Glee: 222 “New York”

Season 2 Episode 22
Airdate: May 24, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “New York”
Issue of the Week: New York

Glee episode 222

The season finale opens with Rachel taking in the sights of New York City. Apparently New York City is one big commercial. Rachel reminds me of Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. I can see Tina Fey’s character standing in Times Square wearing that exact same outfit. Liz will be like, “This is when I start over in New York City, even though I’ve lived her for 13 years.” And then, like, a homeless guy pees on her. I don’t know, is that funny? Judging from the half finished spec script on my computer, writing for 30 Rock is really hard.

Rachel meets up with the rest of the glee kids, proud that she secured tickets to Cats. Quinn reminds her that Cats closed 11 years ago. Rachel says, “The guy did seem crazy. He charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt crack.” Oh, at least she didn’t get her credit card stolen.

How the hell would Rachel not know Cats has closed? Seriously. I have never been to New York and have no interest in Broadway, but even I knew that. And I only know about Cats because it was joke on every 90s sitcom or cartoon that had a episode where the characters took a trip to New York.

Glee episode 222

The glee club checks into their hotel. Will is their only chaperone, which basically means the kids have no chaperone. Mercedes tries to be all cool and says this:

Mercedes: Did you know that New York City was built right on top of old New York City?

Tina: I’m pretty sure that’s not true.

Mercedes: Oh I’m just pretty.

What the hell was that? I wish Tina would have shot back with, “Did you know the country’s largest slave market was four miles from here? Let’s go visit the spot.”

Will tells the kids they have to stay in their room until they write the songs they are going to sing at Nationals. They haven’t written their songs yet? What? Why didn’t they wrote it, like, two months ago? Or why not just sing “Loser Like Me” again?

Will steps out and sneaks away to April’s show, where he is supposed to have a part or something. I am going to spend as much time on Will’s story as the producers did this episode, which means I will move on at the end of this sentence.

Back at the hotel, Brittany performs song she wrote about her cup, as in the thing you drink water out of. It’s still better than 70% of the songs the kids have sung on this show.

The kids realize they need to go outside to be inspired. They head out and sing a mash up of Madonna’s song about New York and another song about New York that is from some old movie I will never watch because it doesn’t have explosions or titties.

Glee episode 222

Back at the hotel, Rachel tries to write a song, but the other girls and Kurt (the Kugirls) are having a sexy pillow fight.

Then we go back to Will, who is singing some song on a stage. It’s weird that he wants to be on the April Rhodes’ show but April isn’t in this episode at all. I don’t buy that the actress was too busy or the producers didn’t have the budget to hire her and bring her to NYC. I’m pretty sure Glee has the budget of about one Avatar movie per episode.

Glee episode 222

The other boys tell Finn that New York is the perfect place to get some boob from Rachel, so he surprises her with a date. They start at Central Park and then eat at that restaurant that has cartoons of famous people, where Rachel meets one of her Broadway idols. Wow, Finn’s going to bank at least ten rounds with her pussy thanks to this. Then the two of them take a romantic walk. They meet the remaining hetero boys, who are leaning against a wall just hanging out. I think they are thinking of something to do after they were kicked out of the city library for using the computers to look at porn.

The boys serenade the couple with that song from the date scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Kickass. I think I have my new favorite Glee song.

Finn and Rachel should have shared a plate of spaghetti.

At the end of the night, Rachel turns Finn down, saying she is with Jesse now. What the fuck? Rachel, dear, do you know how expensive that restaurant must have been for Finn? You’re going to have to at least let him touch something tonight, and then several more times back in Ohio. It’s the social contract. Rachel is so ungrateful. If a man took me on a date that ended with the The Lady and the Tramp song, I am not lying when I say I would give him carte blanche to do anything to me. And I don’t even like men. Hell, I’ll get pregnant for “The Bare Necessities”. It’s all possible with a little Disney magic.

The next morning, Kurt wakes up Rachel, telling her they are going to do Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I’m not clear on what that means as I have never seen the movie and the only Truman Capote books I own are the ones where someone gets murdered. Rachel tells him that she intends to move to New York after high school, but doesn’t think Finn would want to come with her. Wait, last night Rachel told Finn that she was going to stay with Jesse. Why would she care about Finn now? This is a fucking Degrassi sized plot hole.

Rachel says Finn is too much of country boy to move to the city. I don’t think we’ve ever seen anything to suggest that Finn would want to stay in small town. I think Rachel assumes that about Finn because he is sort of dumb. God, Rachel is such a bitch. Then Kurt and she sneak into some Broadway stage and sing a song. Whatever.

Glee episode 222

Santana is annoyed that Quinn is hogging the bathroom, because she wants to take Brittany in there to make out. Quinn breaks down crying about Finn breaking up with her. Santana and Brittany try to console her, and I know I wasn’t the only one wondering how Glee was going to be able to show on network TV the lesbian three way they were obviously leading to.

Quinn needs to move on. She can easily find someone better. Why do so many girls want to be with Finn? Finn’s a douche. And not even in the “oh he’s just a teenager, he’s not very mature” sense. No, it’s part of his personality. He’s one of those guys who is a douche at 17 and will be a douche at 47.

(OK, well I guess Finn being a douche explains why so many girls want to be with him.)

Glee episode 222

Will runs into Vocal Adrenaline’s coach, who wishes Will the best in getting onto Broadway then says he hates coaching glee club and hates his kids. Will realizes that he actually likes his kids and tells the VA coach, “I’ve watched them grow into mature young men and women.” Which member of glee club is mature again?

Will brings the kids pizza and tells him he has decided to stay on as their coach. He will not be performing in April’s play. Puck gives him a big hug, but I think that is because of the pizza.

Also Quinn suddenly has short hair.

Glee episode 222

It’s Nationals time. Only ten glee clubs out of the fifty here will advance to the next round.

The first club we see on stage is an all-female performance of “Yeah”, that Usher song. This is one of those songs that sounds really weird when it goes through the Kidz Bop filter of Glee.

Glee episode 222

Will talks to the Vocal Adrenaline coach. The VA coach says our heroes are going to lose because they wrote their songs the night before. This makes Will mad, but the man has a valid point.

Glee episode 222

Rachel hears someone throwing up in he girls bathroom and assumes it’s Santa. But it’s actually Sunshine, the Vocal Adrenaline kid we met in the season premiere. She says she is going back to the Philippines to escape the horror that is Vocal Adrenaline. Rachel tells her she has a gift and has to go sing.

So Sunshine goes on stage. I’m pretty sure this Sunshine girl is the only member of Vocal Adrenaline

Glee episode 222

While waiting to go on, Finn asks Rachel why she was begging him to be with her, but now that he is ready, she is not. It’s because you two are morons, that’s why.

The kids perform two new original songs, just like in that episode I haven’t reviewed yet. The first is a duet between Rachel and Finn. They end it with an unexpected kiss. The whole audience is silent, which goes to show that two teenagers making out in public are not as cute as they think they are.

Their next song is basically just a rip-off of “Loser Like Me.” They should have just done “Loser Like Me.” Then they’d had came to New York with a song ready and could have been rehearsed it more than eight hours before the big event.

The glee club did not make the top ten. Clubs that have been rehearsing their songs for months did. Surprise.

Glee episode 222

Back in Ohio, Kurt tells Blaine about their trip. He was disappointed about losing but enjoyed going to New York. Kurt says, “TSA agent who fondled my junk was pretty hot, as long as I didn’t smell him.”

Santana blames Rachel for the loss. She even made a Rachel voodoo doll, which actually resembles an outfit Rachel wore in season 1. Brittany tells Santana she loves her. But Santana isn’t ready to come out. I’m pretty sure everyone knows she’s gay, though.

Rachel and Finn talk. About what, I don’t know, I went to the bathroom. I was watching this on Hulu, but didn’t think it was worth pausing for.

Glee episode 222

The club is happy about their 12th place finish.

Also, Twink boy and Mercedes are a couple. Remember all the hints we got that they liked each other? Oh, we didn’t get any? Not a single scene in a previous episode to establish that they would become an item? They just hooked up randomly? No sir, that’s not the Glee I know.

Grade: D

In my review of “Funeral” I thought the reason that episode was poor was because the cast and crew had to put all their energy into the season finale. But then I watched the season finale and it is clear they did not. Well, maybe the cast did, but Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan don’t even seem to be be able to remember anything about this show unless it’s on the page of the script they are looking at right that moment they are filming it. Wow, Will was going to leave for Broadway for two whole minutes. God damn it Glee.

I think the best analogy to Glee are the Resident Evil movies. I thought of this as I was going to visit my grandfather’s grave on Memorial Day, and my mind logically went to thinking of zombies.

Remember how in the third RE movie, the world has turned into a complete desert–even the oceans, then in the fourth movie the world wasn’t a desert? I was halfway through the fourth Resident Evil before I realized it was a sequel and not a prequel. I guess we were supposed to forget a major aspect of the previous movie. Then we didn’t even see it when the heroes were forced to make their way out of the prison they were held up in, and through the zombie horde to reach the boat anchored off shore. One minute they are in the prison completely surrounded by zombies and the next scene they are on a boat like nothing happened in between. It’s just like Glee, except the enemy is zombies instead of homophobia.

Glee and Resident Evil are similar in that they are mostly a collection of scenes that look cool but have little if anything to do with other scenes in the production. The producers don’t care if the scenes barely form a cohesive story. If the viewer wants to figure out what was going on with what they just watched, they can go discuss it in the on the web.

Best Musical Number:

“Yeah” – Usher and Friends. Performed by BBB (Bitches Bound for Broadway) My name.

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

Glee episode 222

I like the suit. I don’t like the Vanilla Ice flat top, but I like the suit.