Glee: 102 “Showmance”

Season 1 Episode 2
Airdate: September 9th, 2009

Porpoise of Life name: “Celibacy Club One”
Issue of the Week: Trying to afford the American Dream

Glee episode 102

We open with some stuff they already did in the first episode and then Will is ordered to Sue’s office, where, in between doing her girl workout, informs Will that glee club needs twelve people to qualify for competition, and the team only has six; “five and a half”, according to Sue because Artie’s bottom half doesn’t count. They need more members, but how can they recruit kids when glee club is considered losers and worthy of getting slurpees thrown in their faces?

Will schedules glee club to perform at an assembly in order to recruit more members. The kids are worried that they will be killed if they have to perform in front of the school, and considering how they have been treated in just one episode so far, is not an exaggeration. Will wants them to perform “Le Freak” a disco song he loves, but the kids don’t think disco is cool because they were all born in the 90s. I guess Will is, like, 50 then?

Glee episode 102

Terri, Will’s wife, wants them to buy a house, because she is pregnant and babies need lots of space. Poopy diaper smell has no way to dissipate in an tiny apartment. Terri wants to buy a very expensive home but Will wants to get some place they can afford. Terri sets her heart on a place where there are many Christmas trees in the lawn she can cut down. It’s for the baby, so Will agrees. They will just have to cut their expenses some more. They have already given up Applebees. I don’t know how much that will save them. Every time I have eaten to Applebees, someone else has paid. I just had to put out afterward for that fajita my uncle bought me.

Terri is so excited and gets to work making her brother-in-law get work on the frilly pink bedroom where Terri imagines “our daughter or gay son will sleep.”

Glee episode 102

Back at school, Will lets the kids sing “Gold Digger” by Kanye West, but is still going to force them to sing disco at the assembly. Will even leads the song. It’s pretty good, but you really notice how they censored it. Glee can’t say nigger on Fox for some reason, which is ridiculous when you consider the network used to be the home of In Living Color, Martin and Bernie Mac. Those shows used the n-word, didn’t they? I don’t remember any of them too well. I just know whenever I see Martin Lawrence or a Wayans brother, I always associate them with the n-word. It flashes in big red letters in my mind.

Maybe that’s something I need to work on.

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We then go to the place we all want to see more of: the women’s restroom. Emma is able to use the toilet with using her hands. How can a lady even do that? I know man could do that if he has no qualms about peeing all over the seat, which every man should do every time he pees. Only ladies use the seat anyway, let them sit in your pee, it’s about establishing dominance over the female gender. No real man ever sits down on the toilet seat, not even to poop.


Emma hears Rachel trying to force herself throw up in a stall. She wants to be thin to attract Finn, but can’t bring herself to vomit. “One day when you’re older,” says Emma, “that will turn out to be a gift.”

Ok, I’m thinking she hikes up her skirt with her elbows and probably wiggles her legs to remove her panties. And she’s definitely someone who squats over the seat. Ok, that thought has me all worked up and I gotta go rub one out. See ya in a few minutes.


















oooh oooooh oooooooh







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Rachel joins the celibacy club to be closer to Finn, who only joined to be closer to Quinn, who heads the club. It’s Rachel and the cheerleaders and all the guys who date or want to date cheerleaders. So the hottest and most popular girls in the school are the ones who pledged abstinence? This school is like some God damn Taylor Swift fantasy.

The cheerleaders make the boys grind them with a balloon in between. Quinn reminds them that when the “balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.”

Rachel balks at all of this and tells everyone that abstinence doesn’t work because teenager’s hormones are too wild, and they need education about contraceptives. Damn liberal media and their speeches. Rachel is banished from the club for mentioning contraception and safe sex education. This really is a Taylor Swift fantasy.

Glee episode 102

Will takes a night job as a janitor to afford the home and grand foyer Terri so desperately wants. Emma sees him on night and offers to help. Emma knows about cleaning. Will wonders what is up with her when she spends and hour cleaning a pencil sharpener. That’s just how Emma rolls.

Ken Takana, the football coach, sees this because everyone is hanging around the school at 11pm. He has feelings for Emma, but Emma ignores him because she likes Will. Ken tells Emma that it’s never going to happen with Will because he is married with a baby on the way. Ken offers to take her a tulip festival.

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Rachel goes back to glee and hatches a plan. Instead of dong the disco song at the assembly, the kids do “Push It” with much sexy dancing (Kurt moves his hips better than any of the girls). Will is shocked, but the student body erupts in cheer because they are all so sexually frustrated that this is the most they’ve ever gotten. Many boxers were spoogled in.

You know, it’s kind of weird how they made a big deal out of Finn being a virgin in the Madonna episode, but, like, just about every guy in school has to be one. Oh poopers.

Sue is outraged! As is the principal, who allows glee club to continue, but they can only perform from pre-approved list of family friendly songs. He is still impressed by glee club’s potential, and cut dry cleaning budget of the Cheerios to pay for costumes for glee club. Sue will now look at Will with Terminator vision because of this.

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Rachel helps Will with his singing and they have a picnic in the auditorium. They get frisky but then Will prematurely ejaculates. Tostop it from coming, he thinks back to when he 16 and ran over the mailman, but that doesn’t stop the man juice from filling his underwear. Of course it won’t. And if he keeps thinking about that every time he is about to have sex, he’s just going to develop a run-people-over fetish. We get those kinks in our teens, people. Will runs away.

Glee episode 102

On the home front, Terri goes to the doctor and is told she had an “hysterical pregnancy” which means she only thought she was pregnant. She still tells Will she is pregnant, because she is scared of losing him. They’re marriage was happy before she thought she was pregnant, so I don’t know where this worry comes from. I guess that low paid teacher is a real keeper.

Glee episode 102

Quinn, Britney, and Santana, three cheerleaders, surprise Will by auditioning for glee club. They sing “I Say a Little Prayer” and they twirl their skirts and I get kind of hypnotized watching it. I’m glad these actors are around my age, and not really in high school, or else…whew. Turns out, Sue wants the girls to spy on glee club. Sue has made it her mission to destroy glee club. Sue needs a hobby.

Glee episode 102

Will gives Quinn the lead on a song, which upsets Rachel. This means Quinn will sing with Finn! Will did not approve of their assembly song but understands that his disco idea was the wrong choice. See, there was a disco revival in 1993 and Will’s glee club won Nationals that year with “Le Freak”, so he has fond memories. Ok, so he’s, like, 35 then. There was a disco revival in 1993? Is that a joke? Or was there a real disco revival and Will just completely missed the grunge era? I was in elementary school at the time, I don’t know. My favorite band back then was the Beets.

Rachel expresses her pain over Finn by singing “Take a Bow” it’s good and–but I’m gonna stop ’cause it’s 4am here and I have to go to bed. Got my court appearance in the morning.

Grade: B+

Fuck, they should have sang “Killer Tofu.” It’d be the perfect song if there is ever bad food in the caf.

Best Musical Number:

“I Say a Little Prayer ” – Dionne Warwick. Performed by Britney, Quinn and Santana

Brochures in Emma’s Office:

Glee episode 102