Degrassi Next Class: 1.05 “#ButThatsNoneOfMyBusiness”

Maya learns about feminism. Miles learns about drug withdrawals. Pink Hair Girl learns about masturbation.

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A Plot: Pink Hair Girl

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So, PHG brought a vibrator to school thinking it was a neck massager (she liked that it buzzed). Yes, she totally did. This is Degrassi, it goes there! Yes, indeedy. Maya, Zig and Zacku laugh and her friends explain what the device really is. Simpson tells her he has one just like it. It’s one of those inch-long ones that you can stick up someone’s butt while he is asleep and he won’t know what the hell is happening the next morning. Oh, memories of summer camp hi-jinks.

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PHG is totally embarrassed and wears a red wig to school the next day. She wears different colored hair depending on her emotional state. Red is embarrassed, blue is sad, green is envious, purple is happy, black is angry, and pink is constipated.

Time for frank sex talk. Miles’s sister tells PHG that she masturbates in the shower. That would be hot if this was 2005 and Manny said that, but the students today are far too young for me to want to hear any of this. If you were born in the ‘90s, you will never be old enough to do sex. Ever. Stay young and pure. PHG says she has never even touched herself. Good girl.

Then, we see PHG in her restroom. She turns on the shower and takes the shower head off its mount. Oh my, we know where this is going!

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Then, PHG is in the hospital. Kind of a sudden shift in setting. The female doctor (otherwise known as a nurse) gave her a full checkup and says she is perfectly healthy. I mean, physically her health is fine. Her mental health is the problem. PHG says she is broken in her “argolla”, which means “ring” in Spanish. The doctor knows she was referring to her lady bits. PHG also says “Dios mio”. Is PHG Mexican, or does she just like Spanish words? I hate to think that Mexicans have reached Canada. Canada is a nice country and doesn’t deserve that.

Anyway, PHG manages to explain that she tried to fap, but could not reach orgasm—unlike her horny friends. The doctor says this is normal and every girl reacts differently when she does the unspeakable to herself. The doctor shows PHG several Georgia O’Keefe paintings to illustrate the variety in the female anatomy. How does this girl know so little about masturbation? Do they not allow Judy Bloom books in Canada? Not even Superfudge? The doctor gives PHG a pamphlet to help her out. And by the way, I get that the show wants to educate its young viewers. But couldn’t this have been explained by a younger, hotter doctor?

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In Chinese class, PHG reads the pamphlet by hiding it in inside a textbook. The Chinese teacher (I mean that both ways: she teaches a Chinese language class and she is a teacher who is ethnically Chinese) wants to know what PHG is reading and tells her to read it aloud for the class. Why would the teacher assume PHG isn’t reading the textbook? Man, whenever this happens in a high school show it is always something embarrassing. Just once I would like the kid to read off a muffin recipe because he is really into baking. Like, maybe he can’t study baking at home because his family doesn’t have an oven. They are Jewish and ovens bring back painful memories.

Don’t look at me like I am crazy. Last year, there was an Orthodox Jewish family in Brooklyn who didn’t use an oven, but their house caught fire from a hotplate. It was a large family: eight children, enough to start a settlement in the West Bank. But seven of them were killed in the fire. They were Holocausted in their own home!

Anyway, PHG reads off the textbook definition of masturbation in front of the whole class. Degrassi goes there! I did not expect what happens next. The teacher apologizes to PHG for violating her privacy. This school sure has changed in the past ten years. They gave Spinner detention for getting a boner in class, and that was totally natural and outside his control. Too be fair, Spinner’s penis was so powerful that it violated Canadian gun control laws. And it was so big, he wasn’t allowed near horse stables because he made the stallions depressed.

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This story ends with PHG in her bed at night, carefully looking through a collection of Patrick Duffy pictures. She puts her hand down the sheet. We all know what she is about to do to herself. Of course she orgasms. It’s Patrick Duffy.

I mean, PHG masturbates a ton. She really goes at it. She is down there so long her index finger starts to pickle.

B Plot: Miles

Just to remind you jabronis, Miles’s dad used to beat him. His dad moved away for a time, but is back home. This deeply stresses Miles and makes it hard for him to function. To cope, his girlfriend, Edsel, has been feeding him her prescription anxiety pills.

Winston tells Miles he needs to quit the drugs because they are not safe. “Only rugs do drugs,” says Winston, “because they get stepped on.” However, Edsel warns Miles that that if he stops, he will go back to being “a nervous mess.” Miles quits the pills cold turkey, and ends up suffering some wicked withdrawals. He cries while curled up in the fetal position on the floor of his room. He phones Edsel and begs for more pills.

Edsel did not get her prescription refilled, so sneaks Miles into the girls’ locker room to steal another girl’s supply. They find a bottle of pills, but Edsel warns that they contain a higher dosage than he is used to.

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Miles takes them in order to be calm enough to sit next to his father while his family watches his brother play video games in Video Game Club. Degrassi’s club competes with other schools in tournaments. It looks like they are playing something like League of Legends or Dota 2. I think. I don’t care for fighting games. It would be better if they played The Sims 3. They could compete to see who reaches their career goal first and who has the most friends. I love The Sims 3. I downloaded a mod that lets me play as a serial rapist. Nancy Landgraab isn’t so high and mighty anymore.

Miles begins to sweat heavily. Oh no, he’s having hot flashes. Edsel has been passing him Midol! He was in pain when he stopped because that sent his hormone levels all out of whack and gave him menstrual cramps! “Oh God what is happening to me? I feel fat and none of my pants fit. I’ve never felt so awful. My hair hurts.”

Winston tells Miles’s mother about the pills. She takes Miles home to have a talk about becoming a woman. “I don’t understand why I have to have this talk with my son. But Justin Trudeau is prime minister and this is what Canada is aboot now.”

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The next day a school, Miles tells Winston that he has not given up his pill addiction. Also, the two are no longer friend because Winston squealed to Miles’s mom. Miles chose Midol over a boy (which is kind of like a slogan you would have seen on a Hot Topic t-shirt back in 2002).

C Plot: Maya

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Maya and New Alex are alone in a classroom. Suddenly, Isis, the Muslim girl, is standing at the doorway with two girls behind her. The exit is blocked! I think this is going to be bad!

Isis informs them that she has formed a Feminist Club with other man haters. So not what I was expecting. But worse! The club members heard Maya’s stupid song and want her help in their campaign to convert one of the school’s boy’s restrooms into a girl’s. Later, Maya tells New Alex she does not want to join the feminists because, “They get angry over every little thing.” New Alex says she is a feminist. And she certainly does get angry over every little thing!

Maya and New Alex meet Zacku and Zig at the Dot. The boys do not like the threat of the feminists’ restroom annexation. They are feeling like Serbia against Austria-Hungary right now. Zacku points out that currently, Degrassi has five restrooms for boys and five for girls. So it’s even. Maya thinks that is fair. But New Alex says the girls should be given an extra restroom as reparations. She states that boys don’t even use the restroom Feminist Club wants. But Zig admits he goes there to have some privacy. Zig is shy about going into a crowded restroom lest anyone see how small his penis is.

I understand Zig. In college, I had a few out of the way bathrooms to go number 2. Mainly, it was the one next to the laundry room in the dorms. But I also liked the one in the library basement, because I could bring in something to read. That bathroom was great, except it was haunted. What a shit place for a ghost to be. PUN INTENDED!

Anyway, Isis explains to Maya that the issue is about equal access to education. The girl’s rooms have longer lines and girls have weak pussy bladders, so they are forced to spend more time in the restroom and this takes away from their studies. And makes them late for class, which gets them detention. This is called the school-to-prison pipeline. Or poopline.

I disagree with Isis for two reasons:

  1. Girl’s restrooms are never crowded in Degrassi. I have been scoping out the girl’s rooms in this school for years, and there are never more than four people in at a time. Two friends will often use it as a space to speak privately. Paige used to hold court in the restroom.
  2. Let’s say Isis is correct and the girl’s rooms are too crowded. Giving the girls another restroom won’t fix the problem of long queues. It’s the same issue that traffic engineers encounter. Say you have a road that is often congested due to lots of traffic. The obvious solution would be to build a second road. But that does not reduce traffic on the old road. In fact, the new road will quickly become just as congested, because people now take the opportunity to do more driving. It’s a concept knowns as “induced demand”. And it means that the newly annexed restroom will just become as overcrowded as the others, because girls will poop at school instead of at home now.

My point is, these kids spend too much time in the restroom as it is. Life is about more than hanging around toilets, young people. Believe me, I learned that lesson the hard way.

The fairest solution, therefore, is to close all of the restrooms in the school, boys and girls, and build a couple of outhouses in the Ravine. That way, students will only go the restroom if they absolutely must.

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Anyway, Feminist Club holds their protest and have formed a picket line at the boy’s room they want. They won’t let Zig pass. He goes to Maya for help. But Maya a member of Feminist Club and sings her dumb song to pump up the broads. Zig cries like a bitch.

Soon after, the PTA approves Feminist Club’s proposal, and the girls slap a “girls” sign on the restroom door. There go four urinals to waste. And will be wrecked after the girls discover you can’t poop in them.

Maya is happy to have played a part. Isis tells her what the club’s next battle will be: take down Video Game Club.

ANALYSIS

This episode sets up the main story arc for the second half of the season: Feminist Club vs. Gamer Club. Which was a stupid waste of time. I would have preferred if this marked the start a multi-episode story where PHG develops a masturbation addiction. Degrassi is at its very best when it does awkward teen body issue stuff. But the show is dumb when it gets political.

And I am as out of touch with today’s youth as the Degrassi writers, but I feel that rather than wanting to convert a boy’s room into a girl’s, teens today would campaign to designate a gender-neutral restroom. Like what Mr. Simpson uses. It’d be a more realistic move. Not that Degrassi has ever been realistic.

Still, I can believe that the feminists would have been able to take over a boy’s restroom without much opposition. All of the boys in Degrassi are pussies and have been for the past decade. You can see some of them in the background during the protest. They don’t like this, but all they do is stand there and pout. It’s a building full of the type of males who would vote for Hillary Clinton.

Sean would have never stood for this shit. Hell no. If Emma was leading the take over a boy’s room, he would have told she was stupid. Not cry like Zig. And if a group of picketers tried to block him, he would have unzipped his jeans and pissed all over the door. I miss that wonderful man.

QUESTION & ANSWER PORTION

  1. Which Degrassi character—encompassing all seasons—do you think masturbates the most? And why is it Toby?
  2. Is it is coincidence that the Feminist Club logo resembles the flag for the Islamic State?