Glee: 106 “Vitamin D” & Saved by the Bell: 209 “Jessie’s Song”

Season 1 Episode 6
Airdate: October 7th, 2009

Porpoise of Life name: “Getting High on Decongestant Pills”
Issue of the Week: Drug use

Glee episode 106

Will is frustrated with the glee kids. They are not giving it their all. Their competition for the upcoming Sectionals is a school for the deaf and another for inner city girl’s, so the kids think it will be a breeze and care not for rehearsing. Will wants to blame it on the their lack of motivation and not his white guy dancing steps.

Glee episode 106

In the teacher’s lounge, Emma removes a mustard stain from Will’s chin because it’s love between them. Yes, Emma wears plastic gloves when she eats lunch. She’s all afraid of germs and stains and stuff.

Glee episode 106

Will has a plan. He posts pictures of things that compete with other things on the wall. His opposites are Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, a shark and a bear, and lighting and an outdoor pool. None of the kids get it, either because they are too young to remember the Clinton administration or they just make no sense. Will’s point is competition makes things better. Let’s figure these out:

  • Clinton and Gingrich fought harder for the legislation they believed it because they faced such strong opposition from each other, being on different sides of the political spectrum, Gingrich a conservative Republican while Clinton is a conservative Democrat. I mean, they both wanted to cut government spending, balance the budget, decrease welfare, enact NAFTA, ban gay marriage, and enlarge the war on drugs, but they were from different parties so they had be enemies.
  • Not sure. Maybe if sharks evolve to walk on land or bears become better swimmers, one of those animals is going to be in trouble, so they have to stay in top shape.
  • You shouldn’t swim during a storm, but I guess the pool companies are working on a way around that.

Will divides the club into a boys and girls team. Kurt instinctively goes with the girls and is surprised when Will tells him to go with the boys. Each team has a mission: create a mash-up of two songs. The team with the best performance will get to select the songs for Sectionals.

Glee episode 106

Sue watches the Cheerios put together a human pyramid. Her eagle eyes detect that Quinn’s leg quivered… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. If the cheer team stops winning, than Sue will lose her endorsements and never be able to afford a hovercraft. Quinn doesn’t want Sue to know she is pregnant, so tells her coach that glee club is making her tired.

Now Sue has her reason to destroy glee club for the week.

Glee episode 106

Glee episode 106

Sue goes to Terri and tells her that her husband is being tempted by another woman at the school. Sue wants Terri to apply for the school nurse position. It seems that the current nurse is in a coma after falling down the stairs when Sue tripped her. This is how Sue describes the Emma threat:

Let me put it to you this way, if it’s not a full-blown affair, well, it’s certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them. I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you wanna lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.

–Sue Sylvester to Terri Schuester

Glee episode 106

Glee episode 106

Terri gets the school nurse job so she can watch Will. Her only other job is at a fabric store, but she’s had First Aid training so that is enough. I don’t know how qualified you really have to be to be a school nurse. My school didn’t have one. If a student got sick, you got sent to the vice principal, who called you a faggot and told you to walk it off. Michigan has a thing where rural school districts with declining populations don’t have to see their state funding level drop because of it, so having a few kids die during the year won’t hurt the school. If anything, it helps because it cuts down on the costs while allowing the school to claim it has smaller class sizes.

Finn is having trouble staying awake in school, what with being so busy with glee and football and a baby on the way. Presumably, he also goes to class. “Being a guy my age [23] is tough,” he says in a narration.

Finn goes to the nurse. When Terri finds out that Finn is Quinn’s baby’s daddy, she gives him extra attention and admires his bone structure. She also reminds him that flirting is cheating. When Terri was in school, she took decongestants to keep up her energy while juggling a busy schedule. It’s the pseudoephedrine that kept her alert. She tells Finn to take two pills of the stuff and he is suddenly full of vim and vigor.

He really is. The actor who plays Finn interprets Finn on pseudoephedrine as “I’ll just talk with the widest smile possible”. I want to party with this man.

Glee episode 106

The boys’ mashup is Bon Jovi and Usher. It is very awesome and arousing. That Asian glee kid who isn’t Tina does some neat-o break dancing.

After the performance, Rachel goes to Quinn and wants to be nice to her. Rachel understands what it is like to be laughed at and Quinn will too once the kids can see that she is pregnant. This is the beginning of Quinn starting to become a nice person. It’ll be a two steps forward, two steps back, another step back, then one forward mode of progress for her.

Glee episode 106

Terri calls her fabric store co-worker, Howard Bamboo, and asks him to get 36 boxes of decongestant pills. This might be too much for him!

Ken walks into her office and tells her about Will and Emma’s attraction. He says if they see each other on the side it would cancel out Will and Emma’s thing. Terri tells Ken to man up and propose to Emma. He is afraid to, but Terri gives him some decongestant pills.

Glee episode 106

The girls have to step up their game if they are going to beat the boys. Kurt comes to them. While he was forced to work with he boys, he tells them his true alligance is to the girls. It seems the boys shot down his idea to style their hair in cornrows and dress in costumes made with exotic bird feathers. Kurt tells them they all took pills from Terri. Now the girls want to do the same thing too, even Rachel. She doesn’t want to take drugs to get energy. She gets up at 6 every morning and hits the elliptical because she is a beast!

Now I get why this show has so many lesbian fans without having a lesbian character.

Glee episode 106

The girls all go to Terri and take her pills. Now it’s time to rock. They have the power!

Glee episode 106

Ken proposes to Emma in the teacher’s lounge. Ken knows that he is not the cleanest person in the world, but he tells Emma, “I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it.” Ahhh…..

kitten

Fuck off kitten, I’ve got something more adorable for me to focus on.

Glee episode 106

The girls perform “Halo” by Beyonce with “Walking on Sunshine” by I don’t know. I just remember that song from kids movies in the 90s. Rachel talks very fast. I’m surprise that someone like Rachel taking energy pills doesn’t cause her to explode.

Glee episode 106

Terri still is threatened by Emma, so she gets her alone and tells her to fuck the fuck off. Emma understands that she is not going to have Will, so accepts Ken’s proposal on the condition that they live in separate houses don’t see each other after school, or even tell other people. “That’s actually a better deal than I expected,” says Ken.

Also, Quinn agrees to give her baby over to Terri. Terri is happy to hear that, but doesn’t want to help Quinn pay any medical bills.

Also, the glee kids agree that since they all took performance enhancing drugs that no one gets to win their competition.

Also, Terri is fired from her nursing job. Pseudoephedrine is used to make meth so the feds arrested Howard Bamboo for buying all those boxes.

Also, Principal Figgins feels that Will exercised poor judgment for marrying Terri (he’s right) and makes Sue the co-director of glee club.

OH NO!

Grade: B-

Best Musical Number:

“It’s My Life” – Bon Jovi & “Confessions Part II” – Usher. Performed by New Directions boys

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 106

Season 2 Episode 9
Airdate: November 3rd, 1990

Porpoise of Life name: “Getting High on Caffeine Pills”
Issue of the Week: Drug use

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

We open at the Max, the restaurant that’s either next to the school or inside it. When I was little and watched this show every day, I assumed that’s just what cafeterias are like in California. Jesse is drinking a lot of coffee so she can keep studying for geometry midterm and get good grades to get into Stanford, her dream college.

The rest of the gang joins them. Slater sits backwards in a chair like he always does cause he’s a douche.

The girls sing “I’m so Excited” by the Pointer Sisters to wash Jesse’s stress away. Based off that, Zack thinks they somehow have what it takes to land a record contract. Zack’s dad has connections and he wants to be their manager. The girls don’t want to, telling him they only really sing in the girls’ locker room.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Zack’s plan is to have Screech dress up as an old female janitor and secretly record the girls singing in the locker room. A lot of Zack’s crazy schemes involve either him or Screech dressing up like a woman. I think Zack has some issues he needs to deal with.

“Oh no. Do I have to wear your Aunt Helen’s bra again?” Screech worries. Told ya. Zack and Screech dress up as woman a lot on this show and I want to know how often they do it when we aren’t watching.

Screech claims to be Sinead O’Conner’s aunt. And yeah, his big “boobs” are what you’d expect from two teenage boys putting someone in drag. The girls start singing around him and he records it with a microphone hidden in his mop.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

That night at Jesse’s bedroom, Slater helps her study. Jesse got a C on the quiz earlier so she is worried about the midterm. Their geography book’s cover is just a “G” over an early 90s style splash background.

Zack enters through her bedroom window. He gets up and down through a nearby tree. If I wa Jesse, I’d be concerned about letting a boy just come into my bedroom anytime he wants through a big open window. But Jesse knows about the crossdressing and basically thinks of him as a sister.

Zack tells them that the record producer liked their singing. Jesse is freaked out about the boys spying on them in the locker room until Zack tells her the producers liked her singing the best. Now it’s OK then.

Zack then exits via the window. He steps onto one tree branch and then jumps. Either Jesse’s bedroom is on the first floor and Zack just uses that branch as a step, or Zack jumped down two stories because he is some sort of superhero. The second option makes sense when you consider that Zack Morris can freeze time.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Slater gets tired and calls it a night. Jesse wants to keep going. She has started taking caffeine pills because she does not like the taste of coffee. Slater does not like this. Jesse doesn’t think there is anything to worry about because she bought them over the counter. But Slaters warns her that they can still be unsafe and habit forming.

Jesse says she won’t take them then Slater goes home and she TAKES SOME PILLS!

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

The next day, Jesse eats at the Max with Principal Belding because Jesse is one of the cool kids. Jesse is worried she will not get into Stanford. Jesse has a day dream. In its pink borderness, she did not get accepted to Stanford and the only school that would take her is Surf University, a party school where Zack is enrolled. Jesse does not think very highly of Zack. I highly doubt Surf University is an accredited institution. It is also held in the one classroom in Bayside High.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Zack meets the girls in the hall. He tells them the record company loved their tape, but the choice is between them and three other groups: Buns on the Run, The Spiked Earlobes, and Soul Asylum. I guess this record company can only handle having one group at a time. Zack tells them they can win over the record company by making a music video. He then names their group Hot Sundae. Zack has really gotten into this. More so than the girls.

JESSE TAKES ANOTHER CAFFEINE PILL.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

The music video is set in a gym located in a castle. The girls suddenly have an original song about rock ‘n rolling and breaking a sweat. Let’s not concern ourselves with where this song came from, let’s just enjoy the memories of early 90s leotards. I wonder if this video was ever shown on crazy 1990 MTV? Considering what a lot music videos looked like back then, this would have been one of the better ones.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

The next day at school, Zack tells the girls that the record company loved their video. Now they are going to wow them by putting on a show at the Max. Have you kiddies noticed that we have yet to the record company or any record execs? We just have Zack coming to school and telling the girls what the record company supposedly said. There’s no record company. Zack is just fucking with all of them.

Let’s pause a moment to admire the fashions. Man, it’s a good thing Slater is the quarterback of the football team, or else he would get his ass kicked for wearing that shirt.

Slater finds caffeine pills in Jesse’s backpack. He confronts her about it, so Jesse is like, “Did your boyfriend pick your outfit for today?” That shuts him up.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Jesse is the first student to finish her midterm, thanks to the magic of caffeine pills, which is odd since caffeine pills don’t make you smarter.

Slater tells Zack about Jesse’s addiction, but Zack doesn’t believe him and basically tells Slater. “I don’t have time for this. I have to go help the girls rehearse, and you probably have to head over to the Pride parade with how you’re dressed, homo.”

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

The girls rehearse at the Max for tonight. Jesse is all caffeinated up and brings out the WARRIOR.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Later on, Zack comes by Jesse’s house to take her to the Max. She is asleep. One time, my dog was napping and I went to squeeze her which woke her up and she barked and barked and barked! That’s how Jesse reacts when Zack wakes her.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Jesse is so stressed out that she has a panic attack. She tries to take more caffeine pills, but Zack grabs a hold of her to stop her. This is when Jesse shouts out the line that lives in the hearts and mind of so many young people from the 90s:

I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so…scared.”

Jesse breaks down in Zack’s arms.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

Because Jesse cannot perform, Screech fills in. Slater has to explain this to the record executives. Or at least the people Zack said were from the record company. I still maintain that there never was a record contract and Zack is just fucking with all of them. Jesse didn’t loan Zack her heels one time and he wants revenge.

Saved by the Bell Jessie's Song

The kids gather in Jesse’s bedroom. Her parents are taking her to counseling. We will never hear of this incident again. Hell, Jesse once had a brother who moved in from New York in one episode and we never saw again. That’s called pulling a Degrassi, even though this show predates D:TNG by about ten years.

And oh the fashion. Oh God, the fashion.

Grade: A

Best Musical Number:

“You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet (Go For It)” – ?. Performed by Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa.

I just assume it’s the name of their song. I can’t find any information about it online. You’d think with how many Americans born between 1975-1990 are on the internet that you could find at least one detailed Saved by the Bell site. But this is the best I could find. I bet a lot of fansites disappeared when Geocities closed down. Having a Saved by the Bell site is kind of embarrassing. It’s our generation’s disco.

I mean, shoot, this is the most detailed Degrassi site you’re very going to find. And we make fun of that stupid show.

Lisa’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 106

Final Thoughts:Being in your 20s and watching high school shows is weird because all the actors look your age. Back I would watch Saved by the Bellin elementary school, I thought high school was going to be just like that show. That worried me, since I assumed I was going to have to be the Screech. That didn’t turn out to be true, thankfully. My high school only had, like, one black person, but that is as far as the similarities went. At that age, a 16 year old and a 24 year old look a like. When you finally get to 20, you notice that actual teenagers look like dow-eyed children, and most “teens” on TV shows are way too developed. This was the line of reasoning I gave to the judge that got me off with only 24 months probation and I didn’t even have to register! Yee haw!Anyway, you may be wondering why the Saved by the Bell episode got a high grade than the Glee episode, despite SBTB being a horrible show by any stretch. Well, I’m grading on a curve. “Jessie’s Song” is probably the best–and certainly most memerable–episode of SBTB, while there are many more enjoyable episode of Glee than “Vitamin D”. An A+ on SBTB is still an F for Glee and, like, a B- for Degrassi.