Degrassi Minis – Season 8

These are the mini web episodes that were produced during season 8 of Degrassi. They can be seen at youtube.com/epitomedegrassi.

If Jay Can’t Be Happy | What If Peter Made a Movie? | Pirates of the Cafeteribbean | Curse of Degrassi | What If Craig Married Ashley?

“If Jay Can’t Be Happy”

ifjaycantbehappy

Part 1

Jay arrives at the Dot in a bad mood. Spinner tries to lift him up with Christmas cheer. Spinner sports a white Santa beard. That’s not a prop, that’s his natural hair. Jay is peeved because he is on the outs with Manny. I was always confused as to what was the deal with them was, because at first they pretended to be engaged to fool her parents, but somewhere down the line they were really engaged. I think the writers forgot the engagement was fake.

Spinner tells Jay to call Manny, and Jay does because Spinner gave him an order. But Manny is on the rag, so squawks at him and hangs up.

Now Jay feels worse. The only way he can feel better is to make someone else miserable. He pulls out a bag of magic dust and spays it in Jane’s direction.

Jane is mad at Spinner. He gave her a card for their six-month anniversary. But they have actually been together for almost a year. What probably happened was Jane thought they had been a couple for almost a year, but Spinner didn’t really decide to commit to her until six months ago.

Jane yells at Spinner while Jay laughs it up. Jane says she would pour her ice cream float on Spinner’s head, but it’s delicious. Spinner makes an irresistible ice cream float.

Now Spinner is miserable. Jay tells him that he can feel better by bringing someone else down. They target Holly J.

Part 2

Holly J, who is a waitress at the Dot, talks to Blue, the boy she has a crush on. Blue was a minor character who disappeared when Holly found someone else. I once read a fan theory that Blue only existed in Holly J’s imagination. That makes sense because Holly J was the only one who ever interacted with him. She was so lonely for a boy who loved her that she manifested him A Beautiful Mind style.

Blue is studying rap for his music theory class. Holly J doesn’t know anything about rap because she is a proud European, but Jay sprays his magic and Holly J starts rapping. The lyrics are as follows:

“Yo, my name is Holly J.
and you gots to be told
when it gets into the winter months, it starts to get cold
but luckily for everyone, you will not shed a tear
’cause coming round the corner is some holiday cheer
gotta be hardcore, hardcore, hardcore
when you’re standing under mistletoe that hangs above the door
do I have to make this clear
should I write it in a note?
just put your arms around me
stick your tongue into my throat
booyah”

Holly J is embarrassed and Blue has to leave. You ask me, her rap was still better than anything by Lil’ Wayne. I’m offended whenever I see him on TV. That fucker is too ugly to be allowed on TV. The FCC needs to do something.

Jay and Spinner bring Holly J into their sad circle. They will go after Sav next.

Part 3

Sav and Anya have broken up, but Sav brought her gifts to get her back. Jay lets Holly spray dust in their direction, which sabotages the presents. The first gift Anya pulls out is a pair of large granny panties. Sav could have saved himself by saying it’s a symbol of how he will love her even when she grows old and her underwear gets bigger. But the next gift is a vibrator. Sav has an interesting kink. Anya walks out.

Now Sav is in the club and they set their sights on Peter and Mia.

Part 4

Mia feeds Peter French fries. Sav sprays the dust, but it has no effect, because Peter has Mia under this thumb too strongly. He has a talent for being able to keep a girl no matter how shitting he treats her. It explains why Mia, who is on her way to becoming a professional model, is setting herself so low.

KC and Clare have been watching this whole thing and explain to Jay that the holidays are about love and sharing and pixie dust can’t change that. Jay objects to calling what he has a sissy word like “pixie” dust. The freshmen tell them that Spinner, Holly J and Sav can save their relationships with a phone call. And they all do. Then KC and Clare leave to go make out.

Jay has never met KC and Clare, so probably thinks they are magic Christmas elves. If Christmas elves offer you advice on Christmas, you had best take it, so Jay calls Manny again to say he loves her.

—–

I like that Jay pointed out that Degrassi never has snow.


“What If Peter Made a Movie?”

peter

Peter has made a movie about Degrassi called High School Hero. He is dressed like a Hollywood douchebag now, which is different from his normal non-Hollywood douchebag look. Emma and Manny are both all over him because they are gold diggers. There is a press conference on the school steps. All the reporters you see here really would come to a high school kid’s movie premiere in Canada. Canada is insecure because they never put a man on the Moon, so they treat any citizen who is even a minor celebrity like royalty. I live on the border, so I get a bunch of Canadian channels and the Degrassi kids are on their mornings show, like, every other day.

The screening is in the auditorium. Peter doesn’t want to watch it because he is an artist. So he waits outside until the movie ends and the audience exits.

Peter expects them all to be amazed, but they are pissed. Manny hates that her character walked around in a thong. Emma hates that her character was turning tricks in the Ravine. Peter replies that stuff all happened in real life, so they shouldn’t be offended. Only Craig liked it, because Craig is such a narcissist that he doesn’t realize how big an asshole he is even when it’s played out in front of him. Craig and Peter have a high five to cement their bond as douchebags.

“No one will ever want to a movie about Degrassi!” Manny shouts. “Are you sure about that?” Peter smirks, and then everyone stares at us through the screen. THEY’RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!!!

—–

Manny’s point still stands. Degrassi could never be a movie. It’s barely a television show.


“Pirates of the Cafeteribbean”

piratesofcaf

Everyone dresses and talks like pirates. Peter made fun of Jane, so Spinner is going to kill him. Spinner and his merry band burst into the caf and several sword fights break out. Spinner looks like Jack Sparrow. The Degrassi writers may be hacks, but they got that match right.

Spinner and Peter duel on a table. Spinner has the upper hand, but then Peter’s dirty henchmen come from behind and grab him like the cheap shot stinky fuckers they are. Now Peter has Jane’s treasure of money and Skittles. But then Jane saves Spinner. And she says something about how a girl can take care of herself. Except Ashley is tied to a support beam and Craig has to rescue her and it’s implied he will rape her.

—–

I’m going to assume this mini is canon and the result of someone spiking the drinking fountains with LSD. Degrassi would be way better if it was a show about teenage pirates. Call it Pirate High. It would be so awesome.


“Curse of Degrassi”

Reviewed by Johnny back in the Boycott the Caf days.


“What If Craig Married Ashley?”

whatif_craigashley

Craig and Ashley play a concert at Degrassi. I bet it’s an anti-drug show to work off their community service. Ashley tells Craig she is pregnant with their son. They kiss. This is the last time Ashley will ever see Craig.