Degrassi Next Class: 1.03 “#YesMeansYes”

Zig and Maya explore consent and condoms and sex! Miles’s brother wants a video game club! Miles meets a freaky-deeky new girl!

———————–

A Plot: Maya and Zig

1

Zig is being whiny and clingy towards Maya, as usual. Maya blows him off to talk to the boy she chose to replace Zig in her band. Zig is jealous, but I think that other boy is gay.

Zacku sits down next to Zig to inform him that seals have multiple sex partners, and compares that to Maya talking to that other boy. That is an odd analogy. Zacku is really into sea mammals. He either wants to become a marine biologist or a dolphin.

Zacku buys several boxes of condoms and gives them to Zig at the Dot. Zacku is taking way too strong an interest in Zig and Maya having sex. Way, way too strong. Zacku bought a wide variety of different sizes and flavors. Of course Zig takes the smallest size.

2

Later, in her bedroom, Zig makes a move on Maya. They start off kissing, but Maya doesn’t want to go any further and has to slap Zig in the eye to get him to back off.

At school, New Alex tells Zig that what he did to Maya was attempted rap. I mean attempted rape. Attempted raps are a different thing entirely.

Zig and Zacku cannot believe this malarkey, but New Alex informs them that Zig needed to get Maya’s express verbal or written permission to move up each base, or else it’s rape. This is called Affirmed Consent, and will be our lesson today, kids. Except New Alex is a lesbian, so probably thinks that peeing while standing up is a form of sexual assault. Which will be if Prime Minister Trudeau gets his way.

Maya’s mom found the condoms Zig left behind, so calls a meeting with Maya and Zig to discuss safe sex. Not only is Maya totally embarrassed to be having this talk with her mother, this is also the first time she learns Zig brought condoms. Zig is definitely not getting any now.

I like how other people keep inserting themselves into Maya and Zig’s relationship to move the story along. Maya and Zig are just along for the ride.

Later, Maya admits to Zig that she fantasies about him at night. That’s gross. Think of someone else. How about one of those boyish lads in The News Direction? Or fantasize about Seth Rogan or Lena Dunham, who are both quite handsome if you are into funny dudes with some belly fat.

3

Maya and Zig end up having sex ask by asking each other for permission each step of the way. The writers must have intended this to be an entertaining way to demonstrate affirmed consent to kids. But I don’t think kids should do anything they see on Degrassi.

B Plot: Miles’s Brother

4

Miles’s brother hates having to play intramural sports because he is no good. Degrassi has an intramural basketball league that is mandatory for students. I thought intramural sports were a college thing. If you have it in high school, and are forced to participate, how is it any different from gym class?

The boy is excited when he scores a basket using an underhand throw. But his joy turns to shame when he is told he threw it in the wrong basket and scored against his own team. Zoë calls him a dickless wonder. Zoë also hit a nerd on her own team in the face with a basketball. Zoë hates people who can’t hack it in recreational basketball.

Miles’s brother’s basketball goof was recorded and is being passed around as an animated .gif meme. That’s a thing kids do now, I guess. He hates it, but his parents think it’s cool he got on the internet. I do too. Oh God, I relate more to the parents than the kids on Degrassi. What the hell is happening to me?

5

Together with some other losers, Miles’s brother wants to form a school video game club as an alternative to basketball. He takes the request to Tristan, the class president. Zoë stands behind Tristan because she wields power behind the throne. Neither understand the gamer lingo he uses. What do you mean by MOBY or LANPARTY or DICKPOINTS?

Tristan and Zoë are not going to approve this club, so Miles’s brother makes an angsty speech about how Tristan sucks because he promised to make the school better for everyone, but won’t let nerds get away with playing video games in school. And what is he supposed to do when he is bad at sports?

“Hit the gym like a normal person,” Zoë snaps and orders him to leave. Zoë is still bitter about the game. If not for him, their team would have won and moved up in the standings that do not exist. Then they could have qualified for the championships, which are not held, for a chance to win a trophy that will never be built. But you know what I like about Zoë? Zoë can wear draw string sweatpants to school and still act like a boss.

Now, I would be fine with a video game club, but Miles’s brother keep calling video games ‘eSports’. That might be appropriate if you are talking about Wii Tennis, but not for most video games, where you sit down and click a mouse over and over. You can’t take a thing that exists in a computer, put an ‘e’ in front of it, and make it equivalent to a real world thing. Trying eating eFood, motherfucker. Though that cat has been out of the bag and running amok ever since we allowed NASCAR to be called a sport.

6

Miles’s brother is desperate to escape intramurals. In the green house (where Cam killed himself and probably haunts), he begs the only girl he can talk to smash his finger with a hammer. The girl does so without hesitation. She dyed her hair some unnatural shade of red, so you know she is crazy. Any girl with weird colors in her hair is always insane. She can’t be bargained with. She can’t be reasoned with. She doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

While he was in the process of being injured, Tristan and the council approved gamer club. Miles’s brother is happy. And hey, his left hand is broken, but he can still use his right hand to masturbate to anime pictures. He thought ahead!

C Plot: Miles

Miles is upset that his dad has returned home. The girl who sits in front of him in English class cuts a lock of her hair then hands Miles the scissors. She then cries that Miles cut a piece of her hair. Miles is like “What the fuck?”, but is holding the scissors, so the teacher gives him detention.

7

The newly reunited Miles Family have dinner. Notice how they always eat by the pool? They live in a mansion, but 90% of what this family does is by the pool. I suppose that is the way to do it if you are wealthy. I am poor, so I have to spend most of my day sitting in the tub.

Anyway, Miles could not attend dinner due to detention, which was that girl’s master plan. She introduces herself to Miles. Her names is Edsel, and she wants to help Miles get rid of his dad.

8

To do so, the two go to his apartment when he is not there to snoop around for something to confirm that he is a bad guy. They are looking for evidence that he is still having an affair. But all they find is an email in which his dad tells his mistress that he wants to get back with his wife.

Why would finding out his dad had an affair even be worth anything? Miles caught his mom riding the cock carousel the same day she got back with her husband. They obviously had some agreement about seeing other people while they were separated. Maybe they reached an accord like the Allies and Germany did at the end of World War I? They could go out and suck and fuck all the penis and pussy and mangina they wanted, right up until the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Then they had to stop—even if they were mid-coitus—observe a moment of silence, and get back together.

Anyway, Miles and Edsel hear the cleaning lady enter and have to hide in a closet. They should have bum rushed the cleaning lady while shouting in Arabic. She would have been too stunned to make an accurate description to police. Instead, they wait in the closet and kiss.

9

So it looks like Miles is going to have to get used to his father being back. To cope, Edsel gives him a pill. Miles should have found out what the pill is and what it can do before he ingested it. Don’t just take strange pills someone hands you, kids. That’s why I have a tail now.

QUESTION & ANSWER PORTION

  1. Why was Zacku so interested in making sure that Zig and Maya have sex?
  2. In this episode, Miles wore pink slacks, while Winston wore aqua green pants and matching shirt (see Fig. 1-A). Which outfit is sillier and why?
Fig. 1-A

Fig. 1-A