Season 13 Episode 9
Airdate: October 3, 2013
I get TeenNick on my cable now, ‘cause I upgraded. I used be limited to the basic package that only went as high as MSNBC. TeenNick was the next channel up, but unavailable. It was so close, yet so far away! I would have happily traded MSNBC for TeenNick. I hate that dumb, libtard, lamestream media outlet. And don’t accuse me of conservative bias, because I hate Fox News just as much. I get all my information from the /pol/ section of 4chan (did you know Pope Francis is really a Jew?)
I thought this would be great, because now I can watch episodes when they air instead of waiting for my source across the border to smuggle them to me. It’s pain since he puts the episodes on a thumb drive and hides it up his butt. Then when he crosses the border, he expects me to dig it out of him. I really need to figure out how Bittorrent works.
The weird thing is, TeenNick hardly ever shows Degrassi. It’s their only original program and they’ll air it Thursdays at 9 and then, like, Friday at 4am and that’ll be it. Instead, TeenNick mostly plays recent shows from Nickelodeon such as Victorious and ICarly over and over. Come on, Degrassi has like 5000 episodes and they won’t even air the old stuff.
So then I checked out TeenNick OnDemand. They don’t make Degrassi available there either! Every cable channel will put their original programming on demand except TeenNick. Instead, TeenNick’s OnDemand has stuff called “H2O” and “SliDE” (spelled just like that) which don’t appear on the regular TeenNick lineup. It’s like TeenNick is embarrassed to be the home of Degrassi. Maybe the channel’s executives signed a long-term contract with the Canadian government to be the official broadcaster of Degrassi, back when the show was getting a lot of press in season 4, and are locked in to broadcasting Degrassi until 2035. They want to drop it, but the financial penalties would be too high.
I did discover something cool on TeenNick, though: Zoey 101. It was on in the mid-00s, but I had never heard of it before. It starred Jamie Lynn Spears, who is Britney’s littler sister and looks exactly like her. I was excited because I thought, ‘Hey, Britney is all fucked up, but it’s OK because we got this younger version all ready to go.’ Then I found out she had a baby when she was 16. Fuck. That means she got pregnant while filming her TV show. God damn it, Jamie Lynn, you were a rich actress and you couldn’t even bother with birth control! Just goes to show, you can take the girl out of Louisiana, but you can’t take the Louisiana out of the girl.
Clare runs into the front lobby of Degrassi, eager to return to her beloved school. It is 6am on the first day of school. Jenna and Alli are already there, which is wildly out of character. Connor is here too, but that’s because Simpson lives in Degrassi and Connor was adopted by him. Jenna and Connor hug, and Clare gives off a fake cough to get their attention. “Did the cancer spread to your lungs?” Connor asks. This is Connor being all autistic. What Connor meant to say is, “Bitch, shut your yap. I’m not your boyfriend. I don’t owe you attention.” Being on the spectrum actually makes Connor come off more polite than he means to.
Anyway, they are locked out of the rest of the building. Perhaps these kids forgot there is no school today because it is some holiday only celebrated in Commonwealth countries. It’s Prince Charles’ birthday. Drew enters from behind the locked door. Apparently, it’s the class president’s job to open the school on the first day. Drew is up bright and early, wearing a polo shirt and slacks, and sipping coffee. He also set up everything for the first day festivities. Drew is going to seize the day, everyday. He has to be mature now because he is the last of the Torres line. The future of the family rests on his shoulders. Before, his parents assumed doctors would find a way for Adam to produce sperm before Drew would become a responsible person.
The first day of school kicks off with a party. Such will be the state of things under the Torres Administration. In other high school shows, for instance Saved by the Bell or Boy Meets World, there is always the episode where the slacker kid campaigns for class president on the promise of more parties and less work. But the episode will end with him realizing that is not what being class president is about, and if elected, he would not be able to carry out his campaign pledges. Degrassi decided to leave off that ending. Way to buck the one high school TV trope that is realistic.
Imogen asks Becky if she had a fun summer. Immediately after letting those words out, Imogen realizes her mistake, since you know, Becky was dealing with the death of her boyfriend. Imogen has to tug open her collar to let the steam out. Yes, she feels that embarrassed. It doesn’t help that Connor is right behind her to say, “Wonk wonk!”
Drew is now wearing a dress shirt and takes the stage to introduce his cabinet. Dallas is Athletic Rep. Alli is Social Coordinator (ironic as Alli is social, but not coordinated). Connor is Treasurer (makes sense since a black kid with autism will have the math skills of an Asian) and Jenna is secretary (as Drew says “she’ll take minutes and your heart”). Clare is VP. The kids are managing the school now.
Drew collapses on stage.
The opening theme starts and when we get back Drew is walking about. He probably should have gone to the hospital or something. Drew has been taking sleeping pills to deal with the pain of Adam’s untimely demise.
Meanwhile, Simpson is absolutely giddy that Zoe is enrolling, because he is a big fan of Wild West, the teen drama she is an actress on. God, the writers are turning Simpson into the exact person we’ve joked about him being for years. Next episode, Simpson will take the day off to be first in line to buy the new Disney Princess Barbie collection. Turns out Zoe was fired from her show, so has to attend a normal school Degrassi now.
Onto the student council meeting. Drew wants the council’s next event to be a beach dance. Becky proposes they do something to remember Adam: a no texting and driving campaign. Drew says Adam would have wanted a beach dance.
Miles makes friends with Maya and Tristan. They are surprised to see Zoe in Degrassi. But she was in Degrassi French club, so they shouldn’t be. Zoe is having her monthly, because she starts class by throwing coffee onto a teacher.
Alli waits outside the Dot as a weird orange and green colored Canadian taxi pulls up. Wacky Canadian taxi-cabs. The passenger is Pepe! What? He came all the way from France to be with Alli? How bad is France doing right now that you’d leave for someone like Alli? And Alli is happy to see him. They kiss. Alli has forgiven him for physically hurting her. Degrassi is seriously doing this.
It’s night and Drew and Dallas are playing video games while wearing wife beaters. Normally, two muscular young men in wife beaters would get gay around now. They still do in my imagination. Drew takes sleeping pills for sleeping.
The next day at school, Jenna and Clare inquire about Alli’s new boy, who they assume is Dallas. She reveals that he is Pepe and came to Canada for her. “It’s that so romantic?” Alli swoons. “Try insane,” retorts Jenna, making sense for once. Alli points out that they can not judge her boy when their boyfriends have crashed their car on purpose, brought a gun to school, and stolen ladies’ underwear as Eli, Eli (and KC), and Connor have done. Damn, the more I think about it, if Eli did half the shit he did on the show in real life, he’d be placed in a group home for troubled teens.
Drew is not in school. He slept in. Why didn’t Dallas wake him up? A phone call from Bianca wake him up. Drew called her at 4am and they had a sexy phone conversation, except Drew remembers none of it. Typical man! Am I right, ladies? Drew dashes off to school and tells Bianca they will have to have sex phone time later. Bianca makes a cat sound.
Zoe in Simpson’s office over yesterday’s coffee attack. She is in big trouble, but Simpson slides a Wild West fanfic across the desk and says he might be able to make her problem go away if that fanfic were to reach the producers. Zoe’s mom covers for her by saying she has Dyslexia. She then tells Simpson to leave his office so she can speak to her daughter in private, and Simpson does because a woman told him to. This is when we learn that Zoe’s mom is pissed because mommy has to go get a real job after her daughter was fired. No more living off her daughter’s fat CBC paycheck. Zoe’s mom is whatever the Canadian word for “cunt” is.*
Drew arrives at school to see Imogen sunbathing on a pile of sand. You can’t do that Imogen!. There is no sunlight in Canada. Dallas says Drew ordered the sand but he doesn’t remember doing so. Oh shit, Drew turns into a werewolf at night! A werewolf with impulsive buying habits. Dallas heard Drew buying it at 3am. Maybe Dallas should have stopped Drew instead of waiting until now to tell him. Dallas seems really passive aggressive. We learn that some people get crazy side effects with sleeping pills. It makes sense as Drew already has a messed up brain due to getting hit in the head in multiple episodes.
Zoe tries to make friends with Maya, Miles and Tristan as they are the only three people she knows, but is blown off. Miles nears and calls her a “mean girl”. Miles is acting like a girl. Zoe trips, but falls in Drew’s arms and he asks her to come with him to student council meeting. That’s the romantic thing to ever happen to a 15 year old.
Drew has filled the council with 9th grade girls loyal to him in order to sway the vote. Way to pack the Court, FDR! Clare’s proposal to hang 4000 cell phones in the foyer “one for every teen texting and driving death a year” loses to Drew’s beach party. I would have voted for Clare’s because, hey, free cell phones in the foyer! Clare is disgusted.
Clare: What is this?
Drew: It’s a democracy.
Clare quits in protest and tells Drew that he can set up the dance without her and “better get a lot of sleep”. That’s an oddly appropriate thing to say. Clare must know about Drew’s difficulty with that. Drew probably calls Clare at 3am for phone sex.
That night, Drew takes more pills. It’s 4am and a girl’s phone rings. Drew is calling to say she is a sweet piece of ass. But the girl is not Bianca. It’s Zoe. Dun Dun DUN!