Season 2 Episode 21
Airdate: May 17, 2011
Porpoise of Life name: “Funeral”
Issue of the Week: Funerals
Jesse is a consultant for glee club now. So he is not in his glee club anymore? I think they said he graduated high school last year. And he went to another high school. But even with that in mind, this doesn’t make any sense.
Sue and Terri are still trying to sabotage glee club. Sue wants to have their flight to New York sent to Libya instead, where she hopes they will be killed, or kidnapped and then killed. To change the travel plans, they have to go into Principal Figgins’ email account. They guess his password and sign into AOL Mail, but then we see that the account’s interface is clearly Gmail. I’m going to assume AOL is just ripping off Gmail. Copying Google is how you run a major website these days. It’s like when every search engine’s homepage went from being a portal crowded with news headlines and stock quotes to a simple page that was just their search box and logo against a white background, because it’s easier to copy Google’s look than actually return good search results
Since I hate this episode and don’t want to review it, I’m going to take a moment to rant about how bad search engines were when I was a teenager. Before I found Google, the internet was useless to me because Alta Vista, Excite, Lycos, and Ask Jeeves were useless. Ask Jeeves was by far the stupidest. In case you don’t remember, it billed itself in its commercials as the search engine where were able to type in complete sentences and it would provide the answer to your question. In reality, Ask Jeeves worked nothing like that and would never answer your question. They should have been sued. It actually worked just like any other search engine (poorly) but tried to cater to people who found the internet confusing and didn’t really understand how to use a search string. I remember it was the only search engine my mom used.
A typical futile Ask Jeeves search went like this:
“Where can I find a good recipe for lasagna?”
“Where can I find a recipe for lasagna?”
“No not Garfield. I want lasagna without Garfield.”
“lasagna no garfield”
“I said no garfield!”
“Please help me find a lasagna recipe! I’m hungry.”
“You dumb stupid computer if you don’t give me a lasagna recipe right now I am going to turn you off”
“Alyssa Milano Playboy”
Google’s results are based on a complex algorithm that ranks webpages based on how often other pages link to them. Before Google, most search engines based their results on how often the searched for word appeared on a page, which was awesome because it penalized you for using pronouns or synonyms on your web page.
They also heavily relied on something called meta keywords, which were words or phrases you wrote in the header of your website. Visitors couldn’t see them and websites don’t really use them anymore, but at the turn of the millennium, every guide I read on coding webpages stressed the absolute importance of including meta tags, or else search engines would never list your website. I hated writing them, especially since I had to write unique ones for each and every webpage on my little site, but I really wanted people to be able to find my comic about Bill Clinton getting divorced and moving to a beach house to pick up chicks.
If Boycott the Caf was around in 1999, here’s how our meta tags would look. Ingore the fact that Degrassi and Glee weren’t around back then:
<title>Boycott the Caf</title>
<meta name=”description” content=”a humor site reviewing shows such as degrassi, glee and boys meets world”>
<meta name=”keywords” content=”degrassi, degrassi the next generation, dtng, glee, watership down, spinner, spinner mason, television, tv, boy meets world, humor, humour, nickelodeon, nick, nintendo, nintendo games, super nintendo, snes, jessica alba, jessica alba naked, jessica alba nude, jessica alba beaver fur”>
You can see how relying on meta tags would be a horrible way to base a search engine, as they were frequently abused by less than honest websites. The guys who created Google became billionaires because they realized how dumb meta tags are. I feel like when I tell my grandkids stories about how primitive the web was in the year 2000, they are going to act like we were watching silent movies.
“Wait, why did anyone think people would want to buy pet food online? Who would want to wait a week for it to come in the the mail when you can just go to the store and get in immediately?”
“No one did. Everyone who saw those Pets.com commercials realized it was a dumb idea. Theit entire business plan revolved around a sock puppet. Now let me tell you about Myspace. It was the biggest website for like a year and a half. Hey where are you kids going? Get out of your hoverpod and sit your asses down. I’m not done with my boring stories.”
Let’s get back to the episode. Becky, the girls with Downs, and her mom ask Will to let her join glee club. Will tries to be polite and says that glee club is almost done this year, and then lies and says she can tryout next year. Maybe Becky can form her own glee club with the other kids in the Resource Room. They can call themselves the Handicappellas. I’m gong to give them that name for free since they could never come up with something that cool themselves.
Sue kicked Becky off the cheer team. Will tries to yell at Sue, but she takes it as seriously as a tiny dog barking at you from behind a window. Sue tells Will that her sister died yesterday, so Sue wants to make people as miserable as she feels or dead as her sister is. Her sister had Downs and lived in a nursing home. She died after chewing on a electric cord. Ha ha, I kid. She actually died of full blown Downs. I don’t actually know if people with Downs are dumber than average (the average person being quite dumb). The last time I saw a Downs person on TV was Corky from Life Goes On, and I barely remember that show as I was around 8. I think there were actually a bunch of young people with Down syndrome on that show. Weren’t there? The government better inspect the water supply in that town.
Life Goes On was the first show I ever snarked on. The internet was hardly around back then, so my only outlet was to complain to my parents while they watched it. My sense of humor was much less developed, so I only asked why that Corky kid looked so weird. “Because he’s a ginger,” my dad would tell me. “Gingers are all like that. It’s why Ireland is so poor.”
Finn and Kurt rally the glee club to help out at the funeral for Sue’s sister. The other kids are hesitant because they need to prepare for Nationals, but the kids better help Sue out, because until Sue feels better, your lives are in grave danger.
Jesse wants the glee kids to audition for the solo spot for their Nationals performance. The glee kids don’t like it, but I think it’s a pretty sensible idea. At least Rachel will have to tryout for once before she gets to sing lead on all the songs.
Santana sings “Back to Black” by Amy Winehouse, and then Kurt, Mercedes, and Rachel each sing songs I never heard of. Here’s my deal: I don’t really listen to any songs by black people who aren’t Jimi Hendrix, or soundtracks to musicals that aren’t The Blues Brothers.
Jesse is harsh on each singer. He criticizes Kurt for singing a song that is normally sung by a woman. Kurt replies that glee club got over having a person of one gender sing a song written for a singer of the opposite gender. Except when they change the gender of the subject of the song to make sure the lyrics are still heterosexual. So they aren’t actually over it, not by any means.
Jesse puts pressure on Will to choose Rachel, but Will buys some time by saying he needs a few days to think about it. Then we see him packing his things. I think Will is going to skip town. He realized he is in over his head by pitting the kids against each other, and is only going to make them madder if he chooses one. His plan is to hide out in a motel in Indiana and hope the kids forget he ever existed.
Finn and Kurt help Sue clean out her late sister’s room. Sue wants someone else to clean up the corner of the room her sister pooped in. “Jean, you need to go poo in the toilet,” the nurse would tell her, “That’s what it’s for.” “No! These are my poops! The toilet can’t eat them!”
The funeral is on! The glee kids sing “Pure Imagination” from Willy Wonka, which was Sue’s sister’s favorite song. Why would that be her favorite song when every song the Oompla Loompas sung was better? She definitely was mentally handicapped.
Afterward, Finn and Quinn talk in his pickup. He breaks up with her, because he really wants to be with Rachel. Quinn refused to accept this and says that next year, they will be prom king and queen. Does Quinn not know that seniors can’t run for prom king and queen? Or is the show acknowledging that these kids will be in high school forever? Anyway, Rachel and Jesse hook up, which leaves Finn out in the cold.
Sue lets Becky back into the cheer team, in fact she will be captain next year. Sue also informs Will that she will stop going after the glee club. Sue realized she took it to far when she wanted the kids dead. Will is shocked by this and also that Sue had their plane schedule to go to Libya. I am shocked that the glee club was going to take a plane to New York. Ohio isn’t that far away. I went to high school in Upper Michigan, and if any club had to go to New York City for an event, the school would have made them go by school bus. They would have gotten exactly one bathroom break.
The prom episode was good, but I jokingly gave it an F because Puck didn’t bust out to “Johnny Be Goode.” This episode deserves it’s F because it is actually bad. I wonder if this episode isn’t that good because the cast and crew put all their effort into the prom episode and then the big season finale in New York, and this episode got neglected by by having the misfortune of being wedged between them, like so many middle children.
Best Musical Number:
“Back in Black” – Amy Winehouse. Performed by Santana
Kurt’s Best Outfit:
This episode doesn’t deserve it. No KBO!