Glee: 105 “The Rhodes Not Taken”

Season 1 Episode 5
Airdate: September 30th, 2009

Porpoise of Life name: “Crazy Lady One”
Issue of the Week: Crazy People

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The glee club marches on without Rachel. Quinn has taken her place as the lead female vocals on “Don’t Stop Believing” but has to go throw up because having babies in your belly makes you do that. Only Finn, Puck, and Will know she is pregnant. Kurt asks if they can discuss “the giant white elephant in the room.”

“Your sexuality?” jokes Santana. She smirks and no one else laughs. I think Santana was expecting the other kids to laugh but her joke bombed. She recovers by tapping her mic and saying “Is this thing on?” and then doing a fake golf swing.

Will and Terri go to a restaurant. Terri eats a lot of pie to fatten herself up so she will appear pregnant (she wants Will to think she is pregnant). Their waiter is 24 year old man who has been purposefully held back by Carmel High and is six year senior because he is the best singer on Vocal Adrenaline, glee club’s rivals. Instead of turning that school in, Will decides he needs an older ringer also. Um…Finn was born before the first Gulf War in 1991 (his dad died in the fighting), which, in 2010, can’t possibly make him younger than 18. Like, he has to be the same age as my little brother who just graduated college. Will must not want to to turn in Vocal Adrenaline out of fear they’d turn around and report Finn. It’s a stalemate.

Glee episode 105

Rachel has an interview with the school newspaper concerning the upcoming Cabaret musical. Rachel says she has 16 years of experience on the stage. Rachel is 16 years of age. The editor, Jacob the Jew-fro kid, threatens to give her a bad review unless she shows him her bra. “Show me your over the shoulder boulder holder,” he says. “Now get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.”

Sandy, the weird director of Cabaret, pops in and talks about his plans to stage a high school version of Equus. I had to use Wikipedia to get that joke.

Glee episode 105

Anyway, Will digs through Emma the guidance counselor’s files to find that a girl he was in glee club with in the early 90s did not actually graduate, so she can still be enrolled and join glee. Her name is April Rhodes. Will admits to Emma that April was his first crush, which makes Emma feel threatened, since she is supposed to be the woman Will will leave his wife for. Will and Emma find April’s Myspace page. She’s in her late 30s with a Myspace page? That should be a big red flag right away.

Will pays April a visit at the large house she lives in. April is an alcoholic who is not sure if she slept with Will. Also, a real estate agent stops by and chases April away. April is a squatter who is really homeless. Will asks what happened to her. He expected her to be star by now, but she’s been struggling. Will wants to give her another shot and help her sober up, as well as get her some underwear.

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April re-enrolls in West McKinley High and glee club. The glee kids aren’t happy to have someone who is more than twice their age in the club. Will wants to support her, but she acts all disruptive in his Spanish class, drinking out of a thermos and not knowing por from para.

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April works to win the glee kids over. She hooks Kurt up with booze and muscularly man magazines. She teaches Mercedes and Tina how to shoplift. And she sleeps with Puck and the two other football players who are in glee club but don’t ever speak. She’s got a solid majority behind her now, so no need to appease Artie, Finn or the cheerleaders. Fuck them.

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Meanwhile, things are not going well for our girl Rachel at Cabaret. She gives it her best, but Sandy is not impressed because she is a girl and has no boy butt for him to touch. No one else looks happy either; the girls in the background are so very glum.

Kurt walks around school drunk from April’s moonshine and in a daze from all of her porn. He looks at Emma and says, “Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.” Then he throws up on her. Emma had to go to the ER because of that and tells Will that someone had to have given Kurt booze. “I think it was April,” Emma says .”Her backpack’s always clacking with empties.”

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Sandy yells “You suck!” at Rachel, which sends her to the bathroom to cry. April enters and they talk. April asks for some Nyquil and says he has her eye on Finn. At least with Finn she won’t be committing statutory rape. This scares Rachel since she also has a crush on Finn.

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Will and April go bowling. Will confesses that he had a huge crush on her in high school and was the reason he joined glee club. His dream was always to sing with her, and April makes that happen at the karaoke set up to Heart’s “Alone.”

Finn and Rachel are also there bowling but they do not hear the singing. Emma told Finn that he has a better chance of getting a music scholarship than a football scholarship to pay for college, however, he needs Rachel to rejoin glee club so they can make a splash and get attention. They have an awkward date and kiss. Finn asks her to come back to glee club and Rachel says yes.

At practice, the glee kids wonder why Quinn has been throwing up. They don’t realize she is pregnant until Puck tells them because he got her pregnant, but he makes sure they think Finn is the dad, cause Quinn wants Finn to think that too. That’s the moment when Rachel pops in to rejoin glee club and pops back out to quit again.

Rachel slaps Finn. She had to jump up to even reach his face, dude is so tall. Rachel thought they had something special, but Finn confesses that he only wanted her back in glee so he could afford college to support his future child. Which doesn’t make him a bad person, I guess.

Rachel wants back in Cabaret. She goes to Sue and demands that she help with the Sandy situation. Sue put together Cabaret as a way to sabotage glee club by stealing Rachel away, so Sue agrees to give control of the musical to her. Sue doesn’t like where Sandy is heading with it either. She tells Rachel, “When Sandy said that he wanted to write himself in as Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious.”

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The glee club has a performance. April is the lead, but she shows up drunk and makes out with Puck. But she still brings it to a rendition of a Carrie Underwood song about fucking random guys in bars or something.

April and Will talk during the intermission. April realizes that she needs to quit drinking and is hogging attention that the kids deserve. She was just happy to finally be on stage and get applause for once in her adult life. April heads off for Branson, Missouri to sober up and become a star.

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But glee club still needs a female lead for their second number. Rachel returns and asks to them to let her back in glee. The kids wonder why she would want to be in glee club when she can be the star of Cabaret. Rachel tells them, “I realized being a star doesn’t make me feel as special as being your friend.”

Oh, Jesus Christ, Glee. You’re so over the top I love you for it. Glee only pulls it off because we’re all in on the silliness. Remember those very special speeches at the end of every episode of Full House? Like, Danny would sit Stephanie down and tell her that she doesn’t need to change herself to be popular because her friends and family will always love her for who she is. Then the director would say “Cut!” and Bob Saget would shove Jodie Sweetin off his knee and then laugh at how stupid that was all the way to his house, where he’d masturbate over his pile of money. Glee wants us to be Bob Saget, not the 8 year old girls who ate up Full House back in the day. Those 8 year olds are adults now and can be in on the joke.

The glee club lights up the auditorium by singing “Somebody to Love” by Queen.

Grade: A

This is my favorite episode so far. So funny. Such good songs. I am so glad I’m not reviewing Degrassi all the fucking time anymore.

I sat through this whole episode thinking that April was played by Amy Sedaris, the woman who starred in Strangers with Candy. Wikipedia says the actress is Kristin Chenoweth, who I have never heard of until now. They look alike, and this episode was just a big rip off of Strangers with Candy which is probably why I love it so.

Best Musical Number:

“Alone” – Heart. Performed by April and Will

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 105