Degrassi Next Class: 1.07 “#ThisCouldBeUsButYouPlayin”

Zoë seeks revenge on New Alex for not being a gay. Miles learns that Andrew WK songs are no way to live one’s life. Maya goes to New York City to become a star!

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A Plot: Zoë

Zoë is still elated over the kiss she shared with New Alex in the previous episode. I am too because it was the only good part of that episode. Zig goes up to them and asks if he is hotter than Jonah. No, he really does. When they don’t answer him, Zig goes off somewhere to cry. New Alex invites Zoë over after school to watch Netflix. “Great!” says Zoë. “I love Netflix.” That’s called marketing, kids!

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Later, Zoë and New Alex sit in her bed and watch Fuller House. Zoë is hopes this will lead to sexy lady times, but they are interrupted by Zig, who is whiny over Maya being in New York City. Where did Zig come from? Does Zig live with New Alex? Are they siblings? Zig gets between them in the bed. Neither girl likes him being here, but he has no one else to talk to. Zig has no guy friends anymore because he whines like a chick all the time.

Eventually, Zig has to leave because 9pm is past his bedtime. New Alex asks Zoë to stay the night, which leads to the two of them having sex. We don’t see anything past them kissing, which is bullshit. God damn it Netflix, you promised me you were going to be different!

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The next day at school, Zoë thinks New Alex is her girlfriend. But New Alex drops a bomb. “I’m not gay,” says New Alex. What? See, New Alex assumed she was gay, but last night was disgusting and made her realize she does not want to be with a woman ever again. “It was slimy and gross,” says New Alex. “It felt like I let an octopus inside me.” New Alex only assumed she did not like men because all of the boys in Degrassi are losers. The closest thing to a real man in this school is Mr. Simpson! Oh, but if she was 12 years older, she would have been enrolled with hunks such as Spinner, Sean, Craig, Jay, and Chris. New Alex would have known early on she was straight, and often!

Zoë is heartbroken. She had a crush on New Alex for a long time. Zoë asks if New Alex has ever even liked a boy. New Alex admits she kind of liked Zig at one point. That’s why New Alex thought she was a lesbian. Zig is such an emasculated crybaby that he is close to being a chick.

Class ends and Zoë leaves in a huff. She bumps into Zig, causing him to drop his phone. The back cover comes off and the screen shatters. Zig whines at Maya fix this, but she ignores him.

“Don’t you dare ignore me,” Zig cries. “I have feelings!” Jesus Christ, Zig. Jesus Christ.

Fucker, that phone must have cost $20 for it to break apart so easily. Big deal, go to a dollar store and buy another shit phone. And if it was an expensive phone, you’re a moron for paying $250, but not another 8 bucks for a rubber case.

Anyway, Zig and Zoë head to the Ravine, where they throw rocks at glass bottles. Zig is worried about Maya being away in another city with Jonah. “Nothing hurts more than imagining the girl you love with someone else,” says Zig. The writers thought they were awfully clever for having a line that would apply to both Zig and Zoë at that moment. They high-fived each other in the writers’ room for an hour straight.

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This is when Zoë activates Plan Ravine Vengeance. She hits the video recorder on her phone and then kneels down in front of Zig. She gave him a blowjob! Of course we don’t get to watch :(. It’s for the best, I don’t want to see Zig cry rape while Zoë unbuttons his pants, and then make high pitched squeals as he is getting serviced.

You know, lots of things have changed on Degrassi over the years (for the worse), but thankfully, kids committing sin in the Ravine has not. As time goes by, so many things are different than they used to be; cell phones have gotten smaller and more useful, while women have gone the opposite way. But it melts the icicles off this old curmudgeon’s heart to see that some things stay just the way they always have been.

The next mornng at school, Zoë sends the video to New Alex. New Alex doesn’t react much to it. She doesn’t even say, “Well, I suppose this means neither of us are lesbians. Boy, we were a couple of silly gooses last night then, eh?”

Just then, Maya arrives, back from the US. New Alex hides the video from Maya as she walks by to hug Zig. Oh my!

B Plot: Miles

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It is morning, and Miles is passed out in the Ravine, next to an empty bottle of alcohol. Hell yeah the Ravine is getting the job done this episode! Miles is woken when his sister calls his phone. She does not know where he is. Neither does Miles, until he sees the school nearby. That is what is convenient about getting fucked up the Ravine, you won’t be late for school.

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Miles sleeps in class, which pisses off the new Coach Armstrong. He is trying to teach Shakespeare. New Coach Armstrong wants Miles to explain the ‘To be or not to be..’ line from Hamlet. Miles can’t because he is still hungover (I would think everyone would notice that Miles smells like dirt and whiskey). “Hamlet is depressed,” Winston the Asian kid pipes in, “And he’s trying to figure out if hurting himself is a way out. But it’s not.” That’s clearly a reference to Miles, kids. The writers were very proud of themselves for figuring out how to write an analogy.

After class, Miles’s girlfriend and drug supplier, Essay, tells Miles what they did last night, as he can’t remember. She tells him he took a bunch of pills and they went to a bar. They were allowed in, but not allowed to buy booze, so Miles stole the bottle we saw in the Ravine. What kind of bar let them in? Minors can’t buy anything, so they were just taking up space. It must have been the bar Maya’s band played in that allowed in teens for some reason.

They then went their separate ways, for some reason, so Essay doesn’t know what Miles did next. He obviously got drunk and fell asleep in the Ravine. Miles is all like, ‘I could have died’. Essay is like, ‘Shutup and take more drugs.’

Essay hands Miles a packet of some kind of pills. She was carrying those around in school. Someone needs to inform her Degrassi is a DRUG FREE SCHOOL ZONE.

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After school, Miles is zoned out while he and Essay go to the Mexican restaurant the kids hang out at now, La Dottá. But Zacku tells Miles to leave. Does Zacku own this place? I tell ya, every since Obama was elected those people act like they own everything, am I right?

Zacku is mad because last night, Miles sent his girlfriend pictures of his wang. Miles does not remember this, but laughs. Essay shows him the evidence on her phone. Miles wants to do that again, so he unbuckles his belt. But then he falls down and bops his head on the cement. Essay laughs. So did we watching at home, Essay, so did we.

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The next time we see Miles, he is in the hospital. Or, as Canadians say, “in hospital”. Miles’s mother arrives and the doctor tells her about the many drugs that were found in his system, several Miles was not even aware of: cocaine, MDMA, horse urine, jenkem, lean, U4EA, nuke, ephemerol, shine, moloko, spice melange…

his is when the episode takes the tone of an after school special. The doctor tells Miles he will die if he continues to take drugs. Miles cries out that drugs are “the only way I have control!” “The drugs are controlling you”, replies the doctor. “I ask again: Do you want to die?” “Just accept help” says his mother as she holds him.

The next day, Miles is ready to be sober. But Essay appears at his home and wants to continue the fun. Miles says he cannot be around her anymore. Essay tells Miles that he will come back to her soon. “You have no friends and a crap family,” Essay says as she walks out. Essay is mean!

C Plot: Maya

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Maya and Jonas are off to New York City! They are going to meet an important man in a record company, who wants to make them the next one hit wonder! New Alex is also in the band, but cannot travel due to her cancer or AIDS whatever it is.

The two will travel in a car with Maya’s mom, because the producers couldn’t afford to rent an airplane interior set for only one scene. A nine hour drive seems like a pain compared to flying, but I think an international flight may take longer when you factor in the time required to go through airport security. I hate how the TSA subjects people of European descent to their intrusive security procedures.

But this has the makings of a fantastic road trip. Oh, the sights they will see along the way! Buffalo! Binghampton! Poughkeepsie! Why that could be an episode on its own. Not just an episode, but a two hour made-for-TV movie: Maya and Jonah Run Amok in Western New York State.

Anyway, Zig is jealous that Maya will be alone with Jonah. Of course he cries about it. I don’t know why, because I am pretty sure Jonah is gay. Maya’s mom is fine with Maya and Jonah sharing a hotel room, and I can’t believe she would if Jonah was straight. Why do none of the kids see that Jonah is homosexual?

We go to New York City. Stock footage of the Stature of Liberty and yellow cabs tell us this. Maya and Jonah’s hotel room has a large window with an impressive view of the New York skyline imposed on cheap green screen.

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Maya and Jonah go to the record company, but they never arranged an appointment, so have to wait in the lobby. The man they want to talk to is in a meeting with Pink. But he comes out immediately to see Maya. It’s Randy Jackson! What happened to his meeting with Pink? He must have gotten sick of listening to Pink talk endlessly about how phony Britney Spears is. She is still droning on, she didn’t notice Randy left. “She’s just a fake pop princess. I’m real. I’m rock music…”

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The kids play their dumb song for Randy Jackson, who does not like it, telling them the song is generic and anyone could write it. Then he leaves. That is the end of their recording career. Maya is sad. Jonah, however, wants to go sightseeing. I don’t think he ever thought they would get a recording contract. He just wanted a trip to New York that Maya’s mom would pay for. “I hear New York has the best bagels,” Jonah says.

ANALYSIS

This episode was good. I mean that sincerely. It was a welcome respite from the dumb politics that dominate the second half of this season. And I always like the episodes where teens have sex!

The Zoë story was hilarious. Zoë has been in love with New Alex since before the show moved to Netflix. They kissed and appeared to be headed towards a relationship. Zoë had been waiting a year to finally make love to New Alex and be her girlfriend. They do it, but it’s a huge turn off for New Alex, who realizes she is not actually attracted to women. But that is true to life! A lot of girls who say they are attracted to girls or bisexual are not. They just want to sound cool, and would vomit if they ever actually put their mouth near to another woman’s vagina.

By the way, only a girl can engage in that kind of experimentation and still be considered straight. Once a boy crosses that line, he is marked for life. He can’t say, “Oh sure I sucked off my best friend one time but I’m totally hetero.” Just look at JT and Toby.

The Miles story was almost as funny. Essay is odd because she has all these drugs, yet never takes them herself. She just gives them to Miles and thinks its funny to watch him be high. What a devil!

The Maya story was honest. I’m glad the writers admitted that her music isn’t any good. They kept insisting it was for so long that I expected this episode to be the beginning of Maya getting a Taylor Swift-style story or something.

QUESTION & ANSWER PORTION

  1. Why did Zoë think she would get revenge on New Alex by giving Zig a blowjob? Why would New Alex care? She is not dating Zig. If anything, Zoë is getting revenge on Maya. What did Maya ever do to Zoë?

  2. Why does the record executive’s office look like a room in Degrassi? (see Fig. 1-A) Was this filmed in part of the school set that has not been used before?

    Fig. 1-A

    Fig. 1-A

  3. You may know Randy Jackson from American Idol, but did you know he was also a member of Journey? (see Fig. 1-B) If you did know this, explain how you learned. If you did not know this, explain what is wrong with you.

    Fig. 1-B

    Fig. 1-B

  4. Rank the following Journey hits from Most Awesome to Least Awesome: “Any Way You Want It”, “Don’t Stop Believin’”, “Faithfully”, “I’ll Be Alright Without You”, “Lights”, “Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’”, “Open Arms”, “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)”, “Wheel in the Sky”, “When You Love a Woman”, “Whose Crying Now”. Explain your answer.

  5. Journey has more good songs than the Beatles, didn’t they? I’m serious. I would rather chill out to Journey’s best of than the Beatles. Lennon and McCartney fell in love with their egos towards the end. Explain why I am correct.

  6. If you are in the Howell, Michigan area on a Friday night, check out my Journey tribute band, Destination. I am on vocals and keytar. I would show you some clips, but Youtube’s copyright protection program keeps removing them. We play in the old KKK building (don’t worry, most of the swastikas have been painted over).