Glee: 3.11 “Michael”

Season 3 Episode 11
Airdate: January 31, 2012

Porpoise of Life name: “Michael Jackson”
Issue of the Week: Glee Honors Michael Jackson

This episode gets right into it. “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” kicks off within the first 45 seconds. Which means this episode will be light on plot and heavy on songs. I don’t care for this particular song, though. I only like the Michael Jackson songs that Weird Al Yankovic has parodied. Also “Thriller”, but only the video. That song sucks on the radio but is kickass on TV.

After the song, Finn follows up with Rachel on that whole marriage proposal thing. You would have thought this episode would have began right back at that scene, since the previous episode ended abruptly on it. Maybe Rachel was like, “Oh gosh, I’ll give you an answer, but first I have to excuse myself to the ladies room.” Then she runs home. Finn waits in the auditorium all night. “Man, girls take forever in the bathroom.”

Rachel tells Finn she does want to marry him, but just not right now. She wants him to follow her to New York, where she will study theater and he will do whatever. He’ll be the Kramer to her Seinfeld.

“You’re right,” agrees Finn. “We shouldn’t make this kind of decision on a deadline. Just take a couple more days, OK?” That’s still a deadline, dumbass.

Over at the coffee shop, the glee kids are gushing over Michael Jackson. “When he did the Moonwalk across the stage,” says Artie, “I cried because that would never be me.”

Rachel is the only one who says she is not a fan, so everyone turns on her. “And we are no longer on speaking terms,” snaps Artie. Michael Jackson is turning Artie into a gay man.

The kids decide to perform Michael songs at Regionals. But just then, that preppy boy from Dalton who wanted to steal Blaine from Kurt enters. He says Dalton’s glee club (the Warblers) will be doing MJ songs for Regionals.

Santana is ready to kick his ass over this. “Unless you want to join your relatives in prison,” he warns, “that’s probably not the best idea.” He explains that his father is the State’s Attorney, so he can have a piñata delivered to her incarcerated relatives. I love this guy!

During glee club rehearsal or class or whatever this is, Will makes the lesson of the week Michael Jackson. He scribbles WWMJD on the whiteboard. What Would Michael Jackson Do?

Sleep with an 11 year old boy! I know I wasn’t the only one who thought of that joke. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he molested anyone. I just think he shared his bed with little boys in a completely non-sexual way. In fact, I bet he was a virgin until the day he died. He wasn’t a pedophile, he was just really, really weird.

The New Directions face the Dalton boys in a parking garage. Of course they sing “Bad”.

Preppy kid throws a slushee in Blaine’s face. Blaine drops to the ground in pain. Blaine is a wimp.

The next day in the glee room, we learn that Blaine is in the hospital from the slushee incident. Will cannot believe a slushee was able to hurt some that badly. The kids believe it must have contained small rocks. No, Blaine is a little girl, that’s the reason it hurt him so badly.

Will wants the kids to calm down and focus on Regionals. But Artie wants to vengeance. “Don’t give me any of that It Gets Better crap!” Artie yells to Will. Why does Artie care about Blaine so much all of the sudden? Artie really is turning gay.

Artie and Mike re-enact the video for “Scream”. This reminds me of when two boys in high school came up with the theory that the “Scream” music video was only made to prove to people that Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson were not the same person. But it was done with computers. You see, Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson are the same person. Michael created the persona of Janet in 1982. After the mega success of Off the Wall and Thriller, he had plateaued creatively and there was nowhere else to go as Michael Jackson. Becoming Janet Jackson in order to build a fresh music career was an experiment as an artist. Like when Stephen King would publish under a pseudonym.

I’ll give him credit, Michael Jackson was a musical genius. He had too much talent to limit himself to being just one person. Playing the nutty Michael and the less nutty Janet for thirty years makes Mozart look like a bitch. So it should be clear that Michael Jackson didn’t really die. He just retired the Michael character because it was getting too exhausting to be that weird all the time. He’s living as Janet full time now.

I know what you’re going to say. It’s what everyone says when I explain that Michael is Janet. You’re going to say, “No, Michael and Latoya Jackson are the same person. They look exactly alike.” But that’s completely ridiculous. If Michael was Latoya, she would have had a much more successful music career. Or a music career. Latoya is just some dude Michal paid to be his second sister to take the public’s attention away from Janet appearing out of nowhere. Unfortunately, the Latoya thing didn’t work out so well. Look at the facts: if either Janet or Latoya were real people, their father, Joe Jackson, would have forced them to be members of the Jackson 5, regardless of how young they would have been.

It also explains why Janet’s boob looked so gross when it was exposed on the Super Bowl (and had that weird metal thing over it). CBS got fined $550,000 by the FCC for a latex prop boob.

Rachel asks Quinn if she should marry Finn. Quinn knows what an asshole Finn is, so advises Rachel not to. Quinn also reveals she has been accepted into Yale. I hope next season doesn’t follow Quinn at Yale. Gilmore Girls wasn’t very good after Rory went to Yale. And Glee at its best is still worse than the worst episode of Gilmore Girls.

You can tell it's going to be a bad episode of The Gilmore Girls if Richard Gilmore has a mustache. I call them the mustache episodes.

You can tell it's going to be a bad episode of Gilmore Girls if Richard Gilmore has a mustache. I call these the mustache episodes.

Quinn advises Rachel to dump Finn and find a new boy when she is in theater school in New York City. I don’t think she’ll meet that many straight boys in theater school, but breaking up with Finn is still a good idea.  Seriously, fuck that selfish asshole. Quinn sings “Never Can Say Goodbye” while we see her with Puck and Finn and Sam, her former boyfriends who she said goodbye to.

Sam and Mercedes sing “Human Nature”. I don’t care about these two. Moving on…

Kurt got accepted to New York theater school. Rachel has not even received her letter yet.

Kurt, Finn and Rachel visits Blaine. My God, Blaine is lame. He is the only person is the world who doesn’t look cool with a pirate patch. The three sing “Ben” for Blaine. I wish they’d do the song from Free Willy. I know that song by heart as a kid because it was the beginning of the Free Willy VHS tape. Free Willy was the Shrek of my generation. I mean Shrek also came out when I was a kid, so I guess I can’t come up with a good analogy to Free Willy. Free Willy stands alone in its own cannon of great films.

Fuck Yeah

Fuck Yeah

Santana confronts Preppy and the other Warblers over the slushee attack. Santana wants him to admit that he added something dangerous. “What was it, huh” Santana asks, “glass, asphalt?” The glee kids still can’t admit that Blaine is just a crybaby who had to go to the hospital over a slushee.

Santana and Preppy duel. The song is “Smooth Criminal”. Preppy then admits that he added rock salt. I still maintain that there was nothing added to that slushee. Preppy just said that so they’d get off his back.

But Santana recorded that confession and takes it to the other glee kids. She wants to have him arrested, but Kurt says they cannot be focused on revenge. They have to beat Dalton on the stage. “If Michael went after all the haters,” Kurt says, “he never would have had time for all that amazing music.” By haters, Kurt means the people who had issue with him sleeping with little boys. I also dispute the idea that someone like Michael was capable of “going after” anyone.

The other kids leave the glee room so Finn and Rachel sing “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You”. Rachel says yes to marriage. I thought she already said yes.

The Warblers arrive in the West McKinley auditorium. The New Directions cede the Michael songs to them for Regionals. However, the New Directions kids are like, “You don’t understand Michael!” and then they sing “Black or White” because THEY DO UNDERSTAND MICHAEL!

Then the glee kids show the Dalton boys the tape, so they all know that Preppy meant to hurt Blaine. Take that rich kid! This is the first and only victory of the 99% movement.

Grade: B+

Glee’s plots have gotten stupider and stupider, so an episode where they don’t bother to have much of one in order to cram it full of songs is a good thing.

Best Song:

“Never Can Say Goodbye” – Jackson 5. Performed by Quinn

Kurt’s Best Outfit: