Degrassi Junior High: 101 “Kiss Me, Steph”

All the way with Stephanie Kaye! Student council presidential nominee Steph ditches her BFF for a chance at fame. But will her giant knockers persuade her peers? Of course. We’re talking about middle schoolers here, people.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very sad news (besides the fact that I’ve written another Degrassi review). Sadder than anything that has ever happened in the entire Degrassi franchise. I’m very sorry to bring to your attention that Neil “Derek “Wheels” Wheeler” Hope has recently died. …What’s that? …He died 4 years ago, and his family only found out last month?! What in the hell?!

Sadly, I think Neil Hope’s actual life mirrored his Degrassi life–born to alcoholic parents, he himself struggled with alcoholism. According to CBC, he died of natural causes, possibly related to his diabetes/alcoholism. All in all, it’s just a sad tale. Very sad and strange. Anyhoo, on with the show.

Guess what? It’s the pilot episode of Degrassi Junior High! This is where it all begins. Hundreds and hundreds of terrible episodes, and it all begins with none-other-than Stephanie, the slut to end all sluts! Oh, and Arthur.

Yaaaaay we won a trophy!!!!!!!!!!

Whoah, wait a second. What are you doing at Degrassi, Liz? Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere else? The episode begins with Stephanie assuming her usual position in the oval office (and by that I mean the bathroom) to meet her bestie, Voula.  Stephanie and Voula were just regular 8th graders at your average middle school. They did normal people stuff, just like normal people do, like giving each other bracelets after summer break. Life was completely and utterly normal, that is…

…Until one day, Stephanie got bit by a radioactive slut, and was forever changed into…

SUPER SLUT!!!!!!!!

Or at least until the end of the day, when her mom picks her up.

Oh yeah, so, um, this is Stephanie’s dorky little brother, Arthur “Jumbo Shrimp” Kobalewsky. He’s got a fuzzy mop top and cheeks so fat his eyes look Chinese. New to this school, resident badboy Joey Jeremiah introduces himself to Arthur as the “official welcoming committee.” Joey pretends to show Arthur to his classroom but instead locks him in the janitor’s closet. And then you have it– the first instance of the word “broomhead” in the Degrassi series. Don’t get me wrong, I hate “broomhead” just as much as the next gal, but in this case it kinda made sense. Arthur’s in a broom closet.

Stephanie flaunts what she’s got while Voula and Fat Nancy shoot her flabbergasted looks. Hey man, if you’re in 8th grade and you’ve got big bazungas, you gotta show them thangs off. It’s not every day that an 8th grader is blessed with teats as fine as Stephanie Kaye’s. Even Wheelchair Girl is jelly.

It’s day 1 of school and 7th grader Yick Yu is failing miserably. Unable to find Ms. Avery’s classroom, he hears what sounds like a puppy crying in a broom closet. Yick frees Arthur from the closet and the two continue their hour-long quest to find Ms. Avery’s class. There are only two classrooms in the entire building (Ms. Avery’s and Mr. Raditch’s); how hard could it be?!

Ms. Avery is high as a kite, allowing Arthur and Yick to slip in unnoticed. She hasn’t even finished introducing herself yet. “Miiiiiiiiiiizzzzzz… Av… er… eey… Aaaaay-verrrrr-eeeey. Miiiiizzzz. Wow, that sounds really funny. Does my hand look big to anyone else?”  Ms. Avery is the “cool” English teacher, who would probably be played by Drew Barrymore or something if this had any production value whatsoever. You know, the teacher that every girl has a lesbian crush on. Is that a thing? I don’t know.

Eventually, Ms. Avery calls roll, including a few curiosities– particularly a “Stacy Farrell,” sitting in the front row, who appears to be either Heather or Erica Farrell. Or could it be the long-lost Farrell triplet? Who knows.

Stephanie and Voula mutually agree that Stephanie should run for class president, since she’s popular and cares about school issues. Oh yeah, and she has boobies. That’s basically her running platform.

Move over, Heather and Erica. There’s a new set of twins in town.

Voula helps Stephanie write a speech and make posters. Steph actually gives a great speech outside the school, demanding more information about family planning, current events, and– whoah, wait! I think I see London!… or France?…

Voula, who in this scene is dressed like Whistler’s Mother, gets pretty pissed when Stephanie doesn’t credit her for her speech writing. To be fair, Stephanie’s hooters did most of the talking. And out of nowhere, middle school rock star Snake and his acid-washed capri pants take the stage.

Stephanie’s presidential campaign takes a slutty turn when she promises kisses in return for votes. The campaign slogan changes to the ever-catchy “All the way with Stephanie Kaye.” All the guys are howling and cowling and shouting things like “take it off!” Naturally, Wheels is first in line, sneaking a peak at Steph’s funbags.

And they’re off! Every boy in school swaps spit with Steph, which apparently, Rainbow Brite’s crackhead cousin finds utterly depressing.

Hey, remember when Wheels looked like a lesbian? Now, my favorite line in the entire episode, courtesy of Wheels:

“I wanna see Steph in a bikini… without a bikini.”

Long story short, Stephanie wins the election, and Voula gets pissed that Steph doesn’t give her any credit. Joey wears a shirt that says “100% muscle” despite the fact that his brain in fact 100% air. Once she wins, Stephanie gets harassed by vice prez Susie Rivera, who apparently takes student council very seriously. I mean, what do they even do?! When I was in high school, our student council did some fundraiser where they played Hanson’s MMMBop over the intercoms during every break. Don’t ask me how that raised money. Student council is absolutely worthless, no matter where in the world you live.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Voula gets pissed so she throws away the bracelets that Stephanie gave her as a gift. Welp, that was sure a long-lasting friendship. One whole episode. That’s ok, their friendship didn’t make sense anyway–hanging out with Voula is about as delightful as accidentally dropping your phone in the toilet.

AWKWARD FREEZE FRAME. In short, Stephanie enslaves Arthur as her speech-writer in exchange for “protection.” Hell yeah! Slut power!

What a great pilot episode. Usually, pilot episodes lack the production quality of the remainder of the episodes, but since every episode of Degrassi is crap, this episode was almost good. I really enjoyed watching Stephanie transform into a “lady of the night.”  It reminds me of my middle school days, back when I used to curse a lot. Man, I used to be really cool. What happened?

The only thing that would’ve made this episode better is if Arthur had stayed trapped in the broom closet forever. I think Stephanie would have been a lot more liberal with her wardrobe if her little brother weren’t around.

There were a lot of great honkers in this episode. I’ve long heard that Canadians drink their milk out of bags. Now I understand. Oh, and hey–if this is the first Degrassi Junior High you’ve ever read, you’ve got a lot to look forward to. Middle school sluts, preteen pregnancy, epilepsy–it’s gonna be a fun ride, folks! Goodnight!