L.D. is afraid of hospitals. Melanie is afraid of snakes. I’m afraid this episode is terrible.
Season 1 Episode 8
Original Airdate: March 8, 1987
At home, L.D. is hanging out with her dad and his assistant, but her dad wants her to stop bothering them and go clean the kitchen. L.D. lives in an auto shop, which explains why her hair is so greasy. Her dad suggests she “grow up into a lady” in a Canadian accent that’s so strong it sounds like a parody of a Canadian accent. Then he laughs so hard he has a heart attack.
Voula, Spike, and L.D. are working on a map project where they’ll have to go to the hospital. L.D. mentions that she is afraid of hospitals at least twice. This is inconvenient because her dad is probably dying in the hospital right now. In the sub-subplot Melanie has hungry eyes for Snake.
Susie berates Arthur and Rick for losing the school’s king cobra, Amadeus. Melanie is instantly put into anaphylactic shock just thinking about a highly venomous snake wandering the halls of Degrassi.
This is Spike’s first speaking episode, and for good reason: she is a terrible actor. She and Voula bitch about how L.D. always flakes on group projects and how they have to do all the work, and how L.D. is so nasty she makes Speed Stick slow down. L.D. ditches Spike and Voula to hang out at the garage (and clean the kitchen maybe?). Grease Monkey Jeff explains that L.D.’s dad is in the hospital and that she should go visit him. This part is pretty boring, I just wanted to point out that Jeff is played by the same actor who later plays Mr. Perino, the “cool” English teacher, in about 14 seasons of Degrassi: TNG and Next Class.
L.D. starts packing up random crap to take to her dad in the hospital, when her mom’s ghost starts talking to her. The ghostly narrator reveals that L.D.’s mom died in a hospital when she was a kid, so that’s why she is afraid of hospitals.
Lorraine… I need you to do one last thing for me… Go downstairs and clean the kitchen so my soul can be laid to rest – L.D.’s dead mom’s ghost
Spike and Voula are pretty pissed that L.D. hasn’t shown up at this point, so they phone L.D. in the school office. “I got shit to do,” says L.D. abruptly, not bothering to mention that her dad’s in the hospital.
Meanwhile in the stupid B-plot, inseparable dweebs for life Yick and Arthur make an announcement over the school’s intercom that the school’s king cobra has escaped and it is out for revenge. It didn’t like being cooped up in a terrarium all day, so now it’s cruising the halls and biting people’s feet. It even has a tiny, adorable Walkman so it can listen to Debbie Gibson. I guess Amadeus is a girl. Melanie takes the appropriate safety precautions and dons an elf costume with big stupid snow boots.
Here the top Degrassians demonstrate their athletic dexterity. The girl on the left does a glorious backbend and a flip. Spike bends her torso at a 30-degree angle.
Voula and Spike call L.D. out for being a no-show yesterday, and she finally reveals that her dad is in the hospital and lies about going to visit him. In this scene Voula doesn’t look too bad with her glasses off. That is the only time I will ever compliment Voula.
L.D. goes back to the auto shop to hang out with Jeff. For some reason she asks him what it’s like to live alone and he answers, “It’s awesome! I never wear pants, and I shit with the door open. By the way, you should visit your dying dad in the hospital. Oh, and can you clean the damn kitchen already? Thanks.” L.D. goes to the hospital but she gets freaked out seeing all the blood and pus flying everywhere because it reminds her of the time her mom spontaneously combusted and died so she bails.
Arthur devises a plan to set a trap in the boiler room because snakes are cold blooded and attracted to warmth. Yick is eating a big stack of bologna for no reason whatsoever.
This is the first appearance of the Degrassi boiler room, and right now it’s only about 33% hot. When it gets to 100%, that’s when intense stuff happens like hot teen sex and a literally hot fire that burns the school down. Just you wait.
Alex and his nerd squad cash in on Melanie’s obsessive fear of Amadeus the king cobra by dangling a rubber snake over her ultra-complicated school schedule. Melanie screams “SNAKE!” and Snake turns around and says, “huh?” Great joke, Degrassi writers.
Voula raises money to buy L.D. some shampoo. Stephanie Kaye is looking fine in this scene, with her 80s bangles and an awesome pearl bolo tie. People always like to point out that Stephanie is missing a tooth but I never noticed it till now because this show is so small and blurry. AJ mentions it on AJ’s Degrassi Universe, simultaneously the best and most outdated resource on Degrassi Junior High. There’s even a song about Stephanie’s Tooth and at least 142 people bothered to listen to it. Maybe I didn’t notice it because my canine teeth didn’t come in till 10th grade either. No one complained about my cuspids like the idiots on the stupid Degrassi Wikia though. They will nitpick absolutely every detail about this show.
Voula and Spike take flowers to Mr. Delacourte in the hospital, where he reveals that L.D. hasn’t come to visit him. Voula and Spike wonder what the hell she’s been doing, since she hasn’t contributed to their group project at all. She sure as hell isn’t cleaning the kitchen though, I know that for damn sure.
Arthur and Yick manage to catch a rubber snake in their stupid booby trap. The B-Plot is so stupid. The A-Plot is stupid too, though. L.D. tries to go to the hospital again but she’s too scared so she cries in the gym.
Here you can see Melanie’s whole snake-protectant-elf-suit in full form. It makes no sense whatsoever. Anyway, it turns out the king cobra was in someone’s purse the whole time. It just wanted to be one of those little purse chihuahuas like Paris Hilton used to carry around. I don’t blame Amadeus. Honestly, purses are the best. They’re full of super cool stuff, like makeup and snacks.
Arthur puts the king cobra around his neck and dances like Britney in “I’m a Slave 4 U.” Amadeus gets pissed and bites Alex right on the eyeball. Then the snake constricts Arthur’s neck until his head pops like a balloon. Oh wait, that’s the alternate version I wrote in my head. Sorry.
L.D. finally works up the nerve to go to the hospital, but her old man has already croaked. Great job, L.D., you were too late. L.D. finally takes her disgusting hat off and says a prayer for her dead dad. Out of nowhere, her not-dead-dad surprises her with not being dead after all. He just had angina, which sounds super gross.
Put that cap back on. Your hair looks so greasy, we could start our own oil company. Speaking of which, have you cleaned the kitchen yet? It better not be fucking disgusting when we get home. – L.D.’s dad, on L.D.
AWKWARD FREEZE FRAME
This was not a good episode. Basically nothing happened in the A-Plot: L.D.’s dad went to the hospital and left 1 day later, and L.D. flaked on a group project to do God knows what. The B-Plot was a little better but because Arthur was in it, you know it can’t be any greater than a D- episode.
What I learned: L.D. is afraid of hospitals and this will bite her in the ass later in the series.