Season 13 Episode 7
Airdate: August 15, 2013
French club has just three days left in the country. Alli is forlorn that she will never ever see Jacque Strappe again. Jenna says Alli is lucky to be able to say that she fell in love with Paris. Alli frets that it means she will never experience love like this again. Jenna should be like, “God damn it Alli, I am not your babysitter.” Clare sends both of them an urgent text about Adam.
“Who’s Adam?” they both ask.
The French club will end their stay with dinner at a Michelin star restaurant. That sounds expensive. Maybe they mean a trip to a Michelin store. Gonna look at some tires. Zoe cuntedly tells Maya that she will need better clothes than she owns for this dinner. Lucky, Maya’s gay has her back and proposes they go shopping. Maya is like, “Oh no, I don’t want a shopping montage.” She even says “shopping montage”. Like I’ve said several times before, you can only be meta snarky about television tropes if you are a good show. So stop it, Degrassi.
Jacque broke up with Alli since she is going to leave. Alli then phones Clare. Clare tells her that life is short (particularly Clare’s) and she should find a way to keep Jacque. “Don’t think,” Clare says, “Just have fun.” That’s already what Alli does in any situation. That’s like telling a cop, “Don’t think. Just hate black people.”
So Alli knocks on the door of Jacque’s château. “You didn’t fight for me!” she yells before he can even say hello. In what way was he supposed to fight for her? Camp outside the National Assembly and demand they grant Alli citizenship? Alli has somehow gotten crazier. “We’re spending time together whether you like it or not,” says Alli and then pounces on him.
Meanwhile, Maya and Tristan have their shopping montage. They mostly try on hats. Tristan jokes about how Maya wants to wear something to impress Miles because she likes him. “So do you,” replies Maya. They see a tight green dress in a shop window. Without looking at the price tag, Tristan immediately knows it costs $5000. Gay men are knowledgeable about women’s fashion in the same way that straight men are about professional sports. See, in both cases it is something they nerd out about by spending a lot of time discussing and memorizing all these facts about the topic, but don’t have the bodies to participate in directly. They are both on the outside looking in. Anyway, Maya wants to wear it show up Zoe, so charges it to her mother’s credit card and intends to return it after the dinner. Does she not have Miles’s credit card?
Alli and Jacque are having their sexy time in bed. The door opens. It’s Jacque’s grandparents. He lives with them. It’s OK. It’s Europe. They will just sit and watch silently, as is the custom. Then Alli has a meal with Jacque’s family. Alli and Jacque then excuse themselves to go the French club dinner. Jacque informs Alli he will transfer to the University of Toronto, where his godfather lives. I will assume the godfather lives right in the university.
Maya and Tristan arrive at the French club dinner. Maya has on the green dress and Tristan helps her avoid all of the things that could spill on it. They sit next to Miles and Zoe. Zoe purposefully spills a drink on Maya’s dress. Tristan takes Maya to the girls room (the proper restroom for both) to clean it. When they get back, Miles informs them he broke up with Zoe. He wants to get away from Zoe; put Miles behind her. Zoe is crying. Maya should have gone up to Zoe and started licking her face. “Oh your tears taste so delicious.”
Alli and Jacque arrive late, so Le Madame docks Alli 20%. I don’t know if it’s 20% off the grade or food. But Jacque sweet talks Le Madame in French and gets Alli her 20% back. Jenna thinks it is crazy that Jacque is following her to Canada after only knowing her for a few weeks. Man, you know a plan is fucking nuts when Jenna is the one with common sense.
After the dinner, Alli and Jacque have a romantic walk along the bridge. Alli asks how French people stay so skinny when they eat so much delicious food. Jacque says that like a tiny dog, they all take really big poops. Alli gets a text from Dallas, wanting to talk when she gets home. So are they still an item? Jacque gets really jealous and grabs Alli’s wrist really hard. Shit that boy turned from romantic to abusive faster than a man in a Lifetime movie!
We don’t have time for an abusive relationship story. The episode is almost over. The next scene we see are the kids boarding the bus to leave. Maya informs us that the shop took the dress back, so all is well with that, too. Zoe is still pissed at Maya.
Zoe is a weird villain. Past bitches have had a genuine reason to be bitches. Paige and Holly J were bitches because they were the queen bees and had to maintain the vicious social hierarchy of high school. If the hierarchy were to crumble, you’d have absolute chaos, like when the French monarchy was toppled. Geeks would be dating cheerleaders, the swim team would be running track, and the lunch lady would rule the halls. Total pandemonium! Alex was a bitch because she came from a broken home on the wrong side of the tracks and was abused. Bianca was for much of the same reason. Fiona was bitchy due to repressing her incestuous feelings for her brother. Becky was religious nutjob. I’m not certain what motivated Katie to be a bitch. I think it had something to do with how soccer messes people up. But Zoe took one look at Maya and hated her. She’s supposed to be jealous that Maya likes Miles, but Zoe was mean to her before Miles even showed up. God damn, I can still believe it, though, because teenage girls can be total cunts to each other for no reason.
Adam is hospitalized after the car crash. He is unconscious with a tube down his throat. His family is here, Drew, the mom, and the dad who we rarely see and I don’t think has ever spoken. The doctor enters and refers to Adam as a female, so Adam’s mom corrects him that Adam is a boy. The doctor assumes he has the wrong chart until she informs him Adam is transgender. “The EMTs spent the better part of the night in the woods looking for your son’s severed penis,” says the doctor. “You could have told us this earlier and saved them a lot of time.” The doctor says Adam suffered severe trauma to chest and will have to have surgery.
Also, the van was totaled. Now kids in Ravine going to have to have sex in the woods. That’s going to attract animals. All mammals basically have sex with a penis and vagina. If a deer or rabbit witnessed two humans doing it, they’d totally know what was going on. Probably could get horny from it too, I’d suspect. Shit, now I wish I had majored in zoology in college because I have an awesome idea for a summer research project.
While Adam is in surgery, Drew and Dallas decorate his hospital room with cards people made for him, including that loveable scamp, Colton. But then the parents enter the room with sad faces. The scene goes silent. Drew drops a card and we watch it fall to the floor—hard, like a scene from a Werner Herzog film. Like if Herzog was forced to direct a Degrassi episode to pay off debts. Everyone cries. It is apparent Adam died.
In Canada, that tree could be charged with a hate crime.