Degrassi is on Netflix, but Watch These Instead

The moment we feared for almost a year is here: Degrassi is on Netflix with ten new episodes. This is how Netflix, a company worth over 44 billion dollars, chose to announce it.

No, Netflix. No.

People have asked me if I watched the Netflix Degrassi episodes. Yes, yes I have. I would recommend anyone with a Netflix account watch something else. Therefore, I have made this list:

Ten Things to Watch on Netflix Instead of Degrassi: Next Class

Keep in mind that Netflix constantly removes good movies from their library to make room for crappy movies, so most items on this list won’t be available a week from now. Also, these are available on the US version of Netflix, but may not be to overseas Netflix users. I don’t care to check. Screw you for being foreign.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

The finest piece of the Kurt Russel filmography. It has romance, excitement, and Chinese people. What more could you ask for?

Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke (1978)

If every Mexican were as fun as Cheech and Chong, I might reconsider my vote for Donald Trump.

City of God (2002)

This is a foreign language film from Brazil. It is subtitled, so you’ll have to read to follow it, which ironically is something most Brazilians cannot do.

The movie is the brutal story of street gangs who fight each other to control the drug trade in the slums of Rio de Janerio. What is fucked up is that the gangs are made up of children, so it’s all kids killing other kids. None of them owns shoes, either! It really makes you thankful to not live in Brazil.

Right now that country is reeling from the Zika virus, which has caused thousands of babies to be born with birth defects. Egghead doctors will tell you this is a major crisis. I say, it can only make Brazil a better place. I don’t see retarded kids with shrunken heads growing up to commit the kind of violence that plagues Brazil now. Or maybe they will grow up to be even more violent. I don’t know. Who cares? I don’t live in Brazil.

Escape from L.A. (1996)

This is the least good Kurt Russell movie, I have to say. Though Kurt Russell movies are like pizza. Even a bad pizza is still really good food, and even a bad Kurt Russell movie is still among the best movies ever made.

Escape from L.A. is the sequel to Escape from New York, which was much better but not on Netflix. I don’t understand why so often sequels are on Netflix, but not the first ones.

Gilmore Girls (2000-2007)

This was a great TV show about the bond between a mother and daughter who live in a quaint little New England town where everyone is on the autism spectrum. I really liked watching it when it originally aired, even though Rory was a whiny little bitch. Season 4 begins with Rory and her mom returning from having backpacked through Europe. The next season starts with Rory traveling Europe again with her grandmother. Then she gets back to Yale and frets that she should have taken an internship that summer. That’s your big dilemma? Fuck you, Rory. You went to Europe two summers in a row and you’re not even 20. And you’re rich and go to Yale. No matter what, you’re going to do well in life. George W. Bush spent his whole time at Yale snorting cocaine and he became president.

Making a Murderer (2015)

I haven’t actually seen this yet, but everyone was talking about it and has an opinion. Most seem to believe Steven Avery was wrongfully convicted. I, however, can state confidently that Steven Avery definitely committed the murder or murders and deserves to be put in the electric chair as soon as possible. If you agree, sign my petition.

Narcos (2015)

Narcos is the only Netflix original series I like. Orange is the New Black is OK, but I could take or leave it. House of Cards is ridiculous. People need to stop telling me it’s a good show. You’re wrong.

Narcos is the semi-fictional story of Pablo Escobar, and the US and Colombian police who try to take him down. It’s narrated by Steven Murphy, a DEA agent sent to Columbia. When Pablo orders Murphy’s cat to be killed, you know he means business. I am not lying about that part.

Pokémon: Indigo League (2000)

Netflix gave Degrassi 4 & 1/2 stars when it debuted. That was way too high. The score went down to 2 & 1/4 stars a week later, which is more accurate. By contrast, Pokémon has 3 & 1/4 stars, which is too low. Anything less than a perfect 5 stars is an outrage and Netflix’s scoring system is all manners of bonkers.

Training Day (2001)

This is the movie that made me want to become a cop.

Trollhunter (2010)

This is from Norway and in Norwegian, so it is subtitled in English. I thought everyone in Scandinavia knows how to speak English. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that they film their movies in English, then.

I think this movie was heavily inspired by Cloverfield. A documentary film crew follows a man they learn is a troll hunter. He kills trolls on behalf of the Norwegian government, who have been operating a conspiracy to keep the existence of trolls secret. It’s funny because even though there is government conspiracy, the film crew is still able to enter all the buildings and interview people involved. It’s just one man from the government will pop by sometimes and say, “Stop this. You can’t see this. Come on, I mean it” and then leave. The Norwegian government is not very good at conspiracies. I think Norway is jealous that the US and Russian governments get to have secret conspiracies, so wanted one too. Except the US government gets cool conspiracies like hiding the existence of aliens or that the Jews orchestrated 9/11. Norway gets trolls.