Glee: 220 “Prom Queen”

Season 2 Episode 20
Airdate: May 10, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “Prom”
Issue of the Week: Prom

Prom is coming up and the glee kids are divided in between those who are excited because they are running for prom queen or king and those who hate prom and aren’t going. Principal Figgins is forcing the glee club to provide the music after Great White cancelled. That’s a lot of work for glee club. Just get a DJ. Or some speakers and a iPod.

Kurt asks Blaine to prom, but Blaine is reluctant to go. He says back in his old school, he asked another gay boy to a dance and then three guys beat them up. Right in the school parking lot. How was anyone able beat up Blaine? I imagine if three guys attacked him, he would simply melt them with his million dollar smile.

Twink boy doesn’t want to go to prom either because he is poor and poor people aren’t allowed into prom. Rachel and Mercedes say they will go with him together and loan him $20 for prom stuff. Just give him the fucking twenty. The plan is to save money by borrowing a parent’s car and eating at a chain restaurant. That sounds like how most kids do prom.

The girls show off their prom gowns to Kurt to get his gayvice. He gives a thumbs down to FBG’s dress, but I like it. It reminds me of Beauty and the Beast. That movie rocked. Did any of you ever wonder how Beast’s servants felt about the whole situation? If I was one of the servants who got turned into clock or a teacup, I’d be pissed at Beast. I wasn’t the one who was rude to that witch, but I’m the one who has to pay for it. Beast didn’t even make out so bad, comparatively. So he’s a bison now, big deal. He still has his arms and legs, plus he’s now super strong. If anything, Beast is better off. Unlike everyone else in the castle, he can still have sex. Meanwhile, I’m spending the rest of my life as a damn clock just because some moody witch was on the rag one night.

Anyway, the girls are in Kurt’s basement. Does the dress store let you take gowns out to get your gay friend’s opinion before you buy them?

Santana wants to get some sympathy votes for prom queen, so she tells Kurt that she will provide security for him from the gay bashers, who want to bash Kurt’s gayness good, even though Kurt has never had to deal with that before. I mean, he has had slushees thrown at him, but so has every other glee kid.

Rachel is rehearsing her song for prom, when who should she meet but Jesse St. James, her former lover. Their relationship ended in a huge mess when he threw a bunch of eggs at her. Rachel and Jesse sing a song together and then he apologies. It appears that Jesse is at peace with himself after he came out of the closet. Good for him. Rachel invites him to be part of her prom gang.

Jesse is gay, shutup it’s true. Look, I know that Glee is an incredibly gay show, but no straight boy–not even one who does show choir–is wearing a leather jacket with a neck wrap thingy. Or maybe they do, I don’t know. I just hate people who sing and dance. I’m going to go eat a muffin and come back to this review later.

Last week, Brittany broke up with Artie after he called her stupid. Artie wants her back, mainly, I suspect, because he knows she is bi. But she refuses to go to the prom with him and will be happily flying solo.

Artie tries to win the girl back by serenading her with a Stevie Wonder song in home ec. Mercedes is like, “I thought this was a song about a baby.” Who cares? Every Stevie Wonder song is about how beautiful a girl is. How the fuck would he even know?

Brittany turns Artie down. She wants to go to prom alone because then she can dance with everyone else’s date. Poor Artie can’t even walk out of the room with his head held high.

Kurt’s got a little Captain in him. You know those Captain Morgan commercials that have various people posing like the Captain logo as a voice announces they each have “a little Captain in them”? A few years ago, my friends pointed out that it meant those people were all drunk on the job. So that dental assistant literally has rum in her.

Kurt’s dad, played by the man who shot bin Laden, MIKE O’MALLEY, does not like that his son will be wearing a kilt to the prom. I thought it was alright for a guy to wear a kilt. Maybe Kurt’s really wearing a Catholic school girl’s skirt? I don’t know why wearing a kilt could be considered gay. Every Scottish guy I ever met hated gay people. Kurt should just say it’s a Scottish pride thing. Is Hummel a Scottish name?. Kurt’s dad, played by a man Donald Trump thinks is really talented, MIKE O’MALLEY, points out that Kurt is just seeking attention. Truer words have never been spoken before on Glee.

Maybe Kurt can be like those young Scottish-American men who try to wear full Scottish clan outfits to school. Remember that brief little clip in Bowling for Columbine where the kid got expelled for going to school in traditional Scottish garb, which included a knife. And this was to show us how schools are over reacting post-Columbine, because they don’t want a kid who wants to dress like a character from Braveheart to carry around a knife in school. It ain’t no butter knife, neither, it a killin’ knife.

I chose to follow their lead by carrying a Viking helmet and battle axe around campus. The school told me to stop, but I accused them of discriminating against my Nordic heritage. I even got power lawyer Gloria Allred to represent me, but she dropped me as a client after I burnt down her dwelling and ran off with her sheep.

It’s prom night. Rachel, Mercedes, Twink boy and Jesse have pre-prom dinner at Quiznos Breadstix. Finn and Quinn see them there because this is the only sit down restaurant in town, so all the kids would be here. Finn is jealous that Rachel is now with Jesse and tension fills the restaurant, but I don’t care. I’ve said it before: it’s impossible to give a damn about this Rachel-and-Finn-will-they-or-won’t-they story, or most couples on Glee. The only two couples who have any chemistry at all are Puck/Rachel and Brittany/Santana. Oh no, will Finn chose Rachel or Quinn? Who cares, he doesn’t even seem to like either of them. Finn should try hooking up with Becky for a change, or is that technically statutory rape?

Mercedes tells Finn and Quinn to leave the restaurant, so they do. Either they had reservations at another place and just came to Breadstix to bug Rachel, or they are not going to be able to eat dinner now.

At prom, Artie, Puck and Twink sing a song I never heard of. It’s about the weekend and being done with work. I agree with Johnny’s sentiment that those songs are annoying when every job I’ve ever had involved working on the weekend.

Then there is a commercial break. At least there would be if I hadn’t set Firefox to block ads on Hulu. Screw you, Fox, for thinking you could make money online.

Twink boy offers to dance with Mercedes. Mercedes is touched, but he did come to the prom with her. Did they not expect to dance together?

Puck and Artie have a plan to spike the punch. Sue catches Artie in the act because he couldn’t have been more obvious about it. Sue wheels him to her office, where Artie eventually confesses that he spiked the punch with lemonade. Sue calls Artie a loser and tells him to return to prom.

Finn watches Rachel dance with Jesse and gets mad. Come on man, you didn’t go with her. She needs someone to be her date. I seriously think Finn wanted Rachel to be sad and alone at prom. Finn starts a fight with Jesse and Sue kicks them both out. I think Sue can finally make a case to disband glee club. They are the kids who are causing 100% of the trouble at prom.

Anyway, Karofsky wins prom king. And in a shocker, Kurt wins prom queen, even though he was not running. That’s sort of offensive. I thought Glee was going to have Kurt merrily skip onto stage and sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” but they actually did the not dumb thing for once and had Kurt run away instead.

Now everyone is peed off. Peed off big time. Kurt feels like the kids were making fun of him for being a foo-foo gay. Blaine tries to console him. Really, kids only vote for the person they really like for prom queen. I think Kurt is really popular but tries to pretend his isn’t. I take it that the students all agree with me when I said last season that Kurt is prettier than any actual girl in this school. I stand by that statement as it is clear I have been proven right.

Rachel follows an upset Quinn into the ladies room. Quinn slaps her. Which I enjoyed very much. Rachel needed to be slapped for a long.

In another room, Brittany consoles Santana, who says “I’ve been an outsider my whole life.” No you haven’t. You were a cheerleader until a month ago. Humiliated by the defeat, Santana vows, “As soon as we get to New York I’m bailing to live in a lesbian colony, or Tribeca.” I don’t get the joke, as I don’t know what Tribeca is. Is that a gay area? People who don’t live in New York or work in the television industry don’t understand New York City in jokes.

Kurt dries his eyes and accepts his crown. Now Karofsky and Kurt will have to share a dance. I bet the whole school knows Karofsky is gay. He’s not fooling anyone. The student body must be familiar with all those high schools that have elected gay couples prom king and queen in recent years, and probably think they are doing the boys a favor by getting them together. Looks like the class of 2013 is playing matchmaker!

Either that or Glee‘s very gay creator, Ryan Murphy, always wished he was crowned prom queen when he was in high school and is living vicariously through Kurt again. We all agree that Murphy is using Kurt to Mary Sue himself into the Glee universe, right?

Karofsky refuses to dance with Kurt so Blaine steps in as Mercedes and Santana sing “Dancing Queen.” God, that is gay.

Grade: F

The prom was the perfect chance for Puck to whip out his electric guitar and play “Johnny Be Good”. I can’t believe they didn’t do that! Which is why I give this otherwise fine episode an F.

Best Musical Number:

“Dancing Queen” – ABBA. Performed by Mercedes and Santana

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 220