Glee: 218 “Born This Way”

Season 2 Episode 18
Airdate: April 26, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “Lady Gaga 2”
Issue of the Week: Glee can be really heavy handed

Glee episode 218

Cloud Strife

The Japanese idea of beauty

The glee kids are working on their choreography. Finn can’t dance and smacks Rachel in the Jew nose. I am unable feel sorry for Rachel. She’s been such a horrid bitch this season that I feel like it’s karma. While mending her broken nose, the doctor offers to give her a nose job to fix her Jewish face and Rachel considers it.

The glee kids react poorly to Rachel’s plan. Will points out that the operation will affect her singing, but Santana says everyone has something they’d like to change about themselves, such as Artie wanting to chop off his useless legs, and Tina wanting an eye de-slanting. It’s true. Tina is wearing blue eye contacts because she wants to be white. But all Asians do, it’s nothing to be ashamed about.

I base this off having watched literally minutes worth of anime, where the characters always have light hair and big round eyes. I also remember playing Final Fantasy VII, which had characters constantly remark upon how amazing Cloud’s blonde hair and blue eyes were. The Japanese are jealous of white people, which is why they make us the heroes of all their stories.

How would an eye de-slanting even make Tina look white? She’d still have a round, flat face. With round eyes, she’d just look like an Eskimo, and no one wants to be an Eskimo, those guys are the assholes of the Artic.

Tina justifies her contacts by saying there are not many Asian sex symbols. What is Tina talking about? There’s Lucy Liu and probably someone else. Tila Tequila comes to mind, but now that I think about it, I think Tila Tequila is doing everything she can to be Mexican, which is a big step down.

Meanwhile, Santana wants to be prom queen because she can tell Brittany to be her girlfriend by royal decree. At that moment, she realizes that Karofsky is a closeted gay. Her plan is to get Karofsky to be her prom date to win prom queen. I don’t know how that is a plan.

Glee episode 218

April O'Neil

My idea of beauty

Will wants the kids to accept their differences. He says that glee club is the only club that includes members from every race and clique on school. Well, except for the Toleranteers, who perform song and dance numbers at different school about showing tolerance for all people who are not straight, white men.

To encourage them, Will invites Emma to help the kids letterpress shirts with a trait they are insecure about. Emma kicks things off by throwing open her jacket and showing off a shirt with the word GINGER on it. Will thought she was going to have OCD written on her shirt, because this was somehow supposed to help Emma confront her mental health issues. I thought she was going to expose her breasts to the glee club. Maybe this is my born in the 80sness talking, but I find a yellow jacket on a red head incredibly sexy.

Meanwhile, Fat Bottomed Girl wants to win prom queen because the crown comes with a gift certificate to Baskin Robbins. She tells Puck that she used to be in toddler beauty pageants until she grew up and got fat and “no longer looked the part” according to the pageant people. The reason being she was still applying to toddler pageants when she was 14. It was hard to let go.

Glee episode 218

Quinn accompanies Rachel to the nose doctor. The doctor says he can create a photo comparison of what Rachel will look like with Quinn’s nose. The girls then sing TLC’s “Unpretty” mashed with “I Fell Pretty” from West Side Story. I must be the only Glee fan who hates mash-ups.

Glee does that annoying trope where the blonde girl is the pretty and popular one the brunette can’t be. It’s mind boggling that Rachel is so insecure next to Quinn. I’ve said it before: in the real world, Rachel would be the hottest girl in her school as well as a huge bitch.

Glee episode 218

Rachel shows the glee kids what she would look like with Quinn’s nose. The kids are horrified, but I am unable to tell the difference.

Tina talks about how she has the same disgust of her eyes that all Asians share, but she has learned to live with it. And if there are no Asian sex symbols out there, Tina plans to be one, which sounds like it will make an awesome future episode. Other Asian starts making out with her. I would say he has an Asian fetish, but I don’t think you can have an Asian fetish if you’re a Asian.

Glee episode 218

Back to Santana. She threatens to out Karofsky unless he agrees to be her prom date and apologize to the glee club. Karofsky tells the glee kids he is sorry and is trying to turn a new leaf. He and Santana stated an anti-bullying clubbed call the Bully Whips. This reminds me of when I started a branch of the Michigan Militia at my high school. It did not go over well. One of our members kept wanting to blow up a federal building, but the only federal building we had in town was the post office, and he didn’t know how to build a bomb. So we just drove around and knocked down mailboxes. That sure showed the New World Order.

When I was a kid, people on the news were always talking about how it was dangerous that instructions to make bombs were available on the internet. This was a big concern post-Columbine. I wanted to point out that trying to search for anything on the internet back then was impossible. No one could have possibly found where those instructions were located. Anyone who searched for “how to make a bomb” on Altavista would have gotten back results on 70s funk music.

Glee episode 218

Will, Karofsky and his dad, and Kurt and his dad Burt, played by the lion of the Senate, MIKE O’MALLEY, hold court in Principal Figgin’s office to decide if Kurt should return to West McKinley. Of course it is totally Burt’s decision. He sits at the head of discussion and all eyes are on him as he must decide if Karofsky lives or dies. Karofsky’s father pleads for mercy.

Mike O'Malley GUTS

You know what would be awesome? If MIKE O’MALLEY said “Do you have it?” in every episode. Like he could ask Kurt, “I know you want to go back to your old school, but do you have the courage to face the likes of Karofsky? Do you have it? Do you have the guts?” or just “I can’t find the vacuum. Do you have it?” I will squeal with delight if that happens.

Glee episode 218

Puck enters the girls bathroom to talk to Rachel about her nose. The other girls clear out to spread the news that Puck is the in ladies room, so a sex party is about to go down. Puck tells Rachel not to get a nose job because her big nose has been passed down through generations as a sign of survival of the Jewish people. That’s an interesting thing to say. I was taught in my church it was the mark of Cain.

Glee episode 218

Kurt returns to West McKinley. His glee friends celebrate at those big outdoor steps. Blaine and the Blainettes say goodbye to Kurt with song. I’m not sure what it’s called. I looked at the song list for this episode, but I can’t tell which it is because I don’t know any of the other songs from this episode. After the commercial break, Kurt sings a song, which may have been the song Blaine had just sung.

I think I understand how the other kids in this school must feel to see the glee kids break into songs randomly. In my freshman year of college, I had to walk past the chapel to get from my dorm to classes. The chapel is where the music program was located. So sometimes while I would walk to class, someone would be outside the chapel singing. I used to get frightened thinking I had stumbled into a musical, so I’d throw rocks at the singer and run away. I don’t know why I like this show so much when I appear to hate music so much.

Glee episode 218

Fat Bottomed Girl thinks she has a plan to knock Quinn out of the running for prom queen. She did some snooping around and dug up some dirt on Quinn. In middle school, Quinn’s name was Lucy and she was a fat brunette. Oh my God a brunette!!! Eww! This would be the time when other viewers would lie and say Quinn looked better before, but I am not one of those people, or nice. FBG posts the photo in the hallway, so now everyone can see that Quinn looked less attractive at 12 than she does now at 17.

Glee episode 218

Puck takes Rachel to the mall. The glee kids want to inspire her to be proud of her nose like Barbra Streisand is proud of hers. Kurt says, “Barbra refused to believe that beauty could only be defined by the blond, chiseled faces of Hitchcock’s movies”. Wait, wasn’t Barbra Streisand blonde and chiseled back in the day?

What the fuck, Kurt?

Everyone at the mall breaks out into dancing to a techno song that’s like “doop zoop laser laser plunk Barbra Streisand.” Maybe it’s a Barbra Streisand song. I don’t listen to Barbra Streisand since I am not a 50 year old gay Jew.

Glee episode 218

Quinn feels like her chances of winning prom queen are shattered now that everyone knows she used to not be hot when she was in the 7th grade. But Quinn’s popularity has in fact soared now the fat girls can look up to her as a success story. Fat Bottomed Girl admits she was wrong to post that picture and Quinn says FBG should be proud for being true to herself. I’ve lost count of how many times Quinn has given that same speech to Mercedes. I think it’s a stock speech she has memorized to give to fat girls because she is afraid they will sit on her head.

Glee episode 218

The glee kids all have their homemade t-shirts on. Will arrives and throws open his jacket, showing the kids his boobs. The kids are fascinated/horrified to see his manly forest of fur.

Glee episode 218

The kids end the episode by singing “Express Yourself” by Madonna, but with different lyrics.

Grade: C-

This episode was an hour and a half long, but didn’t need to be. When I watched it online, it was only 57 minutes. I saved a half hour of my life by not watching the commercials. I assumed this was going to be a special Lady Gaga episode (even though the show already did one) but it wasn’t. Good.

On the subject of accepting yourself, my cousin had an assignment in his first grade class where kids colored in rainbows with the color of their skin, eyes, and hair. I think it was supposed to show the kids how they are all as beautiful as rainbows, or whatever self-esteem building bullshit is in vogue today. But it means the black kids end up with brown rainbows. The kids with blonde hair and blue eyes will have the prettiest rainbows. Who the hell came up with that assignment? It must have been copied from a racist activity book from 1929.

Rainbows

Look students. The prettiest children have the prettiest rainbows! They get ice cream!

Best Musical Number:

“Unpretty” – TLC. Performed by Rachel and Quinn

Kurt’s Quinn’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 218

Why wasn’t Kurt wearing this?