Season 1 Episode 16
Airdate: April 27th, 2010
Porpoise of Life name: “Roller Disco One”
Issue of the Week: Body image
Sue gets right down to her villainy today. First, she tells Mercedes to lose ten pounds in a week, or be booted from Cheerios. Splits magazine will be sending a reporter to do a story on Sue, naming her the cheerleading coach of the last 2000 years ( I told you she was immortal), and she wants her team to look their best. Sue took a big chance adding a black person to her team, but having a fatty really threatens things. Sue also tells Kurt that he could lose some pounds as he has pear shaped hips but Sue is just jealous because Kurt has a better figure than any of the girls on the team, as well as better fashion, grooming and makeup skills. He looks hotter in his cheerleading uniform than any of the girls. I bet he’d look hotter in a girl’s uniform, too.
Oh shit did I think that or did I type that? Oh shit I typed that quit hit the delete button oh no my delete button is missing on my keyboard! Dang!
Mercedes asks Britney and Santana how they stay so thin and they tell her about Sue’s special liquid meal concoction. “I haven’t had a solid meal since 1987,” says Sue. She gets her nutrients from drinking the blood of virgins.
Sue has also banished glee club from the auditorium for the whole week because she is blackmailing the principal and can have her way. She can’t get Will fired; I guess Sue’s hold over the principal doesn’t go that far, but it’s just enough so she can make glee club miserable in little ways. For Sue, this is satisfactory. Glee club is pissed, but they do most of their singing in their classroom anyway, so this shouldn’t actually be a problem. But Will vows to find them a temporary rehearsal space.
Will goes to a disco roller rink to ask about renting the space for glee club. That makes no sense, but Will has this God damn disco obsession, which also doesn’t make any sense because he was in diapers when that culture died. I dunno, like, I liked grunge music in high school even though that was ten years or so after Kurt Cobain killed himself. Maybe Will is that way but with shitty music.
The rink is busy with girls who enjoy roller skating and their boyfriends who are just doing this to get some boob later on. Turns out the the rink is run by April Rhodes, the crazy drunk of a woman from “The Rhodes Not Taken.” She never made it to Branson, but instead met a elderly, rich strip mall owner at a bar and is now his mistress. She will let the glee club use the rink. She and Will do a duet to a Bruce Springsteen song that is not “Glory Days” so I was bored.
Also, Finn is upset that his mother has taken a shine to Kurt’s father, played by the amazing MIKE O’MALLEY. Kurt set them up because he has a crush on Finn and figures it will be easy to seduce him if they are step-brothers and share a bedroom. Kurt just wants to rape him. He sings a sentimental love song I do not recognize to Finn in the glee room, then we get a bit of Finn singing to his late father’s old recliner, which he holds near and dear to his heart. Not only is Kurt singing a love song to Finn, but Britney and Santana snuggle on each other’s shoulders. The entire Glee slashfiction community just got a great big collective girl boner from this scene.
Will needs to sublet his apartment now that Tina moved out, and April needs a place to stay, so she spends the night at Will’s to try it out. He wants her to sleep on the couch, but then they sing another duet to another song I don’t know and wind up in bed together. Fans will debate whether they had sex. I like to think they did and Will was open to April’s hardcore bondage suit fetish.
Finn, Kurt and their parents have dinner together. Finn doesn’t like this, but then he and Kurt’s dad, played by the hunky MIKE O’MALLEY, bond over their love of sports. But Kurt feels left out of the conversation because he is a foo-foo gay.
I like that every character MIKE O’MALLEY has ever played on TV has been as a blue collar sports fan. Not just on sitcoms, but the game shows he hosted. We all know about GUTS, the great adolescent sports competition he hosted on Nickelodeon from 1992-1995, but there was an earlier venture into Nick game show hosting, 1991’s Get the Picture. The rules were something like this: two teams of two kids each would answer trivia questions. Correct answers would be rewarded with money and the reveal of a section of a board. The first team to guess the object on the board would win somehow. It’s confusing and it’s been a while since I watched it. I didn’t have cable in 1991 and Nick never reran it later on because they were so embarrassed by how much it sucked. But it aired on Nick Gas for several years before Nick got rid of that channel to make room for a 24 hour
The-N TeenNick, because Lord knows what we need is more Degrassi and Nick Cannon on TV.
At the beginning of the show, during the introduce-the-contestants segment, Mike would read off the name of the player and his or her hobby. If that kid’s hobby was not sports, Mike would not hide his boredom and move on to the next kid. If the kid said he or she played a sport, Mike’s eyes would light up and he would immediately take a shine to the young athlete. The banter went like this:
Mike: On the Orange Team is Kevin. Now, Kevin, you like basketball, is that right?
Kevin: Yeah. I play forward at my junior high.
Mike: That’s awesome man! That’s fucking awesome. Who’s your favorite NBA player?
Kevin: Scottie Pippen.
Mike: Cool, man. He’s a forward, too. How do you like the Bulls? It looks like this’ll be there year.
Kevin: Yeah, I like the Bulls. Sure.
Mike: Super. Next we have Andy. It says here you like, um, crochet. So that’s, like, what the hell is that?
Andy: It’s similar to knitting, but only uses one loop instead of sewing, which utilizes two. Several of my blankets have won awards in craft shows.
Mike: Oh…your father must be so proud. On the Yellow team is Jeremy. And Jeremy is a black belt in Taekwondo. Fucking right!
Mike O’Malley fucking hated hosting that show. I was watching clips on Youtube, and getting a girl boner from a young MIKE O’MALLEY, and you can see how little he tried to hide his boredom with the job. Man, it was a horrible show. The kids often couldn’t get the answer and the final challenge was beyond pooptarded, and tended to feature Mike O’Malley yelling at the kids. The only decent part was the POWER SURGE!
Power Surges came out of fucking nowhere, man. The game would be tootin’ along at its normal, boring pace and then HOLY FUCK THERE’S LIGHTS FLASHING AND LOUD NOISES AND MIKE SHOUTING “POWER SURGE!” and if you had epilepsy you went into a seizure while your friends watched the Power Surge round. One team would have to stand on a platform and solve some puzzle in only 30 seconds cause IN POWER SURGE THE HEAT IS ON! Power Surge rocked the house, man. The whole show should have been the Power Surge, but a young Nickelodeon could never have afforded the electric bills. Half of Orlando went dark during the Power Surge because the electric utility couldn’t keep up with the sudden spike in demand.
Gladly, Get the Picture was cancelled at the end of its first year due to a lawsuit brought by the city of Orlando. Get the Picture sucked balls but at least it put MIKE O’MALLEY on Nick’s radar when GUTS rocked the world a year later. The Get the Picture would be reused for another game show for kids, Nick Arcade. But that, readers, is another story.
Fun fact, in 2008, I downloaded the audio of MIKE O’MALLEY yelling “Power Surge!” and made it the start up sound for my PC. That computer stopped working later that year.
OK, I think I’m supposed to be reviewing Glee here. Mercedes is on a starvation diet to lose those ten pounds. Artie and Tina want her to be happy with the way she is, but when she looks at them, all she sees is food. That’s not due to her hunger. That’s how fat people always see the world.
Mercedes faints. The nurse said her blood pressure was low, but I think it had to be her blood sugar that was low. Either the writers made a mistake or West McKinley has a poor nurse. Quinn is there to give her a pep talk about eating healthy and being proud of your body, because Quinn is on a redemption arc after getting pregnant and kicked off Cheerios. Quinn tells Mercedes that she used to starve herself too, but now needs to eat or her baby is going to wind up like Artie.
I’m glad Quinn suddenly became nice and told her that. The big sassy black girl is an important component of any campy teen comedy, and we need Mercedes.
Now that Kurt is threatened by his dad and Finn’s burgeoning friendship, he wants to end it. Finn does too, because he doesn’t want any man to be with his mom. I mean, their parents are happy together, but Kurt and Finn are teenagers so asking them to think about someone else’s happiness is a bit much.
Finn’s father died in the first Gulf War, so he kind of made this man a hero in his in his mind who he doesn’t want to see replaced. Finn’s father died in the first Gulf War, which would have to make Finn 19 at the very youngest, but don’t tell the school administration that. He just likes playing football and glee and dating minors and he never wants the fun to end.
Finn takes his dad’s ashes and threatens his mother to flush them down the toilet, because that is what she wants to do anyway. Finn’s mom gives Finn a passionate speech about wanting to be happy. Turns out, she has been sleeping with the urn for 18 years. OK, um, maybe it would be better for Kurt’s dad if he didn’t get together with her. But Finn wants his mom to be happy so he tries to get along with Kurt’s dad, played by the minty fresh MIKE O’MALLEY. They watch a basketball game together and Finn lets him set his beer on the stand where his dad’s ashes are kept, which kind of creeps out Kurt’s dad, but he rolls with it. But Kurt is still jealous of their bond. He watches Finn and his dad watch sports and is sad. Now his dad is going to have sex with Finn. That is how Kurt’s mind works.
A school assembly is assembled to show off Cheerios for the reporter who has come to write about Sue. It’s going to be a hard hitting investigation of her. Now Sue is worried. Mercedes steps out to begin singing a song, “Beautiful” by Christina Aguliera, because who didn’t see that one coming? The whole school stands with Mercedes in solidarity and upliftingness. Glee is so silly I love it.
Sue did not expect that and is afraid that this will lead to an anti-Sue story in Splits, but, when she meets with the reporter the next day, he expresses amazement that Cheerios has such diversity and a positive message. So Sue will get credit for Mercedes’ performance. Well, Sue was the one who made Mercedes feel bad about her body to begin with, so the song never would have happened without her.
Oh, also, April bought the auditorium for glee club. The old man she was cheating with died, and his wife paid her $2 million in hush money. Now they can rehearse in it right now instead of waiting until Monday. April sings another song I don’t recognize. The end.
Kinda fell flat. I dunno, I couldn’t really enjoy the story or the music or most of the jokes. April was way, way better in her first appearance. I think what happened (and this is common in TV) is that the cast and crew committed so much energy into their great big Madonna episode from last week that they didn’t have much left over to put into this episode. And I only knew one song. God, I need to step up my gay.
MIKE O’MALLEY brought his A game as he always does, but it was unfortunate the rest of the cast and crew didn’t give MIKE O’MALLEY the same respect. He needs to be a main character. I’m sure MIKE O’MALLEY isn’t just a skilled actor of the type Shakespeare wrote parts specifically for, who breathes life into and helps us relate to the working class every man he represents, but MIKE O’MALLEY is no doubt a more skilled singer and dancer than anyone on the show. You would never need to auto tune MIKE O’MALLEY’s singing anymore than you would need to auto tune the voice of a heavenly angel.
I’ve been thinking (as I often do while serving my weekends in county lockup) that the virgin problem in the school needs to be addressed. In the spirit of the Madonna episode, Glee needs a special David Lee Roth episode. I bet they are getting ready for one; that’s why “Hot For Teacher” wasn’t sung in that episode where Rachel had a crush on Will. There will be no virgins left at West McKinley High after the kids are exposed to “Jump”, “Just a Gigalo”, “Beautiful Girls”, “Unchained”, and “Yankee Rose” back to back to back. He should make a guest appearance as well. He is the only man sexy enough to melt Sue’s icy heart.
Best Musical Number:
That Song Kurt Sang To Finn – Probably originally by a chick. Performed by Kurt and Finn
Kurt’s Best Outfit: