Glee: 214 “Blame It On the Alcohol”

Season 2 Episode 14
Airdate: February 22, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “Drinking”
Issue of the Week: Drinking

Figgins calls Will into his office. West McKinley High is experiencing an epidemic of students coming to school drunk and Figgins blames it on all the new pop music glorifying drinking. Somehow, Figgins thinks this fad in music only started in the last five years. In any case, Will has to solve it. Figgins is going to hold an assembly on underage drinking with guest speaker Kitty Dukakis (how many Glee fans know who she is?) and wants the glee club, New Directions, to sing a song about the dangers of binge drinking.

Sue has become the coach of New Directions’ rival, Oral Intensity, after she pushed the former coach down the stairs, twice. Now Sue is definitely going to destroy glee club this time. And possibly a second club. Bonus!

Meanwhile, Rachel tries to sing a song she wrote to Finn because Finn likes Quinn but Rachel wants in with Finn and have him throw Quinn into a trash bin for the win. But I don’t care. This show has had just about every boy in glee club date every girl in glee club, so it’s hard to give an F about any of their relationships.

Rachel’s song was awful. There is an ongoing storyline this season about the glee club possibly performing an original song, and the producers have promised this would occur later in the season.

The a-holes in our forum love Community and are aghast that I’ve only seen one episode, the paintball one. It was pretty good, I guess. They took a few digs at Glee in that episode, mainly how the glee club never sings their own songs. I wonder if that got under the skin of Glee producers. If I was running Glee, I would respond, “Hey, Community, how are your ratings? You guys crack into the Nielson Top 100, yet? Haha. Have fun trying not to get cancelled while you’re on against The Big Bang Theory. That’s a hugely popular show. Hey, did you know we were beating Lost in our timeslot last year? Gotta go now and count all the hundreds of millions of dollars this show is bringing in. Later losers.”

Anyway, Rachel decides that she needs experience with alcohol in order to sing about the dangers of it. Since she has never drank before, she invites the glee club over to her place for a shing-ding. The glee kids are reluctant to attend because they hate Rachel. However, they love free booze.

Finn says he only was attending because Kurt blackmailed him after seeing his browser history. I wonder what Finn was looking at online that was so bad. It reminds me of the one time I let my college dormmate use my computer and he saw all how often I typed in the search string Misty+artwork+lingerie+”riding squirtle”. He moved out two days later.

Rachel hosts the party in her basement. Is it weird that I found her party dress, which is just a nightgown from 1880, sexy? Because Rachel is Rachel, she has decided that everyone will get two wine coolers. The kids think this is lame and plan to leave. Not all of them, though. Santana and Twink boy are making out and Fat Bottomed Girl is enjoying watching them.

“No one’s going to get buzzed over two wine coolers,” Puck tells Rachel. I’m pretty sure your average 16-year-old could. Puck just wants an excuse to break into Rachel’s dads’ liquor cabinet. And he does.

I don’t know. I think Rachel’s set up is a fine way to spend a Friday night in high school. I mean, part of the reason That 70’s Show was the best teen show ever was because it was so realistic like that. Most teen shows have the characters go through all sorts of crazy drama and wild parties and adventures on the weekends. But That 70’s Show was the only show where the kids spent most of their time just hanging around a friend’s house with not much else to do, which is really how most teenagers spend their lives.

With everyone drunk, the party gets wild. Finn is the sole designated driver in a party full of drunk teenagers which is its own level of hell…

…unless you are a date rapist. Then it’s heaven.

There is a game of spin the bottle. Rachel kisses Blaine and then they sing a duet of “Don’t You Want Me” the most 80s that an 80s song can get without actually sucking.

The next morning, Kurt’s dad, played by the magnificent MIKE O’MALLEY, enters Kurt’s room to see Blaine in his son’s bed. Oh my!

At school Monday, the glee kids are still hung over. Really…I think just two wine coolers would have been far too much for them. Artie serves the kids Bloody Marys in a thermos, telling them it’s a hangover cure. Is that for real or just something teenagers think is true? How is more alcohol a hangover cure?

I had a Bloody Mary once in my life. It was during college and I was in a bar with a bunch of people I had never drank with before and were not actually my friends. I ordered a Bloody Mary because I never had one and it was really cheap. I had a really hard time getting it down because tomato juice is gross. Everyone thought I was a lightweight who never drinks, which could not have been furthur from the truth. I’m just not used to drinking when other people are around.

Artie leads the glee kids in singing the Jamie Foxx song this episode is named after. Will likes it, but thinks the song celebrates alcohol. Quinn points out the hypocrisy of adults telling teenagers to abstain from alcohol when adults drink all the time and don’t get into trouble. Will tells them to shut up.

So, Rachel is in her room. I am not sure what she is drinking. It could be wine, or it could merely be sparking grape juice. A few years ago, my mom went through this brief and weird phase where she kept buying sparking grape juice. At this point, I was the only one of my siblings who was over 21, so I think she wanted to have something non-alcohlic we could drink and spend time with her. She forgot the part where none of us enjoy being around her.

Rachel calls Blaine and asks him on a date. Blaine accepts, which shocks Kurt. Blaine is supposed to be gay, but says he kind of liked the kiss he shared with her, and thinks he may be bisexual. I approve of this couple. I think Rachel is the type of girl who should stick to dating safe, gay boys until she gets mature enough to handle a real boyfriend. Maybe when she’s 45 or 50.

Meanwhile, Beiste takes Will to a honkey tonk bar. Will gets up on the stage and sings a George Thorogood song. It’s the one about him being a loser drunk. All of George Thorogood’s songs are about that. I’m going to copy what I wrote in my Weird Al article from last year:

But getting high alone and not having any friends makes him no better than George Thorogood. You ever notice how all of George Thorogood’s songs are about how he is a lonely drunk who drove away all his friends? He tries to act all cool about it, but we all know he really is miserable inside. He drinks because he is lonely, and he is lonely because he drinks so much. George Thorogood leads a sad life.

I think it would have been cool if Will had gotten nervous, tried to sing a blues song, but lost the crowd, so he switched to theme from Rawhide. Also, Glee needs to do a Blues Brothers tribute episode already.

Kurt helps Rachel clean up the mess from the party and have a girl-to-girl chat. I guess they left the basement dirty for three or four days. Rachel talks about her date with Blaine, they went to a play or something and dressed up as characters. Yeah, Rachel should date gay boys, it suits her.

Beiste brings Will home. He is very drunk so decides to drink some more while he grades papers. He gives every student an A+. I thought it would have been great comedy if Will had knocked over his beer and it spilled onto all the papers he had to grade. Instead, he just drunk dials Emma.

Kurt’s dad, played by Barack Obama’s favorite actor, MIKE O’MALLEY, asks Kurt to get his permission next time he wants to bring a boy over for gay sleepy time. Kurt thinks his dad, played by the goddess Athena herself, MIKE O’MALLEY, is being homophobic. But Kurt’s dad, played by the definition of a female orgasm, MIKE O’MALLEY, says he wouldn’t want Finn to just bring a girl over, and he saw Brokeback Mountain. I like how the title of that movie has become a euphemism for gay sex.

It’s time for the assembly. The glee kids are nervous, so they drink to calm down. Their song choice is “TikTok” by Kesha (no Goddamn way am I going to spell anyone’s name with a dollar sign unless it’s George W. Bu$h. That’ll show him.). It is incredibly inappropriate, but so have all of the glee club’s other assemblies. Brittany sings lead on this song, the only other time she did was for a Britney Spears song. Brittany is the go-to-girl to sing songs by girls who can’t actually sing.

In middle and high school, we had to attend many anti-drug assemblies, which must have worked great considering how many alcoholics and druggies my school produced. I remember one presentation where instead of someone talking to us from the stage, there were three large projection screens set up. It was a movie that had different images on each screen, a lot of it was footage from Seinfeld, Friends and movies like Independence Day and Men in Black inter-spliced with anti-drug messages. It was made to appeal to children of the 90s who get bored easily. I was in middle school when Seinfeld ended so I wonder how long they kept using footage from that show after kids no longer knew what it was.

Here’s where my memory is fuzzy, I don’t know if this was for the assembly I just mentioned or a different one, but I definitely remember a certain song playing over the speakers as we were shuffling into the auditorium. You couldn’t hear it clearly over the noise of the kids getting to their seats, but I knew it was “Gigantic” by the Pixies. I had just started listening to 80s/90s alternative rock, so I was really excited. In case you don’t know, “Gigantic” is a song about a man with a big penis. That made me laugh. I tried to tell a friend about this, but he had no idea who the Pixies were.

I know a lot of our readers were teenagers during the turn of the century like I was, so if you had a school assembly that was in anyway like what I described, please email me so I know I am not making this up.

The performance ends when Brittany vomits onto Rachel. I wish more Glee songs ended like that. Then, other kids vomit. Also, Will actually drunk dialed Sue last night and she broadcasts the message over the school PA system. But Figgins thought that the vomiting sent a great message about the ugliness of alcohol and congratulates them. In the glee room, Will asks the kids to abstain from drinking at least until after Nationals, so they can be at their top game. Also, Blaine kisses Rachel, but doesn’t feel anything this time because he is sober and decides that he is firmly 100% gay. And that’s how you finish a review by a deadline.

Grade: A

Best Musical Number:

“Don’t You Want Me” – The Human League. Performed by Blaine and Rachel. Even though he is a supporting character, Blaine has been part of most of the best songs this season.