Wheels is planning to get laid! Hell yeah! Also, Yick and Arthur lay plans to watch the best porno ever, “Swamp Sex Robots.”
Season 1 Episode 7
Original Airdate: March 1, 1987
Well, I just finished the new Degrassi: Next Class season on Netflix (that’s the 21st season of Degrassi if you count across the whole franchise) and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. It didn’t totally suck. Of course the season ends like nearly every season of Degrassi does, with a disastrous school dance, so it’s a true return to form after the disaster that was seasons 10-13. Particularly I like the return to more immature issues like Shay’s parents not letting her date or that pink haired chick finding out that people masturbate, because those are the founding issues Degrassi is based on. And Coach Armstrong is still on there too. I guess he never found anything better to do.
ANYWAY, BACK TO THIS SHIT SHOW.
Joey Jeremiah re-introduces himself to Stephanie Kaye as “Joey D. Jeremiah, D. for doctor.” He wants to “operate” on her body. Steph gives him the cold shoulder (literally — her left shoulder is exposed to the elements) and heads for a REAL man, Derek “Wheels” Wheeler. She asks Wheels to VCR and chill. Score 1 for Stephanie! You might remember their last date went poorly when she drank a whole bottle of Kahlua and yakked.
After the theme song, Stephanie is headed back to her lair (the women’s bathroom) when she’s spotted by Voula, who’s dressed like she’s been getting ready for a Renaissance fair, apparently. Also in the background is poor shy Michelle, who doesn’t get any lines until season 2. Anyway, Voula gives Stephanie shit for something that destroyed their friendship SIX EPISODES AGO. Let it go, Voula.
In Grade 7 Land, finally we get a good dweeby subplot. Usually this pair are up to stupid hijinx that aren’t worth mentioning, but in Best Laid Plans, they are making their own best laid plans to watch the most magnificent adult video tape of all time, Swamp Sex Robots. Holy crap! I don’t think I could come up with a better name for a porno if I tried. Yick stole the tape from his brother but they need a VCR to play it on, hence the planning they must do.
It’s so hot it’ll fry your eyeballs. – Yick, on Swamp Sex Robots
Side Note: Degrassi Junior High tries to pass itself off as an American show sometimes, hence Arthur’s Cubs shirt. The set dressers must have a directive to stick him in any American sports shirts they can get their hands on. The proof? He wears shirts for both the Lakers and the Clippers. They’re rivals. You gotta pick one or the other. Nice try though, Canada.
Stephanie brags to the Farrell twins about doing the hibbety-dibbety with Wheels on Friday night, all the while changing from her “lady of the night” clothes back into whatever a 1950s schoolteacher would probably wear. She tells them she’s “going to wear something so sexy, Wheels’s tongue will hang out.”
If Arthur and Yick need a VCR so badly, why don’t they rent one from this place next to Mrs. Kaye’s pharmacy?? Degrassi defies all logic from here until forever. Anyway, Steph meets her mom at the pharmacy and overhears a man on the phone asking her mom on a date to an Italian restaurant on Friday (that’s innuendo for doing butt stuff). Stephanie is totally cool with that because it means her mom won’t be home on Friday so Wheels can come over and give her that hot beef injection. Hell yeah, these best laid plans are coming through nicely!
Yick finally finds out that Stephanie Kaye is Arthur’s sister. It took me a while to figure out that Stephanie took her mom’s last name (Kaye) and Arthur took his dad’s (Kobalewsky), so that’s how no one knows they’re related. When Arthur confronts Stephanie about this again, she gets embarrassed and angry and tells Arthur to piss off.
In the library, Heather and Erica ask Stephanie if she’s going to let Wheels get in dat ass. Heather of course is more hesitant and Erica calls her a prude. This happens in every episode; don’t expect anything different until season 4. Anyway, Stephanie tells the twins that she’s going to let Wheels ride her like a horse. Shwing! Shane and Chubby Chinese Kid overhear this and bring the good news to the boys’ bathroom.
Chubby Chinese kid makes a penis-rubbing motion in the air to signify that Wheels is gonna get his dick touched. Wheels looks a little skeptical. Maybe he’s worried he hasn’t made his Best Laid Plans yet. Oooh yeah, episode title! Out of everyone, Shane is the most interested. He starts a chant of “all the way with Stephanie Kaye,” a flashback to episode 1, where Stephanie uses the phrase as a kinky campaign slogan. Joey calls Wheels a “sex machine” but reminds him that he needs protection before a night of boning.
Arthur’s been taking a dump for the last 30 minutes and overhears the whole thing. In fact, by this point the entire school is speculating about Wheels and Stephanie thumping thighs. The female equivalents of Yick and Arthur, Melanie and Kathleen, discuss the grade 8s’ sexual habits: Kathleen is more conservative and thinks they should save their virginities till marriage, but Melanie is more open-minded and frankly a little turned on just thinking about Wheels putting his ranch dressing in Stephanie’s Hidden Valley.
Wheels asks his dad when he first joined the six-inch-deep club, and his dad gets mildly upset and tells him that there are more important things in life than the poon. Likewise, Stephanie asks her mom the same question and her disgusting Canadian gruel falls off her fork in disgust.
Voula confronts Stephanie in the locker room after overhearing the entire school talking about Wheels and Steph crushing buns. Stephanie acts a little hesitant and Voula implies that Stephanie is just letting Wheels stick his pepperoni in her sausage wallet because she wants Wheels to like her. Way to go, Voula, continuing that ages-old stereotype that women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex. Can you move to Alberta already?!
Joey helps Wheels pick out condoms for the big night. Joey knows all about condoms for some reason, which is stupid because in season 2 he acts like he’s never bought condoms before. Anyway the point of this scene is to show you that Wheels buys condoms from Stephanie’s mom, the pharmacist.
The broomheads have the perfect setup: Arthur’s mom will be gone on a date, his sister will be battering Wheels’s corn dog, and he and Yick have selected the perfect pornographic video tape to polish their pork swords to. Yick’s 13-year-old hormones are running so wild he does a heel click in the air.
Kids today have it so easy, man. The first problem these late-80s kids have is that hardly anybody owns a VCR (see also: Bottled Up). The second thing is that these tapes are pretty rare, so if you’re the eldest sibling, I don’t know where you’re supposed to steal them from. And third, the VCR is almost always in the living room because people didn’t have 20 different screens in their homes like they do now. If you were lucky in the 1980s, you maybe saw one or two pornos in junior high. Nowadays, kids can watch the most horrific shit imaginable with the click of a button on their iPhones while at a restaurant or on the toilet or whatever.
And when you wanted to get information about sex on your own, you had to read embarrassing pamphlets like “Teen Sex: How To Say No.” Wheels is into it, though. Mrs. Kaye gives Arthur and Stephanie the same pamphlets at home, and Arthur rejects them, saying, “don’t worry, mom. I’m not sexually active.” No shit.
Steph is getting ready for her big date. HOLY HOCKEY STICKS, WHAT IS SHE WEARING? She looks like one of my most busted-ass Barbie dolls I had as a kid. You know the ones, where their hair gets all ratty and they’re wearing the bare minimum of tiny doll clothes. That’s Steph in a nutshell. However, she can’t let her mom see her dressed like an ultra skanky Malibu Barbie, so she wears a bathrobe any time she has to leave her room.
So far, excitement has been building for Wheels to finally stuff Stephanie’s muffin and for Arthur and Yick to enjoy a fine evening beating off to pornography. Those hopes are all dashed when Mrs. Kaye’s date and Wheels show up at the door with the exact same flowers. Stephanie comes downstairs dressed like a neon pink hooker so Mrs. Kaye gives her and Wheels both a lecture about being sexually active. Meanwhile, hoards of horny 13-year-olds show up at the door to watch Swamp Sex Robots, and Arthur gets in trouble too.
AWKWARD FREEZE FRAME
Stephanie gets grounded for 2 weeks. Wheels decides not to pursue Stephanie anymore. Stephanie and Voula make up. That ending sucked. But the episode on the whole was grade A material. If Stephanie and Wheels had done the dirty deed, that would’ve made for an A+ episode. Yick and Arthur’s plot to watch Swamp Sex Robots on a videotape cassette was fascinatingly retro, but brilliantly executed. It will surely become a timeless story for generations of kids trying to jerk the gherkin to sci-fi porno.
What I learned in this episode: Getting laid takes a lot of planning, apparently.