Season 13 Episode 12
Airdate: October 24, 2013
Clare and her mom have an appointment with her oncologist. Her cancer may have returned. Shit now Clare only has a year to become the Meth Kingpin of the Great Lakes.
The doctor says that Clare does not have more cancer, but her memory problems are a result of a condition he calls “Chemo Brain”. Turns out it’s a real side effect of cancer treatment, so congratulations to the Degrassi writers for doing research for once. There is no treatment and the effect can last years. It would be funny if it turned out steroids could help Clare.
The editor of Moose likes Clare’s article about Zoe, but reminds Clare that the magazine will fact check it with Zoe. Oh no! Clare made it all up! Clare gets to Zoe before the Moose editor first. Zoe will sign off on the article if Clare will eliminate all the stuff about her feeling alone and add more boys liking her. Clare can’t do that as she already submitted it and asks Zoe to cut her a break because she had cancer. Zoe will do no such thing.
“Cancer didn’t make you lie, Clare. You did that all by yourself.”
– Zoe to Clare
Clare’s next plan is to have Alli phone the editor pretending to be Zoe. Alli can’t be trusted to carry this out.
“Hello, this is Al—I mean Zoe. Zoe Bhandari. I’m calling to say all that stuff that my BFF Clare wrote are true. Uh huh?….Yes that happened…Yes, that did too…Zoe did that? Wow, Zoe’s a total bitch.”
So Clare admits to embellishing the article. The editor is disappointed, but that’s what you get for trusting your magazine to a high schooler. Now Clare bombed out with [[a second publication]]. And in Degrassi time, they both would be in the same 365 day timespan. Clare should find another line of work. Clare cries about how she will never get into college now and tries to pull the cancer card. It works and the editor agrees to give her a second chance. Moose magazine must be desperate for writers.
“You have achieved something this year. You beat cancer.”
– Moose editor to Clare
The episode ends with Clare realizing that for her application essay to Columbia, she should write about having cancer. And also claim to be a gay orphan from Haiti.
“Who knows what the future holds? But you got to have some fun, right?”
-Clare to Alli
Dallas has promoted Miles to the starting line of the school’s basketball team (Armstrong is absent again. I think budget cuts mean he only comes in every other Friday or something). This is what Miles wanted and he is proud to be included among the only players on the team who matter. It’s why the NBA’s Sixth Man of the Year Award is the stupidest award in sports. “Congratulations, you were the best player in the NBA…who wasn’t good enough to start. Here’s a trophy for being the 151st best player this year.”
Miles thanks Tristan for getting him the steroids that gave him the boost. He told the rest of team, so they want steroids as well. What? Why would Miles want to give his teammates steroids? He has to compete against them to remain a starter.
Tristan agrees to supply the whole team. Tristan doesn’t want to, but he also doesn’t want to lose Miles as a friend. Later, in the hallway, Dallas holds Tristan up against a locker. Tristan is intimidated, but also kind of turned on.
Dallas knows Tristan is passing steroids to the team. This is confirmed when Tristan spills a bunch of pills right in front of him. Tristan is the worst. Dallas points out how stupid Tristan is to bring steroids to school and that the team is going to be in trouble because student athletes are subject to random drug tests. Tristan confesses that the “steroids” are really vitamins. Dallas is like, ‘Somehow, that makes you even more lame.’
Tristan tells Miles the steroids are fake. Instead of being pleased with himself for making starter on his own merit, Miles is stressed out because the team is going to be mad when they find out. Which will happen as soon as they take a drug test. I would think the rest of the team would be relieved they are fake when they do when they pass a drug test. Or maybe they will think they are on the super undetectable stuff A-Rod took.
So Tristan has to find a way to get the players to stop taking the fake steroids without letting them know they were fake. Not that Degrassi writers are not capable of resolving that in a way that makes sense. This is Larry David level of television scheming.
We go to the locker room,. Tristan warns the team that a drug test is going to happen soon. But don’t worry, Tristan has pills he says will flush the steroids out of their bodies and reminds them that steroids are bad news. Tristan hands each player a pill (gayly I might add) and that is that.
Miles realizes he should not have been mad at Tristan and is proud to have made the starting line on his own hard work. Tristan learns the folly of handing out fake drugs to keep friends, because if this was anyplace other than a school with anything harder than steroids, Tristan would be dead. Dallas watches over them and is impressed. They learned a valuable lesson right in front of his eyes.
God, this was one of the stupidest stories to happen in Degrassi history.
Becky wants to know what Adam wanted to tell her the night he crashed into a tree and then died. Imogen was Adam’s close friend, so Becky goes to Imogen for answers. Imogen, of course, doesn’t want to tell Becky that she and Adam were giving into the passions of the Ravine that night and Adam wanted to confess so badly that he took a van and crashed it.
Imogen asks Drew what to do, as Drew is the class president, therefore wiser than all other students. Drew asks if Imogen wants to tell Becky to make Becky feel better or herself. They discuss this while shooting the news segment for Degrassi TV, and Winston grows restless, saying, “I have places to be. Things to do.” By that, he means masturbating to hentai. “And apparently so do I,” says Imogen. She doesn’t mean masturbating to hentai. She means masturbating to whatever the hell girls masturbate to. Patrick Duffy circa Step by Step.
So, after some soul searching or whatever, Imogen tells Becky that Adam got in the van to call her say he missed her. Imogen omits that it was because he was cheating. I still think that would make Becky feel bad, because they had a fight earlier that day. But Becky knew Adam was trying to call her when he died, so this is probably the least upsetting thing to tell her.
The important thing is Imogen’s conscious is clear. Imogen lets Becky onto Degrassi TV and Becky hugs her and says, “You’re the best Imogen.” Imogen and Becky are the only main girls their age, so they pretty much have to be friends.
This episode was retarded and we are all retarded after watching it.
What the Forum Fags Are Saying:
I like that Maya accuses Tristan of stealing a plot from West Drive by giving out fake drugs, because they’re really stealing the plot of my personal favorite episode of Degrassi, Jagged Little Pill, where Sean gives JT & Toby fake drugs. This show is getting really reflexive and postmodern and I am digging it. – Ruthie Pee