Season 13 Episodes 1 & 2
Airdate: July 11, 2013
This episode is about summertime.
Somehow, the opening theme has actually gotten worse. The theme song has all but been eliminated. Now that half-hour shows are really only 20 minutes long, they never have time for proper theme songs anymore. That’s right, a third of most TV shows are commercials now. SMASH CAPITALISM!
Maya is still on show, as well as Tristan, who has surprisingly not died of AIDS. I mean, he clearly has never engaged in sexual contact, but he is such a fruity-toot that I kind of expected him to spontaneously develop it. Like, his white blood cells were so gay they would suddenly start producing the virus on their own. Anyway, they mention that Tori moved away. Wow, Alex Steele stuck around for a full season and a half. Hiring the actress a second time was a bust. Angela Jeremiah was on the show longer that Tori.
There is some boy behind a desk just hanging out at school during the summer. Maya sees him and falls into a display. That means she has a crush. Teenagers are always losing balance or walking into walls when they are horny.
Maya and Tristan went to Degrassi during the summer because they are members of French club, which is going on their big trip to Paris soon. A new student enters the room, a girl who greets everyone with: “Bonjour bitches.” Her name is Zoe and the teacher allows her to swear in class.
Maya and Tristan immediately recognize Zoe as the actress from Wild Wild West, the fictional teen drama show that is to the Degrassi universe what Degrassi is to our universe (Prime Universe). Manny once auditioned for the show, but an actor warned her that everyone who works there is miserable. The writers use Wild Wild West as a way to complain about Degrassi and not risk getting fired. Tristan calls Zoe “amazeballs”. Zoe knows the two of them because the whole cast follows their show vlog. I will go ahead and assume this makes Tristan and Maya a stand in for Johnny and me. The writers captured us pretty accurately.
Zoe and Tristan bond quickly. That night, Zoe takes the two of them to a club. It’s a club that carters to teens, but it’s still pretty exclusive. There is a long line and a bouncer. Teenagers are used to be excluded and judged all the time at school, so you might as well do the same to them afterward. Zoe gets to skip the line because she is a huge cable star and Tristan has locked arms with her, so he gets in as well. But Maya was a few feet behind them so the bouncer won’t let her through. This is a pretty standard trope in TV or movies. Also, Zoe and Tristan can see her from inside, but don’t tell the bouncer she is with them, which also happens so often on television that it is no doubt a TV Trope, but I’m too lazy to look up what it’s called. Also, the bouncer doesn’t think Maya is over 13, so she is not allowed in anyway. In Canada, the drinking age is 13, apparently.
Maya has to look for another way inside. Normally, you just offer the bouncer some drugs, but she is not old enough to know how I skip the line at Chuck E . Cheese’s. Instead, Maya goes around to the back alley. She is alone in an alley at night and—SHIT this usually means a vampire is going to get her! She picks an empty pizza box from the trash and is going to pretend to be delivering a pizza to get in. It’s going to be a problem for whoever opens that pizza box and is attacked by a rat.
There is a boy in the alley and he’s SMOKING A MARIJUANA! His name is Miles, and he was the lad who was milling about Degrassi earlier that day. Miles gets her inside (and backstage), where Fefe Dobson is performing. I had to look up who she is, but she looks like Alice Cooper, if Alice Cooper was a Canadian girl. They reunite with Zoe and Tristan.
Zoe is a total cunt to Maya (I wonder if the writers based Zoe on any particular Degrassi actress). Zoe wants Maya out of the way so she can be Tristan’s one and only fag hag. Zoe steps on Maya’s foot with her heel, which causes Maya to wince in pain and let go of her water bottle, which then lands on the power board, short circuiting it and giving everyone temporary relief from Fefe Dobson.
Security detains the four kids. Miles’s father arrives to take him home. He’s all pissed off and I think we are supposed to think Miles’s dad is a hardass, but any parent would be understandably pissed in this situation. Miles gives Maya his credit card so she can call a cab to get home. Miles is either rich or running a credit fraud ring. I hope it’s the later.
Clare walks down the main boulevard of Toronto with Ali and Jenna, who are pretending to be her friend because she has cancer. Eli has gone to New York City to be a PA on a movie set. Clare gets a text from him, which Ali and Jenna are eager to read because they think it will be something sexy. But it’s a text about Mad Men. That is not sexy! But Clare and Eli are aspiring hipsters, and all aspiring hipsters think talking about Mad Men is sexy. Mad Men airs during the summer, so this is a rare example of the writers being accurate about something.
Clare sees some lingerie in a store window. She snaps a photo of it and sends it to Eli. Oh yeah that is almost as hot as discussing what SCDP is going to do for the GM account.
Later, Clare calls Eli as he is handing out coffee on the set. He is busy with his PA duties, so they schedule a sexy video chat for 10pm, which is right after Man Men!
That night, the two have their sexy time over Skype. Clare begins to remove her clothing. And hey, she’s got a nice pair of hoohas. Too bad she always covers them up with her middle-aged librarian wear. Clare needs to show off her body more often. Her sister was taking her clothes off every third episode at one point. Before things can heat up, Clare’s mom calls her downstairs. Clare has to go, leaving Eli with nothing to do but wack off.
Clare’s mom has something to tell her. Now, if you watched this on TV, you didn’t hear it because the dialogue was muted and replaced with dramatic music. But I watched this on teennick.com, which had subtitles on by default so I read Clare’s mom says her cancer test came back with cancer all over it and is she will have to go stay at the hospital.
Clare goes back to her room and Eli flashes her his penis. He had to maintain an erection until she got back, which isn’t that difficult because 18-year-old guys are erect 75% of the day. Clare tells Eli that her cancer is super bad and she is off to the hospital. “Oh man,” says Eli, “but I’m deep into a stroke session, and you can’t stop halfway through, it’s, like, not healthy, so…uh…I have to get back to this. Bye.”
Degrassi will host a summer camp. Drew is in charge of this, because it is part of his duties as class president. Yup.
In other news, Adam is growing a mullet. I think his model of a man to emulate is Ashton Kutcher while he was hosting Punk’d. Adam will be a camp counselor. So will Imogen, who is dressed like someone on Mad Men, like the aspiring hipster she is.
That night, Adam, Becky and Imogen go to the Fefe Dobson show. Becky’s family is going to Florida for the summer. Florida is the North American epicenter for assholes, so it’s appropriate her family is making a pilgrimage to the motherland. Adam excuses himself to use the bathroom. He has been working up the courage to use the urinal for months and it’s now or never.
When Adam is gone, Becky warns Imogen that she better back off and not try to get with Adam over the summer. Imogen has barely spoken to Adam over the course of the show, but Becky knows she is bisexual or “open-minded” or whatever dumb made up term Imogen uses to describe her sexuality on her Tumblr blog. Adam comes back and Becky plants a big old kiss on him while ignoring the pee all over his slacks. Imogen lowers her head and holds her glasses submissively which is some other TV Trope that tells us Adam and Imogen are going to hook up soon.
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