Degrassi Vegas Vacation

Season 12 Episodes 29 & 30
Airdate: December 14, 2012

This is a one-hour special in which the kids head to Las Vegas. Previous adventures to Hollywood and New York were two hours long and the cast actually went to those cities. I am pretty certain none of this was filmed in Las Vegas.

1

In the castle, Drew and Bianca have their wedding rehearsal. Fiona plays the justice of the peace while Adam and Imogen (the best man and bridesmaid) play the in-show version of Angry Birds on an iPad. They call the iPad by its name. I don’t know why they can’t ever say Facebook or Angry Birds on this show but they can say iPad. Anyway, the five of them are leaving for Las Vegas soon, where Drew and Bianca shall marry.

Fiona won the group seven plane tickets, so Drew suggests to Bianca that they invite his mom and dad along. Bianca says no, because all his parents will do is try to stop the wedding because Drew’s mom thinks Bianca is trailer trash. “I’m not trailer trash,” says Bianca. “I’m ghetto fabulous. There’s a difference.”

2

As this is a one-hour special, we get a special title screen graphic that looks incredibly cheap. To be expected from Degrassi. Degrassi is the minor league baseball of TV. The talent isn’t as good and the budget is way lower than the majors (American TV), but that simple charm is why we’re fans. Plus, occasionally one of our amateurs gets into the pros, and we feel a sense of pride in seeing someone we followed when they were obscure make it to the big league. All the pubic hair I’ve mailed to Shenae Grimes is a testament to that.

Anyway, Katie and Jake pack for their trip to Mexico (with Moe and Marmalade) while Cam will return to the pig farming town he grew up in. This is spring break. Leave it to Degrassi to air a spring break special in the middle of December. Couldn’t they have done a fucking Christmas episode? The timeline is so screwed up. I think in Degrassi time, we’re in March of 2009 right now.

Drew and Adam are not going to tell their mom about the wedding. Their cover story is to look like they are going camping, so they pack up a bunch of camping gear at their house. Mrs. Torres finds them before they leave and wants to give them a camp stove. Drew turns it down, defiantly I might add. There is still a lot of hostility between mother and son.

Katie learns she has been accepted to Stanford. Katie is graduating soon? She hasn’t been on the show very long. Unfortunately, Katie’s mom, Professtrix X, tells her the family will not be able to afford the tuition, even with financial aid. Shouldn’t Katie get a soccer scholarship or something? I thought she was pretty close to making the Olympics. Is she kicked out of soccer forever because she abused pills? Jake tells Katie everything will be all right, but Katie really wanted to go to her dream school. “I just want to get the fuck out of Canada,” Katie cries.

3

Back at the castle, Fiona makes last minute alterations to Bianca’s gown. Fiona has all the travel arrangements take care of too. Bianca tells her:

“I’m so glad we made you our wedding planner. You’re like a boring details genius.”

Meanwhile, Hurricane Stephanie (that bitch!) has hit the Gulf of Mexico canceling Katie, Jake, Moe and Marmalade’s flight. Katie suggests they go to Las Vegas then. Jake points out that they are too young to gamble, but Katie says Las Vegas also has “paintball and roller coasters.” She sees this as the opportunity to try to win her tuition playing blackjack. You see, her grandfather used to live in Reno and taught her how to count cards. Grandpa was a grifter and it’s in Katie’s blood.

The wedding party is in the plane. Drew has yet to write his vows. Imogen says:

“I read Bianca’s vows. She’s basically like Shakespeare except she female and she’s less dead.”

4

That’s when they see, much to their surprise, Katie’s group a few rows behind them. Katie and Bianca run into each other as they exit opposite washrooms. Drew left Katie to be with Bianca, so there is a whole heap of bitchiness between them.

Drew gets in between them to cool things down, but ends up hyperventilating:

“This doesn’t have to be weird. Yeah, a few months ago we dated, but a few months ago, Jake was with Clare. But now they’re…kind of related…and now you guys date.”

Drew blurts out an invitation to the wedding for Katie’s crew. This pisses off Bianca. Back at their seats, she tells him to let her nap and:

“Don’t go inviting any of your exes to come spoon with me. OK?”

What? Like, right now? Did they plan to spoon on the airplane?

“It’s gonna be a bumpy ride,” Imogen tells Fiona. Imogen should have a drum kit with her at all times so she can follow her jokes with a rimshot.

And ask me, Drew should be proud right now. He’s boned more people on this plane than anybody. Statically, he’s slept with about 5% of the passengers.

5

The plane takes off from the farm pasture that is Toronto International Airport.

6

Drew and Bianca are in the hotel lobby. Bianca is still pissed at him. Drew explains that he wanted more guests because he is used to large Torres family weddings with lots of games, an open bar, and the brothers of the groom get a shot at the bride. There are two drag queens who are excited to hear there is a wedding. Bianca isn’t angry anymore because drag queens always cheer up a room. Bianca extends an invitation to them.

In the other group’s suit, Katie shows Jake that she can count cards. He still thinks it’s a bad idea. Moe joins them after being detained at the airport by Homeland Security for several hours. Border agents went over him extremely thoroughly. By that, I mean they mostly stuck probes up his butt to check for bombs. The thing about that is that you go from not liking it to kind of liking it and then being disturbed that you like it and stop liking it.

7

Katie and Marmalade hit the gambling floor. Katie has the fake I.D. that Bianca got her. Marmalade gets in because no one can tell a black person’s age. Africans age much more gracefully than us of European stock. Marmalade could say she is anywhere from 12 to 62 and white people will believe it.

They sit down at a blackjack table. A Big Ol’ Black Guy checks Katie’s I.D., which says she is Maria Alverez from Winnipeg. The B.O.B.G. is suspicious, but then a handsome young gentleman intervenes to allow Señorita Alveraz to play.

8

The boys have Drew’s bachelor party at a burlesque show, which is great if you like strippers combined with magic acts. Moe jokes that getting married at 18 is like deciding to only eat “one piece of toast. Forever.”

Drew asks the boys to share their favorite memory of him. Adam says it was the time Drew ate dog biscuits at age 8. Moe and Jake don’t have any, since they are not actually his friends. Moe says his was when Drew drank hot sauce two seconds ago. Jake throws out:

“That I Did it Video. Which was actually…about you sleeping with my girlfriend.” Wonk wonk!

Back to Katie. The guy she met is none other than Darren Howe, the 20-something billionaire inventor of Facerange, the in-show version of Facebook! I like this guy. He is less Jewy than Zuckerberg. Darren wants to help Katie gamble her way into Stanford—the school he dropped out of, so gives her $10,000 in chips. Katie proceeds to lose that, as well as the $5000 she came with—her entire life savings! Ah shit, what is she going to do now? Hey, wait…what about that billionaire who was flirting with her?

9

Back to Drew. There is another bachelor party in the room, with a groom who is old enough to make a mature decision to get married. Both grooms get an awkward lap dance from the ladies. The older groom tells Drew that his mom and bride are probably enjoying male strippers together. Drew is surprised that his bride gets along with his mother because Bianca and his mom don’t and Drew thinks that must be how it is with everyone. Fred Flintstone hates his mother-in-law so it must be a universal law that goes back to dinosaur times. Drew says he didn’t even invite his mother to the wedding. “That’s wack,” says the other groom. “My mom and me do everything together. She’s going to give me a bath tomorrow morning before the wedding.”

This is when Adam says they have to leave the burlesque show to go play glow in the dark paintball. This is what you get when you have a bachelor party with virgins.

Drew calls his mom. He left a voice mail inviting her to the wedding.

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