Glee: 111 “Hairography”

Season 1 Episode 11
Airdate: November 25, 2009

Porpoise of Life name: “The One I Will Skip on DVD”
Issue of the Week: Sometimes Glee is a miss

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Sue brags to Will about being named Coach of the Decade by Splits magazine. Coach of the Decade? What other cheer coach is there that anyone has ever heard of? Not even in this show’s universe, but in real life? It’s interesting that she is a high school coach who is a bigger deal than any college cheer coach.

Sue has sent the glee club’s set list and other valuable information to two rival glee clubs who they will compete against in the upcoming Sectionals. Of all of Sue’s weekly schemes to destroy glee club, this is her best because it is the most effective yet requires the least amount of effort.

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Will asks for advice from Emma, the school guidance counselor. I think her guidance is only supposed to be for the students, Will. Emma tells him the tale of Mohammed needing to move a mountain, or something like that. It’s an odd analogy to bring up. Emma has been talking a lot to members of the Nation of Islam. She really wants to join. She was having a really emotional night recently and Malcolm X was on cable and now she thinks she had a religious awakening. She has not been detoured by the fact that the other Nation of Islam members keeping referring to her as “White Devil Cunt” at their meetings.

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Will pays a visit to Jane Addams High, one of the schools Sue sent his set list to. He has to go through several layers of security to enter the building, because it is a very black poor school. Will speaks to that one woman from Barbershop and Barbershop 2, who is the glee club director at this terrifying prison-school.

You know, the town this show takes place is supposed to be pretty small, and I’m certain these two schools are both in that town. If one school is mostly white and the other (poorer) school is mostly black, then this town has to be pretty segregated.

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As a goodwill gesture, Will invites the Jane Addams glee club come to whatever is the name of the school the main characters go to. Jane Addams perform “Bootylicious”, a song I spelled correctly in the first draft, and was chosen because these kids probably aren’t really familiar with music older than Beyonce. They think of Destiny’s Child as being as far in the past as we think of the Supremes.

The Jane Addams girls shake their hair and booties on stage. Their performance seems wildly inappropriate for a high school. TV and movies are weird how about they will sexualize high school. I’m not talking about constantly showing teens having sex on the weekend or prom night or whatever, I am talking about cheerleading uniforms that have a really short skirt and don’t cover the belly. What high school in the real world has cheerleading uniforms that are that revealing? My high school’s cheerlearding uniforms has skirts that went down to the knee and tops that were three sizes too big for any of the girls.

Will kind of gets turned on watching them. Now that I think about it, being a grown male teacher around teenage girls all day has to be a little frustrating sometimes. I’m not calling Will a pedophile, because before World War II, it was pretty common for a 40-year-old man to marry a 16-year-old girl, so that desire in our society hasn’t gone away yet. Will gets by through self-control and hiding behind his desk when he needs to.

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Rachel is not impressed, saying that Jane Addams is just using Hairography, hiding behind swinging their hair and all that razzel-dazzle to distract from their poor singing. Will is worried that the Jane Addams’ Hairography will allow them to win Sectionals. “Those Jane Addams girls did freak me out a little,” he admits to Rachel. He means he was freaked out because he never got a boner looking a black girl before.

Will’s plan is for the glee club to adopt Hairography of their own. He hands out wigs to all the boys. Will is an incredibly poor glee club director. When he is not quitting to do something else for a week, he is making the kids waste time on another one of his insecure schemes, when they should be rehearsing their set list.

Hey, Kurt looks very pretty. He could make some money if he had a webcam.

Will mentions the musical Hair, which none of the kids are familiar with. I don’t know what Hair is either and refuse to look it up online. It sounds like something so stupidly 60s and hippie-ish that I will only get angry reading about it. Yeah, I am one of those people.

Puck gives Quinn a book about raising a baby. He stole it from the bookstore. Puck has never heard of a library. FYI: Quinn is pregnant and Puck is the dad, but Finn thinks he is, and wants to be a good future dad. But now Quinn is thinking it may be better to let Puck be the father. I am thinking that either way, Quinn will be a horrible mother.

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At this point, Hulu showed me an ad for a LIBRARY book exchange program that features the Glee kids. The kids are in the LIBRARY, the happiest place in the school. Artie says he enjoys the Hardy Boys, but Kurt implies they are gay. Gay? Huh, aren’t they brothers? The second time I watched this episode, I was shown another public service ad with the Glee kids, this time advocating low-flow toilets. Seriously. I hope no taxpayer money went into these ads or else I am joining the Tea Party out of spite.

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On the home front, Terri will not let Will have sex with her. You see, she is faking a pregnancy and if he is all up in her lady box and doesn’t touch a fetus with his giant wang he will discover the truth.

Terri buys Will a car that is identical to the first car he had in high school when he was living in Hazzard County, Georgia and outrunning the corrupt Boss Hogg with his brother. Will is excited about getting to restore the car. This was Terri’s plan to get Will’s mind off sex, because being a mechanic is just as much fun as having sex. Have you ever noticed that a group of mechanics never ever get together to talk about sex?

I wonder if in the year 2025, I will ever be in my garage restoring a 2000 Ford Taurus.

Back at school, Will meets with his other rival glee club director, who represents a school for the deaf. This scene has jokes which may be considered offensive to the deaf, but deaf people probably don’t enjoy sitcoms anyway. Ever try watching a comedy program with close captions turned on? When the text pops up before the character says the punch line, it screws up the timing of the joke. Someone needs to write close captioning so that it matches the timing of the characters’ speech. You’ll be helping the disabled just like that loser who created Braille.

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OK, here’s the situation: Quinn wants to have a try at being with Puck. But to do that, she needs Finn to be distracted by another girl. So Quinn gets Kurt to give Rachel a hotness makeover. It’s like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy except it’s one gay guy and he’s helping out a female and this show is on the air. Rachel will then attract Finn for an afternoon and it will all come together.

With Kurt’s help, Rachel walks down the hall in a sexy black dress. Too bad no straight men watch Glee. When Rachel wears something sexy, it’s solely for the lesbian viewers.

While I was writing this review, my uncle came into the room and saw the screencaps of Rachel. He had never seen Glee but wanted to know about this pretty American girl. Really wanted to know about her, asin what is her name and price. You know, with all the showtunes and Madonna, Glee is really focusing hard on the people who like penis, but kind of ignoring the half of the country who prefers pussy. Here’s what the show needs to increase the lady lovers in the audience: Brittany and Santana need to become a couple, and Rachel needs to show off her girls. Yeah, yeah, I get she’s all modest and reserved and shit–blah blah blah we GET it—just give her more confidence and some low cut tops in season 2.

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Phase two is for Rachel to dress like Olivia Newton-John from Grease. Who has a catsuit like that? Well, Rachel would. The show is being logically consistent. Finn doesn’t find this attractive because, like a normal person, he hates Grease.

God, I hate Grease. There are so many bad works of art from the 1970s, and Grease is at the forefront of that decade of suck. Just forget about the awful songs and stupid stupidness of the overall movie for a moment, I just hate how none of actors looked like they could be in high school. I mean, the Glee kids don’t really look like teens either, but they pull it off better than anyone on Grease. Some of those “kids” in that movie were over 31 at the time and looked like it. Stockard Channing was 34! And supposed to play a teenager! I would watch that movie with my parents and think she had to be someone’s parent, or a PTA member. The movie would have worked better if it was set in a community college.

You see, Kurt has a crush on Finn. And he thought that by making Rachel unattractive, she would no longer be in competition for Finn’s affections. And it was going to turn Finn gay somehow. I don’t know how that would work or why so many people like Finn in the first place.

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With Finn off her back, Quinn can make a move on Puck. To prove they are parent material, they babysit Terri’s sister’s three boys, who are gross gingers and refuse to behave. Man, I know third generation Irish-Americans like to talk about the Irish Potato Famine like they were personally persecuted by the British and had to flee starvation, but come on. If you were Great Britain and had an entire island full of those people, would you go out of your way to make sure they could reproduce? I’m sorry your ancestors thought they could all their nutrients from whiskey, Irish-American guy, but the Potato Famine was over a hundred years ago and has no effect on your life. You were born in Philadelphia, your dad is an accountant, and you’re 40 pounds overweight. The reason the Irish live in Ireland is because the rest of the world wanted them as far out of the way as possible. Gingers are the septic tank of the human gene pool.

Quinn calms the little brats by singing a little bit of “Papa Don’t Preach”. The boys demand she sing again. They have a point since she only sang for 30 seconds, but that is enough to put the red-haired monsters to sleep.

Quinn thinks that Puck will make a good partner, but Santana is jealous. You see, Santana and Puck are in a relationship or something, even though we never really see them together or ever converse. Santana is on to Quinn’s game and tells her that “asking someone to babysit with you is super 90s.”

Man, don’t badmouth the 90s. That was before terrorism and the last time the economy was actually good. Maybe Quinn said that because the 90s were when she had a babysitter. “Babysitting, kindergarten, Nick Jr, and Fisher Price are all super 90s,” Santana always says, “I am so over that.”

Santana reveals that Puck was sexting her while he was helping Quinn babysit. Santana explains that sexting is sending sexy texts, because some viewers may not know that. I didn’t. My last cell phone plan charged me every time I sent or received a text, so I never texted and got annoyed when other people sent me texts because that added 50 cents to my bill. I don’t know why I am telling this to you people. I just like to whine.

“My sexts are too hot to erase,” Santana warns Quinn. That seems like a line that is too clever for someone like Santana to say.

Puck admits to Quinn that he is going to fool around with other girls, even if they raise the baby together. I guess Santana is fine with him chasing other girls. Quinn realizes she should stay with Finn. Also, she was thinking of keeping her baby, but now is going to give it to Terri so Terri can pretend to have delivered it. I don’t want to get into that subplot because most episodes this season touch on that story and this review is too damn long as it is.

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The glee kids host the deaf glee club and perform a mash-up, another God damn mash-up. Does anyone else not enjoy the mash-ups? Don’t be shy. Raise your hand.

The deaf kids perform “Imagine” and are joined by the glee kids because this is one of those dumb, sappy, bullshit scenes that, watching in summer reruns, make me understand the people who hate this show. I love Glee, but I will never defend it, due to scenes like this.

It’s like how my favorite video game is Shenmue for the Sega Dreamcast. I enjoy it because it is silly and you get to go around town asking where to find sailors and you beat up two teenage girls. However, the game is very slow and the second half is mostly spent on a full time job on a forklift loading crates into a warehouse. Some people don’t like Shenmue because they think it is boring. I would say to those people: OK you have a point. It is both the best video game ever as well as the worst. Such as is Glee.

I also want to say that “Imagine” is the most over-rated song in the world. It’s not a bad song, not really, but if it was written by anyone other than John Lennon, hardly anyone would say they really like it. And anyone could have written “Imagine” it is not an impressive song in any way. People only hold it up high because a former Beatle wrote it, but look, most every song made by Lennon or McCartney after the Beatles broke up was pretty much blah. The only good post-Beatles music came from George Harrison. Back in high school, I read something from music website Glorious Noise about the song.

Had that song been done by anyone other than the brainy Beatle, the level of excoriation would cause this page to explode. Think only of the crescendo of the “You-hoo-hoo,” as though he’s thirsting for a chocolate beverage. Oh, sure, the right sentiment is hit, with the idea about no war and living in peace and harmony, but the same can be said of “Kumbya,” and that isn’t a particularly revered song unless you happen to be 14 and you are sitting around a campfire. If Barry Manilow had busted out with “Imagine,” it would have been considered sappier than “Mandy.” – Glorious Noise, May 12, 2002

I have a list of 200 songs released in the last decade that are better than “Imagine”. The list starts with “Seven Nation Army” and ends with “Fuck the Pain Away”.

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Will realizes he won’t be able to drive a child in his hotrod, because it was just a blue Batmobile with only one seat. Also, he has no idea how to fix a car. So, he traded it in for a mini-van. You don’t really need a mini-van when you only have one kid. Also, the mini-van has to be old because it has wood paneling. Will bought a used car. He says he used the money from selling the hotrod for the down payment on the mini-van. Just for the down payment? Will got ripped off.

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Rachel realizes that Kurt sabotaged her chance with Finn. And they both realize that Finn is not going to leave Quinn as long as he thinks she is carrying his baby. So, Finn will be with Quinn for the next three months.

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The show ends with the kids singing Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors”, a song from before the year 2005, which is always great to hear on this show. Word to the producers: I know you want to showcase a lot of contemporary music and the younger/stupider viewers aren’t always into old (i.e. pre-1995) songs, but songs made before 2005 are better than songs made after 2005. Actually, popular music has sucked pretty badly since 1995, so lighten up on music that came out after In Utero. It’s weird how the show is about 50% music from the past five years and 50% music from 1955-2005. Let’s hear some motherfucking Temptations.

Grade: D

Best Musical Number:

“Papa Don’t Preach” – Madonna. Performed by Quinn.

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

Outfit 111