Degrassi: 13.16 “Spiderwebs”

Season 13 Episode 16
Airdate: November 21, 2013

This is the second season finale of season 13. Be careful kids, the third season finale of the 13th season is certain to be cursed.

1

Drew leads the students in setting up a Thanksgiving feast for poor Torontonians. No one else is there to help them in a city where THE MAYOR SMOKES CRACK. Also, Connor admits he voted for Drew over Clare for class president, which makes sense as Connor never seems to like Clare that much. Watch the show closely; Connor never acts particularly pleased when Clare is around.

Drew is looking forward to his girlfriend, Bianca, coming home from college. Dallas says he spotted her at the Dot, which means she hasn’t yet told Drew she is back in town. Drew is bothered, but Bianca probably had a good reason. Like, she was on her monthly and wanted to clear her mind, have a coffee, and get in a good mood before she called Drew. You don’t want to be all up in your menses ‘tude the first time you’ve seen your man in months. Bianca is definitely one of these cool chicks who is aware of how insane periods make her. She’s also totally up for giving blowjobs until the horror passes. Bianca read my self-help book.

My publisher says I will sell more copies if I use a Jewish name, and pretend to be a doctor.

My publisher said we will sell more copies if I use a Jewish name, and pretend to be a doctor.

Drew asks Connor and Jenna if Bianca not contacting him yet is weird. Somehow, Connor & Jenna have the show’s most stable relationship, so they are the couple to go to. “Sounds like a classic Turkey Dump to me,” pipes in Winston. He means the act of dumping your S.O. during Thanksgiving break, the first break home from college—not the sexual act. Dallas has had enough of this discussion and dismisses everyone except Drew, who all leave with their heads down. Dallas knows how to exercise authority.

2

Drew goes to the Dot, where Bianca is with her college friends (one of whom looks just like Alli). Man, if Dallas saw her their this morning, she must be there all day. It’s the only place kids have to hang out and sip coffee. Every other coffee shop in the city must ban people under 21. Maybe since Canada is so far north, coffee is expensive so most people want to enjoy their pricey mochafrachino in peace without a bunch of teen drama constantly going on in the background.

Bianca’s friends leave and she tells Drew she is breaking up with him. Shit, Winston was right, this is a textbook TURKEY DUMP! Her college friends thought it was crazy that she is engaged while so young. She tried to explain about going to Vegas to wed, but deciding to wait and they thought it was crazy all the more so. She tells Drew:

“University has opened my mind up to so much opportunity. There is so much I want to see and do.”

By “opportunity” she means “penis”. Just so we are clear.

Also a story for this episode, Tristan and Zoe are friends now and setting up a play for the poor people feast. This is bad since Tristan is also friends with Maya, who is enemies with Zoe. And two female enemies can’t share the same gay!

Zoe is surprised that Maya still hates her for the online harassment thing. Zoe barely remembers it.

3

Tristan goes to Maya’s house where she has built a blanket fort. Maya is suspended, so this is what she is doing with her time. Maya expects Tristan to spend the night with her and watch Ryan Gosling movies. How about you watch good movies—blanket fort worthy movies? Like Time Bandits. Tristan tells Maya that he has to put on a play with Zoe instead, but says the school is making him, so as not to let Maya know about his new friendship.

Then we have Clare, who is eating cereal out of sadness for Eli getting it on with a girl from college. Alli tells Clare that she needs to decide whether to break up with him. Because Clare should totally take advice from the girl who can’t leave an abusive boyfriend.

So Clare asks Eli what exactly he did with that other girl what girl from college. Eli says they did not have sex, but did get naked. Yeah, it’s called Naked Robber. We’ve been over this! This is enough to tell Clare it is over between them. Clare runs away crying while saying, “I have a Thanksgiving feast to go to!” Now, that’s a pretty funny thing for her to have said while crying after a breakup. I laughed.

Poor People Feast!

4

So, Drew gets Bianca to pretend they are still engaged for his mom’s sake. Bianca and Drew’s mom got along quite well and Drew doesn’t want to disappoint her when she is so proud of Drew for Poor People Feast. Drew’s mom rarely has an opportunity to be proud of him.

Dallas knows about this lie and is all sarcastic when he tells Drew’s mom, “Yeah, we’re so proud of Drew. He always makes the right decisions.” That totally is not drunk talk either. Dallas sobered up pretty quickly. Much quicker than Rob Ford, Toronto’s CRACK SMOKING MAYOR.

But Bianca won’t let Drew kiss her. Drew had hoped he impressed her by putting together this feast, but Bianca still wants to be broken up. Drew is a sad Drew.

5

Drew finds Clare crying in student council headquarters (which Drew renamed the Awesome Station Command Center). They bond over being dumped, and we know where this is going. “The future’s so bright for Eli and Bianca,” mopes Clare and hugs Drew around the shoulder. “You’re the best Clare,” says Drew. Clare initiates a kiss. It’s hot and heavy!

I feel like the writers are running out of pairs when they make one with Drew and Clare. We saw this coming, too.

7

Meanwhile, Zoë and Tristan are about to put on their children’s play. Tristan finds Maya here, hiding in a turkey mask. Maya has to hide because she is suspended. Man, give it up to the writers for remembering that. Maya wants Tristan to hit Zoë  in the face with a pie. Tristan does not, which makes Maya mad. “She ruined my life!” whines Maya. Ask me, she should be happy about being suspended. It’s only one week, but it coincides with Thanksgiving break, so you get twice the vacation as everyone else. I also like that Maya thinks a pie in the face is appropriate revenge.

8

Zoë and Tristan perform their play. It’s about a married couple and a turkey (Winston) who just doesn’t want to be cooked! It may be silly, but the skit is still better than anything MadTV’s ever done. I will point out that we hear a lot of laughter from the children in the audience, but when they cut to the kids, one or two were laughing but most were bored and silent. They couldn’t even get the kids to laugh and had to add it in editing.

9

Zoë sees Maya off stage, so she hugs Tristan extra close. Take THAT Maya! Unexpectedly, Tristan gives Maya satisfaction by hitting Zoë with a pie.

last

Eli hands Clare screenplay. It’s a collection of their emails to each other. Explains Eli:

“It’s the story of us. I don’t want it to end.”

That sounded even 100X more emo in the episode. No wonder Eli gets girls so easily. He can serve the ‘I’m so deep and emotional’ thing to girls and make it as smooth as the chocolate cake they lust over. By the time they should realize he’s psychotic, he’s already hooked them in with all his bad poetry (there’s a very small gap separating good poetry from shit, so it’s great racket to pull with girls). Just look at the number he’s done with Clare over the years.

So, it may not be over between Eli and Clare (a.k.a. Elare). Meanwhile, Drew tells Bianca he is cool with their breakup and tells his mother the truth. Clare just made out with him, so he knows he has options. Shit, Clare was there on day one. With that luck, he might find someone hotter tomorrow.

Tristan brings Maya and Zoë together to force them to make peace. “Maya’s the one in the costume,” Tristan quips, “but as far as I’m concerned, you’re both turkeys.” Oh, those gays and their biting wit! Tristan tells the girls they need to make nice if they want him as their gay. “You both love the same thing,” squeals Tristan, “me!” The girls agree to a truce but also that they still don’t like each other. They are like Egypt and Israel and Tristan is those sweet, sweet billions in American military aid.

6

The episode ends with Drew, his mom, and the student councilors  around a table. Before they can eat, Dallas rises and offers a toast Drew for putting together this meal. I think every episode should end with a toast to Drew. With his combination of terrible scheming and wearing a suit to school, he’s the best character on the show currently (Connor is a close #2).  Like, a episode will end with Connor and Jenna kissing, but Dallas will show up, push them apart and say, “Before you guys can finish, I want to offer a toast to Drew. Cheers.”  Or someone will get into a car accident and Dallas will appear and nudge the driver. “Hey dude, wake up. Are you conscious? We gotta toast Drew.” It will be the gimmick Degrassi needs to be not sucky anymore.