Season 13 Episode 5
Airdate: August 1, 2013
Adam is dressed nicely for a video date with Becky. Yup, he has totally committed to looking like Ashton Kutcher. He bought two pizzas, one for him and he ordered another for Becky in Florida. However, the chat quickly goes sour when a shirtless boy appears behind Becky. He’s Todd, a member of Becky’s church group. The chat has to end because the group has to hand out pamphlets about the Crucifixion in the Jewish neighborhood. “Don’t worry man,” Todd says to Adam as he ends the chat, “I’ll take care of her.” Oh shit! Adam feels threatened.
“I think that’s the guy who’s stealing your girlfriend,” Drew says with pizza in his mouth.
The next day at Degrassi Day Camp, Adam looks at the many pictures of Becky with Todd on her Facerange page. They are in a folder called “Best Night Ever”! A little boy named Colton looks over Adam’s shoulder and asks if Becky is his girlfriend and says he has a girlfriend too. Adam warns him to never let his girl go to Florida. Colton says he won’t and also doesn’t ask why he feels boobies on Adam.
Adam and Imogen are overseeing their kids build a Wigwam in the parking lot. But Adam has his focus on his phone and Facerange. When he looks up, he notices that Colton ran off. Imogen wasn’t watching the kids either because a brightly colored beach ball had her attention. And Colton’s a little black kid, so he can run fast. That boy’s halfway to America by now. Adam goes to Drew. Drew is pissed.
“Simpson’s going to kill me. Then I’m going to come back from the dead and I’m going to zombie kill you. I know it sounds awesome Adam, but trust me, it’s not going to be.”
Luckily, Dallas has him. Colton probably ran to Dallas thinking he was the dad he never met. Adam waits in the Media Immersion room to find out if he has been fired (is this a paying job or volunteer?). He looks at Becky’s Facerange some more. There is a prominent photo of Todd holding Becky and they are both in swimwear, which is sexy like underwear but you can swim in it. Imogen enters the room after Colton filled her in on the Todd situation. Adam knows Becky’s password (it’s “password”) so logs in and wants to delete the photos. He checks Becky’s inbox. She’s had 187 chats with Todd, but Adam’s name did not show up in any of them.
“I’m going to send this Todd a message.”
He meant that literally. Camp is over for the day, but Drew, Dallas, Adam, and Imogen are still there. Drew gets in his personal hula hoop time, as he does every day after camp. Adam thinks he should send a message to Todd from Becky’s account telling him to stay away from her. Imogen says it won’t work because Todd will just ask her about the message. Adam thinks he can get around that by telling Todd to never talk to her about the message and ends it with “PS. Wear a shirt”. This sounds like an airtight scheme. I can see no holes in it.
Later, Becky calls Adam. Todd got a message from her account she did not send and then Facerange alerted her that someone accessed her account from Toronto, so she put two and two together and IT ADDED UP TO FOUR! This is realistic. I tried to use Facebook from my phone once but then Facebook said my account had been hacked and I was locked out of it for a few days. I was totally unable to find out what my Tea Party supporting relatives had to say about liberals!
Adam tries to explain himself but Becky hangs up.
Tristan is no longer a fan of Zoe after she stole Miles. I don’t think a girl can steal a boy away from another boy if the first boy is only interested in girls, but Tristan is almost as dumb as Alli. Tristan doesn’t want to go to class and be around Zoe or Miles, but Maya assures him, “It’s not like they’re going to make out in class.”
That always means they will be. They are making out in class!
Maya doesn’t like Miles and Zoe together either. Later, she looks out the balcony to see them making out on the sidewalk below. So she gets a bucket of water and pours it out below. But she didn’t look first. Zoe and Miles moved and Maya soaked Le Madame. Tristan was on the balcony with her, so both of them get detention.
Detention involves scrubbing the hotel floors. Tristan goes to get some gloves to protect his manicure and then Miles appears. Maya says the water was meant for him and Zoe. Miles says that Zoe isn’t his girlfriend.
Maya: Oh so, you just makeout with whoever?
Miles: Whoever asks nicely; so ask away.
That explains it. Miles just yearns for affection because he doesn’t get it from his parents. That’s why he accepted Tristan’s kiss. Maya tells Miles that he is a jerk for making out with Zoe all the time after getting Tristan’s hopes up with their kiss and Tristan is really upset over it. Tristan reappears just in time to hear this.
Tristan runs off to cry like the woman he almost is. Maya tries to apologize but Tristan won’t accept it. Maya doesn’t understand why Tristan is upset and he won’t tell her but is mad she doesn’t know. The gender roles are totally swapped here.
“This morning I could pretend I wasn’t feeling well,” says Tristan, “now Miles knows I’m just a lovesick puppy. It’s mortifying”. I like to pretend Tristan says that in a really effeminate Southern accent while sniffing petunias. Try it! Maya tries to apologize again, but Tristan won’t accept. “I’m not going to sign for your best friend package,” Tristan says, “Return to sender”. *finger SNAP* FIERCE! Boys as incredibly gay as Tristan are incapable of using curse words, but what Tristan said to Maya is the equivalent of a straight boy calling her a fucking Nazi cunt.
Meanwhile, Alli is worried her French boyfriend wants to have sex soon. According to cartoons, the French are really horny—particularly the skunks. But after Alli’s many bad experiences with Mini-Connor and Drew and Johnny, and probably some other boys, she wants to take it slow with this one.
So Alli surprises her boyfriend by bringing Jenna and Connor to his chateau for their dinner date. Since this was not planned, Connor is concerned the French boy did not prepare enough food. The four get eating and when Alli asks if there are any more spots in Paris to visit, French boy mentions that there are a lot of secluded places to be intimate.
Connor: Sex? Like in a park?
French boy: If you like.
That’s actual dialogue. We learn a couple of things about Connor. One, he has itemized all of he and Jenna’s romantic events in his head like Rainman. He knows exactly how many dates and hugs and make out sessions they’ve had. Second, the idea of sex bothers him. This upsets Jenna. But Connor thinks he is being reasonable. “Vaginas smell like fish and when white people sweat, they smell like ham,” Connor explains. “Who wants ham and fish for the same meal? That’d be gross.”
Alli tries to tell Connor that is not an appropriate thing to say, but Connor will have none of it.
“Isn’t that why we’re here? So you don’t have to have sex with Leo?”
I love Connor’s autistic honesty.
Alli fixes things later by telling her boyfriend she is just worried about going too fast. They kiss. A really good Nirvana song is “About a Girl”.