name is Golda Kikestein. Her father works in finance at Weinberg & Finkel and her mother is a stay-at-home nagger.

Golda runs her finger along Eli’s arm, which gives him a boner. Eli is starting to feel good.


He takes a bucket of red paint and splashes it against a wall. Take THAT red paint! You aren’t scaring me ANYMORE!


Then he falls backwards and is carried by a group of kids. He looks very Jesus like here. Golda is going to kill him.


B Plot


Jenna talks to some boy in the hallway. Oh, wait, it’s Becky’s brother. I forgot because you only ever see him if it’s a Becky episode, and even then not always. A few feet away, Connor trips and spills his school supplies, coloring books and the like. “Do you think anyone will ever care about him?” Becky’s brother jokes. Jenna is offended. She calls Connor cool, goes over to help him clean up, and gives him a little kiss on the cheek. Oh my God, they are setting up a Jenna and Connor romance! Curse you, Degrassi. Curse you!

Later, Connor gives Jenna flowers and a teddy bear because his How to Be Normal for Autistic People book said girls like those. He asks her out and keeps asking over and over until she says yes. Connor is hollering at a bitch. That’s his Aspergers causing him to be like that, but it kind of makes him charming. Jenna agrees.

Alli laughs when Jenna tells her and hopes the lad is pass his underwear stealing phase. That episode happened after I stopped watching, and from what I am told, he was doing research to build a fashion app. I’m glad I stopped watching. Jenna shoots back that she hopes Alli is over her sexting phase.  Man, someone in the writing staff is keeping track of continuity. Connor approaches them and gives Jenna an orange jumpsuit, saying they are for their date. They are going to be doing lawn work.

Jenna: Where are we going?

Connor: Space.

Oh. OK then.


So after school, Jenna and Connor walk down the hallway in their space suits. They are NASA style with an American flag patch, ‘cause you know, Canada doesn’t have a space program. Connor shows Jenna the school’s space simulator. Degrassi has a space simulator?


It’s pretty bitchin’ too. Three HD monitors hooked up to a control panel. Again, where is Degrassi getting the money for this sort of stuff? Maybe this is the base of Canada’s space program. They’re working to train teenagers to be astronauts so they’d be ready by the time Canada is able to build a rocket capable of sending people into space (you know, like a real country can do).

The two have fun pretending to blast off into the cosmos. Jenna asks Connor why he has never had a girlfriend. Does she not know he has severe autism? Also, Connor is too much like a Steve Urkel black person and not enough like a Stefan Urquelle black person. In fact, I’d say that Connor’s problem is he has the coolness of Steve Urkel and the self-control of Kanye West. I don’t know how well Jenna knows Connor, either. Jenna is friends with all Connor’s friends, but not really friends with Connor.


They kiss. For real. Twice!


C Plot

Katie tells Marmaduke she has secured a loan to pay for Stanford. All right. All she has to do to repay the Russian oligarch who sponsored her is to be his sex slave for five years after graduating. Katie never learns.

Marmaduke tells Katie that she needs to make nice with Jake. Remember, Katie and Jake had a nasty break up on the Vegas adventure. Jake and Moe are friends and Moe is Marmaduke’s boyfriend, so she wants Katie and Jake to make nice so they can all be friends for their senior year. Marmaduke says she and Moe talked about her and Jake all night.  They like to live through their friend’s drama, I guess.

In the caf, Katie longingly looks toward the lunch table Moe, Marmaduke and Jake sit. Katie joins them and tries to apologize to Jake. But is Jake is still moody bitch about it and Moe is standing by his man here. Jake doesn’t want an apology and gets up to leave and Moe follows him to the girls room so he can cry things out.


Since she can’t sit there, the next day, Katie sits with Maya, Tori and Tristan at a table across from Jake, Moe and Marmaduke. I like that Marmaduke is choosing Moe over her best friend. Moe must have something going for him that we have never seen.

Maya will be playing music at Little Miss Steaks tonight and Katie asks to tag along. Maya says she can as long as she doesn’t embarrass her. Katie has fallen hard when her little sister has to tell her that. Katie gives Maya a hug while looking at Jake. Knowing Jake’s past, Katie hopes it will make him jealous.



So Katie is with Maya’s homie and homo while Maya plays guitar at the steakhouse. A guy who is, like, a manager or whatever gives Maya his business card. Maya is excited, but Katie is suspicious of men now, so she goes up to the manager guy, grabs his arm and flips him on his back. And then leaves. That was an awesome move. Maya is all like WTF! but Katie says she was protecting her little sister because men always want something. I don’t know what Jake wanted from Katie. Probably wanted Katie to write down things Jake would say while high in case there were some pearls of wisdom he could look back on when he was sober. There never were.

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