Glee: 206 “Never Been Kissed”

Season 2 Episode 6
Airdate: November 9, 2010

Porpoise of Life name: “Kurt Falls in Love”
Issue of the Week: Gay prep school

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Finn and Twink boy are bathing in the locker room (not together, sadly) during football practice. Is that something football players do? They are not even a hottub. It’s just two metal tubs from 1880 that were filled with water via a bucket. I always wanted to get into my swimsuit, fix myself a margarita and get into one of the hottubs my college gym had for student-athletes to relax their sprained muscles. I’m not an athlete but I am trying to relax.

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The boys talk about how their girlfriends are not allowing them access to their sperm depositories. Twink boy is with Quinn and she has sworn off sex because she is a Christian. In case you forgot she is a Christian, the production team stuck a couple of Mary and Jesus statutes in this scene. It’s easy to forget since Quinn was only really a Christian for three episodes in the first season and then no longer one until this month.

“A little something-something always leads to something more,” Quinn warns Twink boy to get him to lay off. “I’ve been there. Remember?” No, he doesn’t because he wasn’t around last season. He doesn’t know Quinn got pregnant last year. If he found out, he’d be pissed off. “Now you’re locking that door?” Twink would yell. “Then why the hell am I even wasting my time with you? I could have any girl or boy in this town.”

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Twink needs a way to stop from messing up his pants while making out with Quinn. Finn, who is a premature ejaculator and dating Rachel (who makes you want to do nothing but ejaculate) advises his teammate to think about something not sexy in order to cool down during makeout time. Twink decides to think about Coach Bieste, the burly ladycoach of their secondary school’s American foot-ball squadron.

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Kurt is getting bullied by that one jock who always gives the glee kids a hard time. He keeps pushing Kurt into the lockers. He doesn’t force Kurt inside the lockers, he just shoves the merry lad. It’s actually better than getting a slushee in the face, but Kurt is still upset.

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The glee club has to prepare for Sectionals. Maybe they should have been preparing since the beginning of the school year, hey, didn’t hurt them last year. Will has the club divide into two teams for another boys vs. girls mash-up showdown like they did last year.

Kurt experiences more bullying. He talks to Will, who alters the rules of the mash-up competition so the girls will have to perform songs by men, and the boys will have to do chick songs. This was Will’s half-assed attempt to somehow help Kurt. Will sucks as a mentor. The boys react negatively to Kurt’s plans, which include much gayness. Kurt has an elaborate costume planning display. It’s not just fabulous, it’s FAB-U-LUS!!!

fabulous

I made this 6 years ago. You should hear the story behind it.

Later, Twink boy and Quinn are making out. To keep his underwear clean, he thinks of Coach Bieste and it cools him down.

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Puck is back. He was missing from the past two episodes due to being in juvenile hall, and viewers feared the producers fired the guy who plays him. My theory is the actor pointed out that this show never made any sense, so the producers suspended him. It would be sad if Puck was gone permanently, because Twink boy could never replace his abs.

Puck has to perform community service or else be sent back to juvie. Puck doesn’t want to pick up garbage along the highway, so he opts to spend time with Artie. Artie does not expect this.

Puck wheels Artie to that outdoor eating area. Puck’s scheme is to sing a song and have people put money in his guitar case. Puck and Artie sing a Bob Marley song. It doesn’t matter which one, every single Bob Marley song sounds exactly the same, exactly as awful. There’s only one Bob Marley song and he just re-recorded it a bunch of times under different titles. But the two boys make $300 in spare change. The kids assume since they like reggae music, they must be poor. Puck sees Artie looking at Britney and tells him to go after her. “It’s not that simple,” says Artie, she’s on top of the stairs. That’s an obstacle no Top 40 song can overcome.

Bob Marley sucks. His music sucks. It’s just awful and no one even really likes it. The only people who say they like Bob Marley are whites who don’t want to sound racist, and college kids who have never heard any of his songs and just associate him with smoking weed. And Jamaica, as a country, is a 2 out of 10.

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Kurt checks out the all boys prep school, whose glee club will be one of their competitors for Sectionals. They are called the Preppy Prancing Pansies and they are beloved by the student body. They perform an acappella version of “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. It’s awesome. Totally makes that Bob Marley song look like dog shit, though Bob Marley was doing that by himself thirty years before Glee. Glee does not do nearly enough acappella versions of songs. The acappella “Don’t Stop Believing” in episode 1 was used to promote the show way back when, but since then we’ve only gotten a few more.

Kurt is discovered as a spy. It’s cool though, he is not going to be harmed. These people are rich so they are much nicer than the people at his public school. The boy Kurt has been talking to is gay. I’ll name him Preppy, and he says that this school is very tolerate of boys who like to dance around the maypole. It would have to. There isn’t any easy way to tell who is gay when everyone here has a gay voice, for some reason. Plus, since there are no girls around, you kind of get the same situation here you’d have in a prison or 19th century British Navy ship, if you know what I am saying. Preppy informs Kurt that this school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. Every school does, it’s just that most schools don’t bother to ever enforce it. But this school doesn’t have a slushee machine, they have an expensive Swiss made espresso machine. The school has to be harder on bullying because those would burn your face off if thrown at you.

Anyway, Twink boy used the image of Coach Bieste in lingerie chopping meat to keep from going off in his pants the next time he made out with Quinn. Tina and Other Asian both try this technique when they are together. But it leads to trouble because Quinn thinks Twink boy has a crush on Bieste. Other Asian also thinks Tina likes Bieste. These kids are stupid.

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Puck and Artie get a date with Britney and Santana, thanks to Puck’s suave debonair. I like to think that Britney thinks she and Santana are a couple and Puck and Artie are the other couple. Gay date! Puck wants to dine and dash. But Artie pays the bill just as everyone else is at the door. Artie has ethics. Artie also has an awesome sweater. It has patches of a dude riding a horse. What kind of teenager wears that? A teenager hoping to get laid, that’s who. I bet Artie has several t-shirts with wolves on them.

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The next day, the girls perform their mash-up of male artists, Bon Jovi and the Rolling Stones. God, Bob Marley and Bon Jovi? If it wasn’t for Rachel in leather pants, I would turn this episode off right now.

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Sue calls Will to the auditorium where she sets off confetti cannons in celebration of Bieste quitting. Now the cheer team and glee club will get back the money that was taken from them to give to the football team. Because schools are so eager to take funds away from the football team.

What happened was, Will found about that some of he glee kids were thinking off Coach Bieste to cool off. The kids were getting kind of crazy because of it and giving the real Coach Bieste angry vibes. Will decides to tell her what his kids are doing. God, Will why did you tell her this? It if this was a scene from The Office it would be Michael telling Phyllis he does this with her and it would be super awkward! After Will told Bieste, Finn should have looked at the camera and bugged his eyes, so the viewers know what Will said was inappropriate.

And well, I’d have more to say about this, but I wasted so much time complaining about what a shithole Haiti is that I don’t have a lot of space to write about this episode. Yes, I have space constraints on the web, shut up your face.

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The jock is still bullying Kurt. Preppy told Kurt that he needs to stand up to bullies, so Kurt follows the jock into the locker room and yells at him. Quite unexpectedly, the jock kisses Kurt. Oh yeah, the football star is gay! No, not the blonde Twink boy, it’s that one meathead bully who might not have a name.

Later, Kurt and Preppy try to talk to the jock, but he refuses to listen and is going to be deep in the closet for a long time. Kurt tells Preppy that was his first kiss. Kurt has NEVER BEEN KISSED.

Puck is in trouble. His probation officer does not feel that getting Artie a date counts as community service. Puck will be sent back to juvie, if he does not do something else for community. Puck decides to run away. Artie tells him to just pick up garbage, Jeez. I think Artie and Puck are pals now.

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Will tries to ger Bieste to stay. She tells Will what the kids did hurt because Coach Bieste has NEVER BEEN KISSED.”I’m just a girl,” she says. She should have sang the No Doubt song, that would be sweet. Didn’t all the actors have to perform a song when they auditioned? Will takes one for the team and kisses her.

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The boys perform their mash-up (a Supremes song combined with a rap song I refuse to look up) in front of Coach Bieste and then give her a great big group hug. All is well.

You ask me, if the boys wanted to perform a girl song that was still hard, they could have gone with a girl-fronted rock band, like Heart or Aerosmith. That chick who sings for Aerosmoth and will judge American Idol, Stevie Tyler, is pretty hot for an old lady. She still has those sexy lips and thin little body. I can definitely see where Liv Tyler got her looks from. I hope when she becomes a judge for American Idol, instead of judging the contestants, she judges the actual show. “Fuck you, Ryan Seacreat you are stupid and short. Screw you, Randy, you are a disgrace to black people.”

Grade: B+

I received a couple of messages from people who accused Glee of ripping off Degrassi, since Riley was an angry closeted gay football player back in season 8. I tend to think that no one involved in Glee even knows Degrassi exists. Sure, they met Nina Dobrev when they filmed that skit for the Emmys, but I bet she lied and told them 90210 2 was her first TV series.

Also, I shall point out that Buffy the Vampire did the “star quarterback turns out to be a homosexual” story before either Glee or Degrassi. And Buffy did it in the 1990s, when the country was much more hostile to homosexuality. Back in the 90s, we had a president who signed into law a federal ban on same-sex marriage and gays in the military. Then there was the 00s, when we had a president who wanted a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Now in 2010, we have a president who is defending Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in court, even though he promised to look into repealing it at some unspecified time in the future. So we’ve progressed…kind of. Fuck.

Best Musical Number:

“Teenage Dream” – Katy Perry. Performed by the Preppy Prancing Pansies.

Kurt’s Artie’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 206