Degrassi: 12.39 & 40 “Time of My Life”

Season 12 Episodes 39 & 40
Airdate: June 21, 2013

This is the season 12 finale, as well as the prom and graduation special.

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Prom’s coming up. Eli and Imogen carry boxes to the ballroom when Imogen trips. “Fiddlesticks,” Imogen says, because after her brain aneurysm at age 6, she is incapable of using curse words. This moment feels like a throwback to the very first episode, when JT tripped and damaged a whole box of Chips Ahoy, the fucker. Those cookies are fragile as hell. You hold one just a little too tightly and it turns to crumbs. I hate it. In fact, all Nabisco cookies are overrated and shitty. I wrote this 900 word rant about what is wrong with Chips Ahoy and Oreos, but decided to cut it from this recap. I’ll post it on my Dailykos blog instead.

Eli sees that Imogen has not opened her report card. She is too nervous to look at it, but apparently has been carrying it with her everywhere. With Eli’s encouragement, she finally reads it. And…she failed her senior year. Shocking, I know.

Fiona meets them and they proceed to the ballroom. Prom will be held in the first floor of Coyne Castle. Fiona and Imogen kiss. Melinda Shankar’s (Alli) name flashes in the credits, technically making three girls involved in this kiss. Hell yeah man.

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This isn’t just another episode, it’s a Degrassi Special. How many specials does this retarded show need? Considering that every episode is one half of an hour long story, all they are doing is airing a standard episode in one night instead of two. It’s not like more effort or money went into this than your average half-assed episode. And you’d think if the producers wanted to put the viewers under the illusion this was something actually special, they would put more effort into their title graphic than a default template from someone’s copy of Windows Movie Maker.

In her bedroom, Fiona and Imogen make themselves pretty for prom. Imogen has her hair down and I must say, the girl is actually attractive when she doesn’t have chopsticks on her head.

Imogen cries and confesses that she flunked all her classes. “But you’re so smart,” Fiona lies. They can still be near each other since Fiona is going to college in Toronto.

Clare, Ali and Jenna are clothes shopping. Normally Alli and Jenna don’t bring Clare along since Ali and Jenna shop at places like Forever 21 while Clare prefers Forever 51. LOL! They are trying to persuade Clare to go to prom, which she refuses to do after Eli broke up with her after he met that Jewess.

Jenna: What about all the people who want you two together?

Clare: What people?

Ha ha. This is a meta joke to all the young fans who ship Clare and Eli (Cleli). I am impressed the writers made that joke as subtle as they did and didn’t have Clare and Jenna then stare into the camera for several minutes.

A boy from school named Cliff talks to Clare, and at first Clare is pissed off that a guy seems to be hitting on her but then asks him to prom.

Back at the castle, there is a surprise guest. Fiona’s mom! She is free from house arrest and in the clear! “Thankfully, Obama administration doesn’t prosecute financial fraud,” explains Fiona’s mom. “But the man who blew the whistle on us is going to federal prison for 20 years!”

There’s more good news. Fiona’s mom spoke with Italian fashion designer, Fettuccine Alfredo. Fiona has a chance to work for him in Italy instead of college! Fiona is happy but Imogen doesn’t like this.

In Clare’s room, Ali, Clare and Jenna get ready for prom while dancing because girls dance while doing everything. They are happy Clare has a date, even if it is to make Eli jealous. Jenna calls Cliff “a dreamboat” but then quickly tells her friends to not tell Connor that. Connor will stab Cliff.

Ali zips Clare up but feels a lump on her back. Could it be cancer? Jenna tells Clare to get that checked because her aunt had a lump on her back and it turned out to be cancer and she died. Which is a great thing to tell Clare right before prom. So Clare could have cancer, but who cares about that now? It’s prom!

Clare gets called downstairs. Her date is here.

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Clare steps outside. But Cliff isn’t there. It’s Eli and he’s dressed as a Napoleonic general. The camera zooms out and we see that Eli rented a horse and carriage. It’s probably correct to assume Eli is having a bit of a manic episode here, but then again, Eli would be a weird kid even without the bipolar. Clare has to explain that they are broken up. You see, Clare committed to their relationship. She said she was “all in”, which was a big deal awhile back,  and then Eli cheated on her. “No,” explains Eli, “it doesn’t count as cheating because she’s one of God’s Chosen People. I was doing the Lord’s work. You’re, like, Christian. You get it. Hey-hey-hey!” Even Eli’s wicked Fat Albert impression can’t save this.

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Cliff arrives. He doesn’t know what to think about the horse. Eli demands to know who he is.

Cliff: Cliff, her prom date. Who are you?

Eli: Eli, her, uh, soul mate.

Cliff isn’t prepared to duel with Eli over Clare. Eli brought a sword. Cliff didn’t even bring a car, he just walked here. So Eli one ups him by having a ride. I think Clare lives close enough to the school to walk. In fact, it looks like she lives on the same street Emma did, and that was Degrassi street! Clare might even live in Emma’s house. I don’t pay enough attention to know if the interiors match, but back with Darcy was on the show, the exterior was the similar but we only ever saw her bedroom and I was never sure if there was more to her house than that. My ongoing theory is that Mr. Simpson sold his house and is living in the school now because it’s the only place he feels comfortable. He spent most of his life attending or working in Degrassi.

Clare goes to prom with Cliff.

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Prom is bumping, yo. There’s a third plot that involves Moe being sad that he and Jake are graduating. He is even sadder that Jake didn’t come to prom. Instead, all his has with him is his girlfriend, Trayvon, and that sucks. Trayvon wants to enjoy prom. She went through a lot of work picking a dress at the Salvation Army and getting her hair did, so tells Moe that if he is going to be a sourpuss, he should just leave. So Moe does! But as he is at the doorway, he gets surprise. Jake has come to prom! Jake totally enters all James Bond like in his tux too, and Moe is as happy to see him as Pussy Galore.  Not since JT and Toby has there been a male friendship on Degrassi that looked this gay.

JT and Toby were made for each other. Ever since the first episode they have been close. A little too close. The kind of close that makes people uncomfortable. They aren’t gay or anything. It’s quite clear that they both like women and they both go after various women with limited degrees of success. It’s just that when the chips are down, and they have both been rejected for the third time that week, they always go to each other for consolation. Then they have a sleep over. Which is pretty weird if you’re in high school. Still it makes them happy, and who are we to judge their strange and disturbing relationship? Just as long as they stop telling people about looking at porn together.

–  Johnny Dangerous, “Degrassi Couples”

Meanwhile, Fiona, Imogen, Drew and Bianca share a table, because they are clique. Drew and Bianca are happy about Fiona’s opportunity in Italy, but Imogen is not. Imogen does that retarded thing where she spews off a string of nouns and adjectives about how bad Italy is. Form a complete sentence, you cunt. It’s weird because Imogen herself is Italian. Don’t Italians love Italy? That’s the impression I got from the episode of The Sopranos where they went to Italy and also the Everybody Loves Raymond one.

Clare dances with Cliff and spends the whole time talking about how great Cliff is for never cheating on her (in the five hours they’ve known each other). Cliff replies that Eli’s carriage gesture was romantic and Eli is dreamy.

Clare: Maybe you should date him.

Cliff: Man, I wish.

No, that’s what he says. Cliff is a gayfag.

Fiona announces that Eli & Clare won prom king and queen. Clare did not expect this and leaves the room while Eli goes on stage.

Fiona’s phone rings and Imogen is the only one at the table, so answers it. It’s Fettuccine and he wants to meet with Fiona tonight!

Moe and Jake steal cake from another table and feed each other (isn’t Moe diabetic?). I find it a bit surprising that Moe and Jake are besties. Jake gets high with Eli, so I thought Jake and Eli were the bro power couple. Jake reveals that Trayvon paid him $50 to come to prom, but he is having so much fun he would have come for free. Moe gets unnecessarily upset over this and treats it like Jake was paid to be his prom date, which Jake kind of is.

I do like that Moe ditched his girlfriend at prom to be with his best friend. And Moe and Trayvon are an actual couple. They aren’t doing what a lot of kids do by pairing up with a boy or girl they vaguely know just so they have someone to go to prom with and don’t end up at home that night having a tea party with their Ninja Turtles like I totally did not do.

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Imogen goes to the restaurant to meet Fettuccine Alfredo. She impersonates Fiona in an effort to sabotage this. She drinks his wine and grabs his leg. Yeah, I don’t know if that would be inappropriateto an Italian. This is standard practice when Silvio Berlusconi is hiring his secretaries/prostitutes.

Fettuccine leaves in disgust and Imogen raises a wine glass and laughs an evil laugh, like the villains in all her favorite Disney movies do.

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Back at prom, Owen and Dallas drink from a flask over their shared sorrow. Dallas is going to have to be a dad this summer and Owen cries over Anya leaving him. Oh yeah, they were a couple for a bit. I didn’t watch those episodes and am glad I did not. Moe joins them and drinks most of the flask (isn’t Moe diabetic?). Right as the song “Time of My Life” plays, Moe cries about how Jake does not understand what a special night this is. God damn, the Moe-Jake thing gets ten times gayer in each scene.

Clare is off somewhere crying. Eli finds her and tells her that he was messed up after finding Cam’s body so that is why he sampled the kosher meat. He also informs her that he was hired as a PA for Bret Michael’s latest film and will leave for New York tomorrow. Clare accepts his explanation and laments:

“We only have one night left.”

Imogen returns to prom and hyperventilates because she just realized what a dumb fucking thing she did. Fiona finds her right when Fiona’s phone rings from inside Imogen’s purse. Oh no!

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Eli and Clare have their king-queen dance. Eli confesses to her that he rigged the election with Fiona’s help. Eli is a dick. I don’t care how persecuted he feels. If you drive a hearse to school, you deserve to be made fun of. I hate how this school always has a small group of kids who have all the fun and control all the important clubs and treat the student body like mere background characters!

Clare decides that since this is the last night they will have together for a long time, they should finally have sex. I am surprised Clare wants to lose her virginity since she is normally so frigid. At least she didn’t give it up to her step-brother.

Fiona just off the phone with her mom. Fettuccine called Fiona’s mom to tell her what happened. Imogen is in trouble now! Imogen confesses to impersonating her. Fiona is super pissed because Imogen drank, so now Fiona’s mom wants to send her back to rehab. “Last time I shared a room with Lindsay Lohan,” Fiona tells Imogen. “She kept talking about how awesome it was on the set of The Parent Trap. It was weird. She jumped the fence and ran away on the third day.”

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