Season 2 Episode 2
Airdate: September 28, 2010
Porpoise of Life name: “Britney Episode”
Issue of the Week: Taking care of your teeth
Will wants the kids to sing more gay music from when he was a teenager. Kurt finally leads a revolt against constantly having to be Will’s proxy to relive his wasted youth and demands to sing Britney Spears. Yes, Kurt is that gay. Will is dead set against it, because by the time Britney came around in 1998, his life was already headed down the tubes and he doesn’t like to think back to then.
Most of the glee kids want to sing Britney. Rachel says they grew up with her. Are teens today really that into Britney Spears? Isn’t she too old for them? Because her first album came out when I was in middle school and she kicked me into puberty. And I’m about ten years older than these kids, who would have been barely in kindergarten at the time. I guess in that sense they did grow up with her then.
I don’t know. I don’t think you could get too many teenagers to admit to liking Britney Spears, I think the producers are confusing the nostalgia of the 20-something actors for how all Millenials must think. I’m pretty sure if you asked an actual teenager if they liked Britney Spears, they’d say, “No. Not really. Bitch is crazy.”
Like, the best analogy I can think of for my age group (born in the 80s) is Paula Abdul. She isn’t much of a singer either. When I was in middle and high school, I don’t think I could have found anyone who would say they liked her music. I kind of knew who she was, but her hits were well before my teen years, and I would have thought of her as washed up. Then I was more or less introduced to her through American Idol, where she quickly gained a reputation as a crazy mess. I assume that teenagers today think of Britney Spears the same way.
Note: Mariah Carey also went through a crazy spell when I was in middle/high school, but I won’t compare her to Britney because Mariah Carey can sing.
Back to the episode, Emma has a new boyfriend, a dentist played by John Stamos. He enters the room by proclaiming “Have mercy!” At least he does in my (wet) dreams. Dr. Jesse, DDS, complains about how kids today don’t care of their teeth. Most middle-aged adults complain about how kids are always texting or on the Myfacebookspace or changing their genders, so Dr. Jesse is cool in my book. He actual complains about something that matters.
Will invites Dr. Jesse to teach the glee kids about dental hygiene. Brittany, Rachel and Artie have poor teeth. Yes, that’s right, Rachel has a filthy mouth. A filthy, filthy mouth. Artie blames it on the fact that his bathroom mirror is too high for him to see. Except, you don’t really need a mirror to brush your teeth. Also, why haven’t his parents lowered the mirror in their bathroom for him? Artie’s parents must not be very attentive. Probably how he wound up in the wheelchair in the first place.
Dr. Jesse puts Brittany under dentist gas, and she has a dream where she sings “I’m a Slave 4 U.” She sings it better than Britney Spears, due to the improvements in Autotune technology since 2001.
Brittany wears three different costumes from Britney Spears videos. There is the snake outfit from when she danced to this song on the MTV Awards, the red catsuit from “Oops I Did it Again,” and a sparkly nude outfit from I don’t know where. I don’t know if you can tell by how much I am insulting her for her lack of talent, but I’m not much of a Britney Spears fan.
My question is: why are there little boys in the classroom? Was there a Britney video like that? I mean, you have a young woman in a red catsuit so maybe they…
You know what? This is hardly the most inappropriate thing you’ll see in this episode. Let’s move on.
Here’s another question: can someone tell me what is the deal with the Pacific-centered world map in the background? When I was in school, we had world maps that positioned the Atlantic or Americas in the middle, and I don’t think a school in Ohio is going to have a map that places the eastern United States on the far edge.
Are those maps common in California schools? I think this is one of those times when producers in Los Angeles assume the entire country is just like California and fail to make adjustments for regional differences. I hate that. If one of these characters ever refers to eating at Carl’s Jr, I swear to fucking God, I am so going to write an angry post on a fan board.
Of course John Stamos appears in her fantasy. She is a woman, after all. It’s not that John Stamos gets the pleasure of starring at a virtually naked 23-year-old woman; Heather Morris gets the privilege of John Stamos gazing upon her breasts. If she dies tomorrow, her life will have been complete.
This was in the episode, too.
The next day, Santana goes to the dentist with Brittany. They have their appointment at the same time, for some reason. Dr. Jesse puts them under the gas, and they have a shared fantasy where they re-enact that song Britney did with Madonna.
Hey, do you guys remember when Britney and Madonna kissed on the MTV Awards? It kind of pissed me off. If you remember, Christina Aguilera was also there and they sang “Like a Virgin.” Well, Christina sang. Britney really just sang-talked. It was ridiculous because that is when my young self first noticed the difference in talent level between Britney and Christina. Namely, only one of them has it. And then Madonna kissed Britney first. Bullocks. There’s no reason Christina Aguilera should ever get sloppy seconds. What’s even worse is they all sang Madonna’s horrible “Hollywood” song, the second worst song from her worst album (the worst song was the one where she tried to rap). Congratulations MTV, you made a girl-on-girl kiss gross. Fuck you.
Brittany goes to glee club the next day and wants to sing Britney. Will is still against it. Kurt just explodes on him, using words like “jeez” and “fricking” to express himself because this isn’t cable. Will is a Mormon so he doesn’t want swearing in the glee room and makes Kurt to sashay away to the principal’s office.
Will goes to the dentist, who tells gives Will to back off because Emma is his girl now. Dr. Jesse gives Will some candy. He is not a real dentist.
Rachel goes to the dentist right after Will. The knock-out gas makes her dream about re-enacting Britney’s first music video, “Oops I Did it Again.” She sings it really well, much better than Britney due to the fact that Rachel knows how to sing. I bet the reason that Rachel had to lose her voice when she tried to sing a Miley Cyrus song is because Rachel would have sang so much better that it would have been embarrassing to Miley Cyrus.
This is how you can tell whether a female Glee viewer is gay or straight. Have them watch this episode and note who they talk about. The straight girls will go, “OMG! John Stamos is sooooo sexy. He looks just like he did on Full House!” The lesbians will go, “OMG! Rachel Berry as Britney Spears. I need to change.”
Check out the abs on the brunette in green. She has an awesome six pack.
As much of a hack as Britney Spears is, this song takes me back. That opening beet (Duh-Duh-DUH-Duh) puts me right back in middle school. It’s the “Staying Alive” of my age group. It’s like, if you made a TV show about my time in middle school, you’d have to play the intro beet to “…Baby One More Time” when you change scenes. It’d be my Law & Order chime.
It’s a messed up song, though. I mean, the chorus is “hit me baby one more time” and I’ve always wondered how literal the song is. Is she really begging a guy to hit her? Britney’s whole first album is like this, it paints a picture of a woman who is incredibly needy and seeks out abusive relationships. Take another song from that album, “Sometimes”. Oh, the video looks so innocent, she’s dressed in white and the dancers form a heart shape. But here’s the chorus:
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I’m scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Why do you hide from your boyfriend Britney? Why are you scared of him? Did he hit you one more time?
I like the video for “Crazy” though, but mainly because it has Clarissa Darling herself, Melissa Joan Hart. The premise of that video, as near as I can tell, is that Britney is getting off her shift as a waitress, and her and her friends are going to dance the night away in a warehouse, which I think is the restaurant she works at. Clarissa is there, but she doesn’t dance, she spends all her time at the bar. Britney is out there dancing in unison with a bunch of other people and Clarissa is doing shots with strangers. Damn it Britney, your friend is an alcoholic. Why did you even invite her to the club?
Will wants to woo Emma away from Dr. Jesse. Give it up Will, you will never compete with his hair. Sorry. Will buys an expensive car just like the one Dr, Jesse owns, which in no way reflects on the size of his penis. Emma is not impressed. Also Will’s crazy ex-wife, Terri, scares Emma away by demanding Will return the car so he can afford alimony. Terri has a point. I don’t know how Will can afford a sports car when, just last year, he could only afford a 20-year-old van by paying installments.
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