Season 3 Episode 10
Airdate: January 17, 2012
The episode kicks off with Mercedes (dressed blacker than ever) leading the girls, and Sam leading the boys in the Grease duet “Summer Nights”. Because they got together over the summer. It’s January now.
Kurt sits in with the girls as usual, while Blaine is with the fellas. This of course fits in with how we all imagine it when Kurt and Blaine have sex and Kurt magically grows a vagina. I mean, we all imagine that, right? Right? Come on, someone back me up here.
Damian and Sam are still on the show. So is Becky, the Downs girl, which surprised me the most, because I had no idea she could live this long. Becky gives us a voiceover in an English accent (provided by the elegant and talented Sir Helen Mirren). Becky tells us she has a crush on Artie. For real, she does. The reason, Becky says, is because he is “handicapable like me.” She said it so I don’t have to, because I certainly would have.
I approve of this crush. It’s the kind of funny-mean story we’d have seen in season 1, when Glee was still good.
Emma (backed by Sue and Bieste) sings the ‘60s song “Wedding Bell Blues” to Will, which was an obvious marriage proposal, but then Emma backtracks due to shyness, so Will takes it upon himself to propose to her. But he doesn’t do it right there. He forces the glee club to come up with an idea for him. “You guys are my family,” Will says to the kids, which is kind of sad.
Artie asks Sugar Water (dressed even blacker than Mercedes) out. She just laughs at him. Immediately after Artie is rejected, Becky comes running up and asks him out.
Since Artie just two seconds ago got the “oh dear, a retard just asked me on a date” blowoff, he has to be nice and say yes.
Sam wants to earn a Letterman to impress Mercedes, who is dating the black football player who has bullied Kurt a lot, but Mercedes is cool with him. The only team with any openings left is the synchronized swim team, which Finn tells Sam is about as low as glee club on the high school hierarchy.
As soon as he joins, Sam gets slusheed by the hockey team. They are the new kings of the school.
Artie shows Will his idea for how to propose to Emma. Emma already asked Will to marry her, but I guess we are going to ignore that. Artie sings and “dances” a mash up of “Moves Like Jagger” and “Jumpin Jack Flash”. This isn’t a wedding song, it isn’t even a love song. I bet the producers had the idea, “Hey, let’s mash up ‘Moves Like Jagger’ with a Stones song” for awhile now but had no idea which episode to use it in, so just stuck it here.
Will asks Finn to be his best man. “You taught me more about being a man than anyone I know,” says Will, which is a bizarre thing to say to someone twenty years younger than you. Also, when has Finn ever actually acted like a man? When he outed Santana against her wishes and refused to apologize? When he thought he had a direct line to God, but instead of praying for Burt to come out of his coma, prayed to touch Rachel’s boobs? When he convinced Quinn to leave Sam for him, and then told her he’d rather be with Rachel? Finn is a great example of a man if you have a low opinion of men.
Rachel starts off the girls’ song choice “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”. As each of the ladies sing their part, we see a flashback to them with their love: Rachel and Finn, Mercedes and Sam, the Asians, but the only pair we care about seeing is Brittany smile at Santana. Oh yeah, that’s just enough to string America’s lesbians along for another week. At the end of the song, Mercedes runs off crying because she knows she still loves Sam. But again, we only care about Brittany and Santana, so we’re moving on.
Will asks Emma’s parents for their blessing to marry her, but unfortunately, they refuse to grant it. Oh no! If this was eighty years ago, Will could totally not get married!
Artie took Becky on a date to Breadstix. The other glee kids cannot believe it and think it is messed up, because it is. Santana warns him, “That girl’s a sly conniving bitch”. Santana probably shouldn’t let it get out that Becky outsmarted her at some point. Artie accuses the glee club of being narrow minded and not accepting Becky. Artie is passionate about this because it is as far as he has ever gotten with a girl.
Note: I refuse to accept that Brittany and Artie had sex in “Duets”. Brittany probably just rubbed his belly. Artie counts it as losing his virginity because it’s as low as he has any feeling.
Meanwhile, Finn has decided to enlist in the army, like his Gulf War veteran father. Will assembles Emma, Finn’s mom, and Burt, played by the inventor of vaginas, MIKE O’MALLEY to talk about this with Finn. Finn wants to prove himself like his dad. “How can you really know until you get tested?” he asks them, which is a rule that applies to many, many things.
This is when Finn’s mom confesses that Finn’s dad did not die in the Gulf War like he was always told. Papa Hudson did serve in Iraq, but was dishonorably discharged and developed a drug addiction when he returned home. His addiction grew so bad that he abandoned his family and died in Cincinnati. Finn is shocked—SHOCKED!
This is the explanation I have been waiting for since we were told about Finn’s dad in season 1. Because the math never made sense. There is no way a Gulf War casualty could have a son in high school today. Finn would have to have been born in 1991, which would make him 21 in 2012. My theory back then was that Finn was a 22-year-old who just never wanted to leave high school.
Becky sent Artie a sexual text message (a “sext” in stupid people parlance) so Artie takes this to Sue. I had a feeling that Artie was only dating Becky out of fear of angering Sue. Sue thinks Artie should break up with Becky because Becky could do better. I cannot disagree.
We then go to the Will and Emma’s apartment. They still have their Christmas tree up. Will and Emma are going to be one of those couples who won’t have any kids but will dress up their cat in baby clothes. Emma is like, “Do you want to be married to me?” and Will is like, “Yes…but…”
Then Emma is like, “Yes, I do have physiological issues, but I’m still the best a man like you can do.” She pretty much does say that and it is true. Any wife who won’t fake a pregnancy is a step up for Will. Plus she’s John Stamos’ used goods. Any man would be proud to be married to that! I am not joking. A vagina John Stamos has been inside of is probably infused with magical powers. This applies to the actor as well as any on screen girlfriends of a character he plays.
Finn, Rachel and Kurt go to Breadstix and whine about how hard life is and how their dreams won’t come true. Rachel and Kurt may not get into New York music school and Finn’s dad is not a war hero. They cry about how the future doesn’t look so bright after high school. These lines are coming from actors who got their big break basically right out of high school on a TV show that made it to the top of the ratings on it’s first episode. Rachel sings a song, but I don’t care what it is. Blah…blah…blah being a teenager sucks.
Well, it’s time for Will to pop the question to Emma. The magic happens in the pool. With the synchronized swim team swimming around, New Directions, led by Rachel and Santana, performs the Rihanna song “We Found Love”. The kids jump into the pool. Or in Artie’s case, falls in and drowns.
Will appears in a white tuxedo and jumps into the water and swims toward Emma. This is a grand romantic gesture because there is no way Will can afford to damage that tuxedo rental. He’s going to have to get a night job at the 7/11 for the next two years to pay that off. He proposes and of course Emma says yes. She did asked Will to marry her twice already, after all.
This goes to show how far Will will go to make sure he, as the man, is the one who gets to make the marriage proposal.
The episode ends with Finn asking Rachel to marry him. Total shocker! Then we cut to black. We won’t know what Rachel says until the next episode. And that’s counting on Ryan Murphy and company to remember continuity. So 50/50 chance this won’t get brought up next episode.
“We Found Love” – Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris. Performed by New Directions
Pamphlets in Emma’s Office:
Kurt’s Sugar Matter’s Best Outfit: