Degrassi: 12.37 & 38 “Zombie”

Season 12 Episodes 37 & 38
Airdates: March 29 & April 5, 2013

Part 1

A Plot:

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Degrassi has been invaded by zombies! Good. It will rid the school of the weak links. Tristan meets the horde in the hallway. He holds a samurai sword. I would normally make a crack about him sticking it up his ass, but today I just don’t have it in me…unlike Tristan and some dude’s sausage! Bwahahahaha!

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This is Eli’s latest movie. He calls a break and Maya and Zig flirt while wearing zombie makeup. Zig has one arm folded so it appears amputated. Actual dialogue:

Maya: Ew. Don’t touch me with your stump.

Zig: Hey, come on. Mr. Stumpy is very sensitive. You know that.

WHOA!

Maya asks if Zig is up for seeing the new Joseph Gordan-Levitt movie. Hey, is it weird to anyone else that the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun turned into an A-list movie star? I’m kind of pissed it was him and not French Stewart. Anyway, Zig asks if this is a “friend date” and Maya clarifies that it is a “date date.” Remember what I said last time about how Generation Y can’t ever just date?  Zig is reluctant to do this so soon after Cam’s suicide and asks, “But what about Cam?”

“Yeah, you’re right. I mean, we should probably make sure it’s OK with him, too. Oh wait.”

–Maya, bringing the bitch

Immediately after that, she bumps into a black guy and they flirt. Maya must have elevated hormone levels today. She is either about to menstruate or just finished menstruating. I forgot which time makes you horny. Perhaps she’s at the stage where women are at the horniest point in their lives, in the years immediately before menopause.

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The next morning before school, Maya is dressed much racier than usual. She sports a white see-through top that reveals a pink bra, tight jeans and high-heeled boots. Katie does not like that her little sister appears to be entering a slut phase and says Marmalade went through that and regrets it now. When did Marmalade wear outfits like that? Wait, when did Marmalade first appear on the show? It must have been after Chante left, but when did Chante leave? She was in high school for a solid decade. Anyway, Maya asks her sister if she is a bad person for not being in mourning over Cam like everyone expects her to. Katie says no, but she should still wear black for one year.

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courtesy: campbellscharms.tumblr.com

Maya struts down the hall in her sexy outfit. Music plays. Hey, what does this remind us of? That’s right! This is just like from Manny in the classic season 3 episode “U Got the Look”. Maya even has music playing from her panties like Manny. I mean, let’s be straight though, Maya is nowhere near Manny’s league. You can’t see Maya’s navel, for one. Two, Jesus Christ Manny was riding that thong up high. She’s giving herself an atomic wedgie! Beauty is pain, motherfucker. Beauty is pain.

Still, Maya is totally working it until she trips because her heels are so high. Luckily, she is caught by her gay. That’s Sex & the City hijinks there!

Maya asks Tristan about the boy he liked. I assumed they mean the fit kid from a  few episodes back. Tristan says he ended it after that boy “called fashion week shallow.” That’s totally false! Femmie gays like Tristan absolutely love gays who aren’t into shit like fashion. Everyone knows this. And the rest of us like those relationships too because it makes it easy to tell who is the woman and who is the man.

 

B Plot:

courtesy: degrassi-brasil-eliona4ever.tumblr.com

courtesy: degrassi-brasil-eliona4ever.tumblr.com

Drew and Bianca enter a classroom together. Drew twirls her, but she just smacks into a wall. That’s funny.

Drew announces to the class that Bianca has been accepted to Wilford Brimley. The class applauds…because that is what kids do? Maybe they are proud of her because no one expected her to go to college being that she’s white trash. First, I thought Bianca said she was going to be a doctor, but on the second viewing, she just said something about Drew’s brain doctor. She should still go to med school. She’s already running into doors. That’s Scrubs level hijinks there!

The nominations for class president are announced over the PA. Drew is one. Even the announcer can’t believe it. She’s seriously like “…and Drew…Torres? What the Goddamn fuck?” This is the first Drew has heard of this either. Someone nominated him anonymously. But he is totally like, “OK. I’m running for president then!”

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Clare is the only other nominee. It’s late in the school year so, this must be to decide who gets to be class pres next year? I’m confused because I thought Drew is a senior. Adam is his little brother and in the same grade as Clare, isn’t he? So, was Drew held back after dropping out or did he fail a bunch of classes before that?

Anyway, Clare is taking this campaign seriously. She has a cardboard cutout of herself in the caf. No, for real. The last person to have a cardboard cutout of themselves was J.T! Drew has to step it up to compete with something that awesome. He announces a party at his house. “They don’t call it a political party for nothing!” he tells Bianca.

So Clare is serious candidate and Drew is the fun candidate. I like that the cool kid versus the brainy kid for class president is a common trope in high school shows, and Degrassi has been around so long that this will be the third time they’ve done it.

 

C Plot:

Connor sits with Jenna and Ali and has to listen the girls gab about girl stuff. “This conversation is extremely boring,” announces Connor and says Alli should leave. So Alli does. Jenna tells him that was rude and Alli is getting over a breakup. Connor does not care. He is annoyed that Alli is using up time Jenna could be spending with him. Granted, Alli’s family did take Jenna in, but Connor’s autism has gotten awesome now. Instead of stealing panties and starting fights over a pencil, he is just being brutally honest. I like that he told his girlfriend to shut up. That puts him on Sean’s level. Sean never put up with stupid chick bullshit either.

Mini-Connor is helping Eli edit his movie. Connor enters and asks his miniature version to date Ali again so she won’t hog Jenna. M-C says his breakup with Alli was pretty bad so it would be a bad idea.

Mini-Connor tells his big version that he has to help Eli with this movie, because it’s therapy for Eli after his breakup with Clare. Mini-Connor has to choose which friend with a mental disorder he will deal with this week.

By the way, I thought things were going fine between Alli and Dallas. The end of the last episode made it seem like they would be together. My theory is Alli’s parents told her they would not pay for MIT if she dated another black kid.

 

Party Time:

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Drew’s campaign party is a rockin’. There are tunes blasting from the speakers and rubber duckies in the kiddie pool. Maya and Tristan crash this seniors-only event because Maya is eager to have fun. She has a hot pink top and black short shorts. Tristan is nervous because when kids get drunk they tend to mistake him for Winnie the Pooh.

Maya grabs a wine cooler. Or it’s that Mexican pop that’s made out of fruit. Either way, Tristan doesn’t want one.

Maya meets that black guy from earlier. His name is Harry and he is with Golda. Hey, Golda is going to be a new character, maybe. And Harry. There’s, like, only two more episodes left this season, why are the producers bringing in new characters? Golda whispers something to Harry, presumably about Maya while Maya texts Zig to say she is at a senior party with her new friends.

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Meanwhile, Connor and Jenna are at a restaurant. Alli interrupts them. She has in a bouquet of roses Eli sent her. She thinks Eli is trying to get to Clare though her. Of course, now she has to talk to Jenna about this. Too bad for Connor. 🙁

Soon after, Eli arrives at the restaurant. A bouquet was sent to him from Alli and he wants to know what the fuck is up. It turns out Connor sent them both the flowers so they would start dating. This is what Connor says when Alli asked him why he thought it was a good idea to set up the two of them:

“Because you and Eli are both sad and lonely. You guys are a perfect match.”

Ha! I love Connor now! But Jenna doesn’t and tells Connor to go home. He has Alli’s bouquet, so at least when he get home, he can pretend the date went better than it did.

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Back to the party, Zig shows up. Maya is drunk and Zig wants to take her home, but Maya does not want to leave. Maya is drunk honest right now, which causes her to tell Zig that he blew it with her. Zig calls her a mean drunk and leaves. Maya doesn’t care. She shouts, “Who wants to have fun!” “I do!” some random boy yells and Maya jumps into a crowd of guys. Maya is going to be gang raped.

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Clare arrives to campaign. She hands out fliers and tells Drew that school rules state that each candidate must have equal access to the voters. This is totally something Clare would do. Clare doesn’t think Drew is fit to be class president, telling him, “You’re not smart enough.” “At least I’m not boring!” retorts Drew. Clare says he is only running to amuse himself and Drew says Clare is only running because she got dumped. Clare has had enough. She yells, “Vote this!” and pushes Drew into a kiddie pool. This race has turned into a diss contest. I half expected Wilmer Valderrama to pop in with cash mahney.

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Maya, Gold and Harry make their way to a bedroom and lie on the bed together. My hope for a three way is dashed when Golda explains the she and Harry are merely friends. They are surprised to learn that Maya knew the boy who committed suicide. And Maya is happy to be around people who don’t treat her weird because of it. Maya macks with Harry and says she wishes everyone would get over Cam while Golda records it onto Maya’s cell phone.

Golda says that if they were teenagers in Israel, they’d be training in the army right now instead of being at this dumb party. OK, when I named her Golda Kikestein, I meant it as a joke. But she has got to be a Jew. No other teenager would be wistful about Israel. A normal teen would talk about wanting to live in France or Italy; a weird one, Japan.

“I wish I was back in my kibbutz program. We built a settlement in the West Bank. I got to drive a tank through a Palestinian village! Man, it was the best summer ever.”

The party is over. Everyone has left except Drew and Bianca. Drew sulks in a chair while his girlfriend cleans up, as it should be. Drew doesn’t think he can win against Clare. Bianca says he could if he would actually take this election seriously. She admits that it was she who nominated him so he would have something going for him in his (second) senior year. Drew has one thing feather in his cap: Fiona is in charge of the student body currently, so Degrassi is willing to be led by a fifth year senior. He can run as the candidate with the most experience.

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Maya gets home and looks at the video Golda recorded. She gets a text from Zig and then uploads the video to Facerange with a wry smile. Oh you devil, you.

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