Season 13 Episode 3
Airdate: July 18, 2013
This is the first standalone ep since season 9. Degrassi is done with every episode being a two-parter. Now we get the same crappy stories, but in half the time!
The French club has arrived in Paris. Look, there’s a French subway! Look, there’s some neighborhood in France! Look there’s a tiny little le car with a weird shaped European license plate! The girls check into their room, which has a large window view of the city which is glaringly obviously the result of a cheap green screen. Just like when they went to Vegas.
Meanwhile, in the boys’ suite, Tristan decides to pretend Maya is his girlfriend so his roommates will not feel uncomfortable sharing space with a gay kid. But that is not the weirdest behavior here. That goes to Alli, who has made a paper cutout of Clare’s head to take along to all the sights and photograph herself with. Alli is going insane.
In front of all the kids, Tristan gives Maya flowers. Maya wants to nip this in the bud soon, so takes Tristan aside and tells him, “We want different things. Actually…we want the same things: boys.” Maya also points out that Tristan has no reason to assume the other boys are homophobic. Tristan says that even if that is the case, they still won’t feel comfortable sharing a room and being naked around a gay kid. Straight boys are uncomfortable being naked around other straight boys, so it doesn’t matter that Tristan is gay. “That’s redonk,” Maya tells Tristan. And she is right. This is really redonk. This whole damn system is redonk! Maya at least gives Tristan a little kiss, which Tristan finds gross. To a gay boy, kissing any girl must be the same as kissing your mother.
Meanwhile, Zoe and some other kids go out to eat. Alli wants to come along, but Zoe is going to be the bitch this season and tells Alli, “Don’t you have your own friends?” That’s mean. On the other hand, Alli is carrying a cutout of someone’s head with her. The other kids are probably scared.
Tristan hangs a blanket over his bed Miles points out that no one cares he is gay and they were only laughing at him earlier because it was funny watching him pretend to be straight. Tristan won’t believe him. Come on Tristan, even the doctor who delivered you knew you were gay. When you were a baby, you cried whenever you were placed near a breast.
Later Tristan sees that the blanket has been taken down and a mint left on his pillow. Tristan, being apparently retarded, thinks this is some form of harassment. Miles explains that he wants to show that everyone is cool with Tristan’s sexuality, and to reinforce that point, give Tristan a hug while he is not wearing a shirt. Tristan thinks this means they will be a couple soon. Goddamn you Tristan, way to make Alli not the dumbest person on this trip.
Speaking of that moron, Alli is out in Paris alone, trying to ask for directions to the Eifel Tower. But everyone here speaks French and Alli does not, despite taking several years of French class. Alli is frustrated that no one will help her, but she is Canadian, so should know how obnoxious the French are.
Then Alli trips and falls into dog poo, then gets up and walks around frantically while talking to the Clare head. Alli is experiencing a mental breakdown. But she snaps out of it when she randomly finds the Eiffel Tower, which can’t have been that hard since it’s a tower. Of course, it’s really cheap green screen. Degrassi has the same green screen technology as Shane Dawson. The scene cuts away before the actress smacked into it.
We come back to see Alli enjoying the sights. She tries to take a picture next to the Tower, but a selfie don’t cut it when you are outside your bathroom, so she asks a man to take a photo of her. The man runs off with her camera. God damn Gypsy! Another boy tackles the gypsy and retrieves the camera.
Alli goes to a café with hero. She complains about Paris is miserable because no one speaks English and the coffee is bad. The boy resists the urge to slap her (making him a better person than me) and says he will show her how to enjoy the city. He shows her that she can make the coffee taste better by adding sugar. Alli is dumb enough to think sugar in coffee is a French custom. She’s going to return to Canada and go to the Dot and order coffee with sugar, loudly and really emphasize the word “sugar”. Then she is going to say that is how they drink coffee in Paris, and make sure she says it loud enough for everyone in the Dot to hear.
In her houspital room, Clare and Eli watch Wild Wild West. Zoe’s character is in the hospital and may die (as Maya stated in the previous ep), but Clare doesn’t want to dwell on death, so they make out. Eli stokes her hair and clumps of it fall out. That kills the mood.
Clare has to go to a group therapy session with other cancer-stricken kids. They are have all been through chemo, so they all wear wigs. Clare bonds with a girl in a bright red wig, who must be eagerly anticipating the release of Kick-Ass 2. Red hair tells Clare her boyfriend broke up with her over the cancer. Clare says that will not happen with her boy, because he said he was “all in.” Red Hair is like, “Sure, my boyfriends said the same thing, but couldn’t handle that I was superhero who teamed up with a boy in green spandex.”
Later, Adam pays Clare a visit. OK, Adam and Clare are still friends. I wondered about that because Adam was absent for quite a few Eli-Clare centered episodes last season. Adam brought Clare a copy of Die Hard, but it was bad idea to bring that movie to someone who might die soon, and hard. “Come one Adam. You know I like Die Hard 3. I wish I had the sandwich board John McClane wore.”
Clare is mad that Eli wrote rules for how her friends should act around her. When Eli shows up she gets frustrated and pulls her hair out. Literally.
So Clare shaves off her hair. First time a girl has looked better that way. Clare tries on a curly black wig that makes her looks like Rosanne Barr during Rosanne. This is why we shouldn’t have socialized health care in the US. Sure, your cancer treatment is totally free, but the wig options are awful. Clare later gets a blonde wig that matches Tristan’s bleach job. When he gets back from France they can pretend to be brother and sister.
Clare is schedule for an MRI. That means the doctors need to know if the cancer has spread. If it has, Clare is doomed. DOOOOMED! So that night, she and Eli have a tender moment. Clare says she understands if Eli wants to break up, but Eli assures her, “I want to be with you Clare. That’s all I wanna do.”