Glee: 2.07 “The Substitute”

Season 2 Episode 7
Airdate: November 16, 2010

Here’s the dealy-o kids, Sue is the acting principal because she got that fat girl, who will soon join glee club and then never be seen again, to sneeze on Principal Figgins. He caught her type 2 diabetes and is out with the flu. Fats also sneezed on Will.

“Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher,” a sick Will says, “constant exposure to illness.” I thought that would be more an issue with elementary school teachers. Teenagers have pretty tough immune systems and don’t get sick all that often. 99% of the time a high-schooler is out sick, he is just faking it to get out of giving a presentation. I think the bigger risk for Will is constantly having to hide a chubby due to how the girls at this school dress.

Will hallucinates and sees the glee kids as little children. They look so adorable! Now I want a cartoon spinoff Glee Babies. Muppet Babies was an awesome show and way better than the Muppets in any other form. But I am biased because my first exposure to the non-Kermit Muppets was in Muppet Babies, so seeing them as adults and in felt form has always kind of bothered me.

Will goes home. Look at all the used up tissues covering his bed. Will went home and masturbated like he was 14 again.

Terri is there to take care of him and apply more Vaseline to his raw and worn out penis. Keep in mind, I’m writing this review almost two years later, so maybe my memory of season 2 isn’t correct, but were Will and Terri together at this time? I thought that they divorced last season. What is up, man?

Kurt and Mercedes are in line at the cafeteria. Mercedes wants Kurt to spend the day with her watching The Bodyguard. But Kurt says he has plans with Blaine, who he recently met. “Are you two going out?” Mercedes asks. “Because you need to come clean.” I thought Kurt was out by now. Why is the Glee timeline not at all like I remember it?

Mercedes is happy to see tater tots. Look at her; you only see a smile that wide on a girl that wide when she’s staring at her favorite food. Mercedes will go home and masturbate like she was 14 and it was the night before Thanksgiving.

Will’s substitute in Spanish class is Holly Holiday, played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Holly makes it her mission to be relevant to the youth, so her Spanish phrases are all about how crazy Lindsay Lohan is. I remember reading that Lindsay Lohan’s horrible white trash mother complained about these jokes.

Kurt asks Holly to sub in glee club, too. He saw her sing “Conjunction Junction” in his English class. The boy next to Kurt was impressed. “You smell homeless,” Kurt tells him. Wow, Kurt is a dick. Maybe the rest of the student body would treat him better if he didn’t insult every other kid in the school. And he seriously thought he could get elected class president?

Holly wants to be the “cool” glee teacher, so offers to take the kids to Taco Bell. Hey, that reminds me of when my middle school music teacher took us to Hardee’s. Back then it was the only fast food place in town. The long rumored McDonald’s was never built in the old Shell station. Instead, it became a lousy, stupid VA clinic.

Will usually selects the songs they sing (I don’t think that has been the case, but the kids and Holly says it’s so). We flash back to Will saying, “Come on guys, there’s got to be a Journey song we haven’t done yet.” That’s Glee making fun of itself, which used to make my job harder. But that was back when the show was good. Now the show sucks ass and I feel like I’m laughing at the special needs boy down the block. I mean, I laugh at him all the time, but kind of feel bad about every once and awhile.

Holly encourages the kids to choose the songs. Puck suggests “Forget You”.  Yes, the Cee Lo Green song “Fuck You”. Puck really calls it Forget You. Not even F-You, Forget You. I understand that they have to censor the title, but Puck seems to think that’s the song’s real title. Maybe he only buys CDs at Wal-mart and no one has told him that they censor the music they sell.

Holly leads the kids in the song. In addition to “fuck”, they turn “shit” into “shh…” and didn’t say “nigger”. I sent an angry letter to Fox over this.

Sue marches into the boys’ locker room and announces that she is disbanding the football team. But the football coach retorts by asking who will her beloved cheerleaders cheer for? Sue has been gotten there. Except cheer teams don’t win medals by cheering for football teams. I think the better reason to not disband the football team is 1) a principal can’t 2) this is a small town in the Midwest and they would lynch Sue for that.

Sue needs another cause to mark her two day old legacy as principal. She sees fat girls eating outside her office. Fat people eat all the time.

Will and Mike talk like a movie from the ‘30s. Will sings “Make ‘Em Laugh” and then Will wakes up in his bed. It was a dream of Will’s. I was going to joke that is was sexual fantasy, but it can’t be a sexual fantasy since he clearly drained out all his juice manually the other day.

Rachel is the only glee kid who does not like Holly Holiday. She goes to Will’s home and begs him to return. She wears a mask because of her weak Jew immune system.

Rachel warns Will that Sue is warming up to Holly. We then see Sue and Holly hitting it off and drinking wine. I don’t know anything about menstruation, so I will assume the tin foil on their heads have to do with their periods.

It’s lunch time again. Mercedes is jealous that Kurt has been spending so much time with Blaine. Wait…I thought Rachel was his hag. Kurt is so gay he has two fag hags.

OMG. The cheerleaders enter the cafeteria and remove all the tater tots under acting Principal Sue’s orders. Oh no! Look at the shock on Mercedes’ face. This is going to lead to trouble, big trouble. Has Sue ever seen Maury Povich? You DO NOT want to get a black woman angry. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby based The Incredible Hulk off a black woman they knew.

Holly talks to Rachel in the hallway. “Rachel, you suck!” says Holly. “Oh my God, you’re, like, a total drag.” Thank you! I mean, your movies are awful, Gwyneth Paltrow, but you’re right.

I should take that back. I don’t know if her movies are bad. Paltrow is a famous actress, but I have never seen one of her movies, as I avoid romantic comedies. Which makes her the Ryan Gosling of the ‘90s. I mainly know her from being made fun on Clerks: The Animated Series. I think she dated Ben Affleck around that time. Since Kevin Smith has a man crush on Ben Affleck, he wanted to take his girlfriend down a peg. Kevin Smith has bitter jealousy toward all of Affleck’s girlfriends. I have a theory that Jennifer Lopez broke up with Affleck because Kevin Smith kept stealing her underwear.

Back at Will’s place, Terri rubs Vick’s Vapor Rub on his back. This counts as a sex act for people over 35, kids. Enjoy your bodies while you got ‘em.

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