Degrassi Junior High: 212 “He’s Back…”

He’s baaaaaaack! Who is he, you may ask? WHY, IT’S MR. COLBY, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE PEDOPHILIC SUBSTITUTE TEACHER!

Season 2 Episode 12
Original Airdate: March 21, 1988

Lucy is having a h0t dream about Mr. Colby up the Degrassi Junior High theme song abruptly wakes her up.

The kids of Degrassi are winding down another schoolyear. Caitlin, Susie, and some other nobodies are working on the yearbook, while Alex pitches several unsuccessful fundraising ideas to them. No middle schooler is going to pay for a shoe shine. What are you, 65?

Animosity rises between Susie and Lucy over who is the better black chick at Degrassi. Just kidding, Susie is pissed at Lucy because she hasn’t turned in her yearbook pictures. Lucy keeps blowing them off because she’s cool. She’s obviously winning the contest, considering there’s only two black gals at Degrassi and Susie is super lame.

Ms. Avery is out sick, which means the grade 7s will have a substitute teacher. The cruel creatures that they are, they plot pranks against the substitute. Maya “Wheelchair girl” Mayavitch is all, “Let’s put tacks in his chair!” And then the Neanderthal to her left is all, “Hell yeah!” Except that part didn’t really happen. Instead, we just get more awkward dialogue between Melanie and Kathleen about how handsome Mr. Colby is. It’s enough to make anyone cringe. I mean, besides being a pedophile, he’s STILL not even remotely cute.

Damn, that’s a bad painting. Lucy is helping baby sit kids after school, or something. Susie picks up her little sister, Billy Jean, and bothers Lucy once more about getting her yearbook pictures in on time. This episode would be 90% better if a cat fight had ensued between them and they knocked over a whole bunch of little kids.

It’s Diane! And some chick named Vicky! Who gives a shit about these two, where is Mr. Colby?!

There he is, telling dirty jokes to the librarian. She squeals with excitement, alerting Wheels’s PedoSenses. He and L.D. try to get Lucy to confess Mr. Colby’s pedophilism to the principal, but she contends that nothing happened between them.

Mr. Colby claims his next victim, the vulnerable Susie. Lucy bravely intrudes at exactly the right moment and interrupts them, but Colby gets pissed and chases Lucy throughout the school.

Finally, Colby corners Lucy in the gym. In the creepiest tone possible, Colby explains that he was just “trying to help.” He claims that nothing happened between them, that it was Lucy’s imagination, and so on– essentially, he pulls all the stops in the pedophile book.

Lucy manages to escape, but the next day, Colby is back to his usual self. Lucy and L.D. spot him seductively squeezing Susie’s shoulder. Lucy looks on jealously.

Could they really not buy that Mr. Colby guy more than one sweater? That is exactly the same sweater he wore in the last episode. Damn, Degrassi is cheap.

Daaaaaamn, this is even creepier than when he touched Lucy. He keeps saying stuff like, “Relax, you’re so tense. I’m here to help you.” Any normal kid would get up and–

–flee. Susie gets the hell out of the classroom, thereby cockblocking Mr. Colby once again.

Susie and Lucy bond over being molested by an old white dude.

In a totally unrelated scene, Wheels artfully dodges the swift mop and screeching howl of Louella, the crazy janitor.

Alex proposes another terrible idea to Caitlin, and she finally tells him to piss off.

“Just do what the student council did last year.”
“What did the student council do last year?”
“They asked Doris for more money.”

AWKWARD FREEZE FRAME

The Degrassi producers avert having to cast someone to play Mr. Lawrence once again by freeze-framing right before they enter the principal’s office. I guess we’re just supposed to assume they get Mr. Colby fired?! Come on, can’t we get a little taste of revenge?

I don’t know why they have to address pedophiles three times in this series (just wait, there’s one more after Mr. Colby!). Other more common issues, like marijuana, have a single episode buried somewhere in the high school series. Whatever, it was a good run. The guy that played Mr. Colby was really convincing, probably because he was an actual pedophile in real life. I can just imagine that guy showing up on set and making crude jokes like, “So, who do I get to molest today? Ha ha ha!”

Don’t blame me, blame these two, Yan Moore and Linda Schuyler, writer and producer of Degrassi, respectively. Damn, those are some big glasses. Too bad they couldn’t use them to see the problems with the script.