Season 3 Episode 7
Airdate: November 29, 2011
Porpoise of Life name: “Finn Teaches Santana How to be a Woman”
Issue of the Week: Santana is the bad guy for not wanting to be outed
This dumb episode opens in Principal Figgins’ office, where Santana is about to be suspended for slapping Finn in the previous episode, which will force her to miss Sectionals. Zero tolerance and all. When Santana asks why none of the students who throw shushies at the glee kids have ever been punished, Figgins replies that it is because a slushie is not a weapon according to school handbook, while a bitch slap is. Oh. I guess throwing someone against a locker isn’t banned in the handbook, either, because that happens an awful lot at this school, too.
I like how the Glee writers use the premise of this-show-is-a-musical-so-the-world-is-wacky as an excuse to ignore logic or continuity whenever they please. And by “like” I mean “look down on”.
Santana says she cannot be blamed for the slap because she was under the power of her Mr. Hyde personality, Snick, who comes out when her fierce Mexican temper reaches a boiling point or every Saturday night in the 90s from 8 to 10pm. Figgins does not buy that excuse. Santana should have pointed out that Finn is and always has been a huge colossal dick and had that slap coming for three years, but you would never hear that on Glee. The writers genuinely believe Finn is a good guy, and also probably want this show to only have one good season.
Finn claims the slap was just acting, which spares Santana from punishment. Santana is as surprised as all of us are that Finn did something nice for once, so she wants to know what’s up. Finn tells her that he wants her to rejoin glee club and has made it his mission to get Santana to come out. “I kind of feel bad for you,” Finn says and then lays out his terms:
It’s up to you. Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome or take a two week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.
That Finn, he’s such a swell fella!
In some sort of effort to help Santana, Finn proclaims it Lady Music Week at glee club and says it’s all about helping Santana accept herself as a gay. “So wait, I don’t even get a say in this?” Santana asks. No you don’t bitch. Now sit down, shutup, and let Finn take care of things.
Kurt and Blaine kick things off with a Pink song. Pink, she’s the ANTI-Britney Spears and says so in her songs WHICH OFTEN CONTAIN CURSE WORDS!!! Even though Britney and Pink are both young blonde women who sing pop songs for RCA, don’t you ever Goddamn dare think they are alike! It’s like how Ashlee Simpson is for kids who hate Jessica Simpson, and good music as well. Or how Taylor Swift is for people who want to hear a hot girl sing about never being the hot girl.
In the teacher’s lounge, Beiste chows on a Turducken, which is a chicken stuffed in duck stuffed in a turkey. That’s a real thing! I just learned about it last week over Thanksgiving. My step-mom and her brother (does that make him my step-uncle?) were talking about one day buying one together, as they are very expensive. It’s their big dream. Here in Michigan, most big dreams are meat based.
Back at the glee room, Puck sings a Melissa Etheridge song (the one that isn’t about a window) while gazing at Shelby. Quinn can see what is going on, so she offers Puck sex—not in the glee room of course, in the hallway—but Puck refuses and calls Quinn nuts.
Finn gives Santana another one of his many I-know-what’s-best-for-you-spiels. I ignored this one and it’s when I noticed that Santana has her ponytail tied on both ends like Applejack from My Little Pony. Santana is a lot like Applejack in that they are both loyal, hard workers from big families and the subject of large amounts of lesbian-themed fanart (hopefully never together, dear God).
Finn gets down on one knee and serenades Santana to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” but in ballad form, which is less fun than Finn leading a re-enactment of the video. This is what gives Santana the courage to be out and proud and the two hug.
OK, wow, Finn’s stupid plan worked. Like I said, the Glee writers don’t care if they make sense. The only part of this I can believe is that Finn would give Santana several lectures about how he is right to have outed her last week instead of just apologizing for it. Apologizing would be against his male ego! No, Finn has to insist again and again that it was really in her best interest and she just needs to be forced to see it. Ryan Murphy and Co. have made it very clear that Finn is never wrong, even when he contradicts himself.
Let’s head over to the gym, where it’s senior class president vote time. Kurt desperately wants to win so he can add it to his application to New York Acting School. But Brittany and a hockey player are running against him and Brit leads in the polls. due to her kickass campaign promises.
“If elected, I’ll have sugary treats available at all times. Helps with concentration. That’s what George Washington said.”
Here is how the glee seniors voted:
For Kurt – Finn, Kurt, Mercedes, Asian Mike, Rachel
For Brittany – Brittany, Quinn, Santana
For Ross Perot – Puck
And here’s how Santana marked her ballot:
No one is better at making .gifs than lesbians.
It’s the day of the Congressional election too, which is also held in the gym. This episode airs in November, so the writers somehow got the month correct. They are just off by one year. This must be a special election. Let’s assume the current House member for this district resigned after he was caught in a sex scandal with a monkey…a sexy, sexy monkey. Sue is running against Burt, played by the man who called James Bond a pussy, MIKE O’MALLEY. She stole the OSU recruiter from Beiste so they can pose for photographs together to appear heterosexual.
Beiste is sad and sings “Jolene” a Dolly Parton song famously covered by the White Stripes. Jack White is totally man enough to sing a song meant for a woman. He beats up male musicians wimpier than him.
Some obnoxious boy saw the attack ad that outs Santana and informs her that his wang can fix her. In Santana sisterly solidarity, all the glee girls sing “I Kissed a Girl”. And with that, Glee has covered every single song that Katy Perry has ever released. It’s bullshit when they haven’t even done one Neil Young song yet! If I was Ryan Murphy, I would require at least six Neil Young songs per episode. This would still make me far less crazy than the real Ryan Murphy.
By the way, did you see what Quinn did to Rachel during that song? Anyone who remembers Seinfeld knows that Quinn was making a pass at Rachel. Stop short, make a grab. Worked for Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.
After the song, Santana reports to the glee club that she came out to her parents and they were cool with it, as long as she remembers to send any photos or video to her uncle in Tijuana.
Right here was a commercial break, which I rarely noted in past reviews because I used to watch Glee on Hulu. But now Fox makes you wait eight days to see the latest episode, which forced me to turn to illicitly watching Glee on sites that were all in Chinese and set off McAfree. So, with no DVR, I am back to watching the episodes on TV on the day they air like some kind of caveman from 1998. Anyway, there was a commercial for Google Plus. Google needs to raise awareness for Google Plus in case anyone missed the big arrow that begs you to signup if you go to Google and don’t already have an account.
I changed the channel to A&E because they have turned into the 24/7 Storage Wars Network and I like watching people sort through piles of junk.
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