Degrassi Minis – Season 10

Starting with the fifth season, Degrassi Studios would post short little mini episodes online to compliment the season. Sometimes they were extra scenes that added to a storyline. But I was never sure if those were canon because a lot of the minis were parodies of other shows or “what ifs” that took place in another universe.

I recapped the minis back in the day for seasons 5-7 and then it seemed like there were no more because I couldn’t find them. But they kept making more each season and recently added them to Degrassi Studios’s new Youtube account, epitomedegrassi. Of course this means I have a backlog of things to snark on. I’ll start with the ones from season 10 and work back.

Monster Moon | Love Is… | Unstoppable

“Monster Moon”

This fucking thing made no sense. It’s a series of 30 second clips about a night of the school Halloween party. The full moon turns some people into monsters but not others or something.

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Part 1

The full moon turns Sav into a werewolf who attacks Anya. It transforms White Connor into Holly J. At first I thought he had been turned into Rick.

Part 2

Eli is dressed as a vampire. Clare is a zombie who bites his neck, and lots of blood spews forth. All this does is make Eli horny. I don’t know if Eli is a real vampire or just in a costume. Either way he likes aggressive foreplay. Meanwhile, there is someone dressed like Jason holding an axe.

Part 3

It appears that the Jason is about to kill Zane, who is dressed as a gladiator. But Zane just yanks the mask off, revealing Riley. Zane chews Riley out for not dressing like a gladiator like they planned. Now Zane is going to look like an idiot because who goes to a haunted school Halloween party as a lone gladiator? FFS Riley, get your head in the game. Riley keeps his head down and apologizes several times, which tells you who the pitcher is and who the catcher is in that relationship.

Fiona appears as a scary mime and the boys run away.

Part 4

Fiona is dressed as a mime. Drew is just in a dress shirt. Maybe his costume is office worker. Fiona says this party is boring and she once attended a private school in Belgium that flew the entire student body to Transylvania for Halloween. The writer is making fun of Fiona, but she acts like this in the show too. Fiona stabs Drew and begins to eat his dead body. Notice she uses a knife and fork because Fiona isn’t going to consume human flesh with her hands like a philistine.

That’s what happens when there is a Monster Moon.


“Love Is…”

Four 47-second monologues. This was a Valentine’s Day special.

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Part 1 – Fiona

In gym class, Fiona tells us about a time when she was 14 and her mom took her to buy dresses in Paris. There was one dress that she thought was odd but turned out to be a perfect for her. This is when the camera moves away. The camera guy doesn’t want to listen to her spoiled rich girl stories.

Fiona catches up with the camera and explains that her dress story was just an analogy about how after always going for the wrong guy, such as abusers or her brother (she seriously said that), perhaps Adam might be perfect for her. Adam has worked hard to be treated as a man; I don’t think he’ll want to hear himself compared to a French dress.

Suddenly, a ball hits her. Which will never happened when she is with Adam! Badun-ching!

Part 2 – Adam

Adam tells us how thinking about Fiona makes him feel warm and fuzzy and gives him phantom erections. He had a dream where he was on a date with Fiona and she didn’t care that he is transgender and then he whipped out his 12 incher and banged her all night.

Man, I hope Adam will be in season 13 because I have a notebook full of penis jokes I’m waiting to use. Every time I think of a new one, I giggle uncontrollably for thirty minutes straight. It makes it hard to go to the grocery store because when I go by the bananas, I get inspired and cause a scene.

Part 3 – Anya

Anya swoons about Dr. Dorian. “Having a crush on your mother’s cancer doctor isn’t such a bad thing,” Anya asks, “is it?” It is if you hope she relapses so you can see more of him. You know when Anya’s mom was given the all clear by her doctor, Anya was a little disappointed.

Part 4 – Mini-Connor

Mini-Connor tells us that, sure, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but that just means he can “play the field” i.e. watch girls in the hallway and masturbate to them when he gets home. He then runs off to get to a sleepover with Connor and White Connor. The Three Connors love each other like no woman could. It’s what love is.


“Unstoppable”

This is a four part series about the cheer team. Each part is around two minutes long, but still managed to tell a more cohesive story than an average Degrassi episode.

Part 1

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The Ultimate Cheer Battle is tomorrow and Chante the captain and Anya are stressed because most of the Power Squad is sick with mono and the only girls left are the ones who aren’t good enough cheerleaders to hook up with boy who’ll give them an STD. Chante says the squad hasn’t been through this big a crisis since Paige’s broken leg, back in season 4. Anya wouldn’t know who Paige is. Nor would any student but Chante. OK, I got it now. Chante is an immortal vampire who switches schools whenever she has been at one too long, ala Twilight. She finally left Degrassi at the end of this season and enrolled in a middle school in Vancouver.

Anyway, Chante and Anya need to find four girls so the squad will be eligible for the competition.

Part 2 2

Chante and Anya approach Holly J. Hey, remember that Holly J used to be on Power Squad? She was the captain, but deposed after backstabbing Mia on the TV news. God, isn’t it kind of sad that I immediately remembered that? I have wasted too much of my brain space to recalling Degrassi facts. I could be someone who can identify the exact species of a bird anywhere in the world just by hearing it sing. Instead, I can name every girl who was kicked off the cheer team on a Canadian soap opera and what episode it was. Fuck me.

Anyway, Holly J, ever the studious one, reminds the girls that they cannot put together a new team only a day before the competition only girls who have been registered beforehand will be allowed to compete. “There are rules and regulations,” Holly J says. How is Holly J familiar with the rules to an organization she has no part of? She was probably up all night reading the Ultimate Cheer Battle Association rulebook. Holly J seems like someone who could get off reading a rulebook. Man, now I’m imagining her doing that and it’s hot.

Anya and Chante say this is no problem. Holly J will compete under the name Roshada Jones.

They want Bianca to stand in for Cindy O’Toole. “That girl that smells like soap?” Bianca sneers. Wait, that’s a bad thing to smell like? Soap? Bianca will do it in exchange for 10% of the $5000 prize money, which I would assume is all supposed to go back into the school.

Next, they go to Clare and ask her to be Erica Chan. Clare is a bit confused as to how they expect her to pretend to be someone with the last name Chan. Don’t worry, the name was originally O’Chanahan and her great-grandfather changed it do to racism against the Irish. It’s a little known fact that the St. Patrick’s Day parade originated as an anti-Gaelic festival. Once a year, all the Irish would be rounded up and forced to march through downtown, where Protestant spectators threw potatoes at them. But sometime in the ‘50s, the Irish took it over and turned into a pride march. They re-appropriated it like blacks did with the word “nigger”.

Anya and Chante remind Clare that she is a “Power Squad legacy” due to her older sister. Clare is guilted into doing this to honor Darcy’s memory.

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Finally, they ask Fiona to replace Zhaba Zigelstein. God, that’s an even Jewier name than Golda Kikestein. It sounds weird too, like Zhaba must be one of those Jews born in Israel who left do to antisemitism. Usually, they change their names to something normal sounding when they move here. Like how Natalie Portman’s real name is Schlomo Bankerwitz. Fiona is the only recruit who doesn’t need any coaxing. She is happy to do this because she likes the sequined cheer uniforms. No, that is her actual reason.

Part 3

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The new squad’s practice session is going perfectly. Anya and Chante are impressed by how quickly the new girls nailed the routine. Clare and Holly express how much they love being cheerleaders and Fiona gushes that she feels like they are all sisters. The squad shares a group hug. Their periods must have synched up.

They are going to start killing each other in five minutes.

That last scene didn’t happen. It took place in Chante’s dream. She was sleeping on a bleacher while the white girls were working. Way to break that black stereotype, Chante.

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In reality, the squad is fighting. Bianca has Holly J in a headlock. Chante is pissed and tells them:

“I picked you guys because I thought that you were all unstoppable. But all you are is…stoppable.”

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Give her a break, she just woke up. Chante walks out and the squad goes back to arguing. Except Fiona, who is oblivious to the fight and fixes her lipstick. She has to look her best when Holly J is in the room.

Part 4

7

The Ultimate Cheer Battle is on! Power Squad is intimidated by the team that is performing before them. You can tell these are the bad guys because their uniforms are black, like Team Iceland in Mighty Ducks 2. That team screws up their routine which makes Power Squad is more confident they can win. Then Clare has to be wet blanket, of course, and say they still don’t have a chance because their practice was terrible.

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Because of Clare, Chante has to rally her squad with a pep talk about how they worked hard. “You tell ’em sister,” pipes in Anya and follows Chante’s next line with an “umm…hmm” like a black women would. Anya is being a bitchy little racist. Chante gets the girls to chant “Unstoppable!” and they go out there!

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Power Squad is awesome. I mean, the girls whose names we know just sway their hips and arms, but the extras do fucking back flips. I remembering reading that the extras were real cheerleaders or gymnasts or something. The routine ends with some pyramids.  Holly J is on top, as she deserves to be. We don’t know if Power Squad won, but it doesn’t matter because they were a team and they were unstoppable.

Final Thoughts:

Considering that these minis together are, like, ten minutes total, I’ve already written more than I should. But I want to add that seeing Holly J again was a real joy. She is the only character who left Degrassi that I miss. Like, OK, Spinner is my favorite of all time, but the dude was on the show far longer than was appropriate. He ended up being a 24-year-old man whose only friends were a bunch of 16-year-olds, like a dirtbag. God damn it, Gavin. Holly J, on the other hand, joined in season 7, which was that weird period when the producers had to bring on a bunch of new students to fill the school, but weren’t willing to let go of the original kids, so there were approximately 300 people in the cast and Holly J didn’t get much attention until she was nearing graduation. She was my favorite character of that era and I wanted more of her. Partly because every other character was kind of annoying.

I still maintain that it would have been a better idea to cancel Degrassi and focus on a spinoff where Spinner, Holly J and Spinner’s daughter work at the Dot during the day and solve mysteries at night. Call it Degrassi Mystery Hour.