Glee: 3.12 “The Spanish Teacher”

Season 3 Episode 12
Airdate: February 7, 2012

Porpoise of Life name: “Mexican Episode”
Issue of the Week: Latino culture is rich and vibrant and Santana is easily offended

Will’s rendition of “La Cucaracha” in Spanish class does not go over well. The principal tells him that a student complained that it was offensive. I don’t see why. They sell those giant flashy hats all over Mexico. That’s probably where Will bought his outfit. The principal says there is an open tenure position and Will is up for consideration. But first he has to learn Spanish.

Will takes an adult education Spanish class. I thought he already knew Spanish. We’ve seen him speak the language fluently before. Ricky Martin is the teacher and says it is important for them to learn Spanish because Mexicans are going to take over this country in the near future. No, for real, that’s what basically he says.

Sue also wants that tenured position. But she is a cheerleading coach. Can coaches earn tenure? She also wants to have a baby, and goes looking for a sperm donor among the boys in school. That’s not a good idea if you are up for tenure/do not want to be arrested.

Will introduces Ricky Martin to the glee club. Artie agrees with the girls that he has the “cutest…smile…ever.” Artie turning gay last episode hasn’t worn off yet.

The assignment is to do Latin music, or music written by someone who may be of Latin descent, or just a song with some Spanish in it. That’s an incredibly broad array of music, and the vast majority of songs that would meet Will’s qualification probably wouldn’t be proper “Latin music”. This is what happens when the producers put the potential iTunes sales first.

Ricky performs that dumb fucking LMFAO song. It’s this decade’s “Mambo Number 5”. I now hate this episode. And want Puerto Rico to become independent so we can deport Ricky Martin.

Sam and Mercedes meet with Emma, the guidance counselor. The problem is, Mercedes can’t decide whether she wants to date Sam or the football player we haven’t seen for seven episodes. Why is Sam in the office for this? I would think the answer would obviously be Sam, if he is here and the football player is not. Of all the storylines to drag out. This Mercedes love triangle has lasted longer than Burt’s, played by the Champion of Champions, MIKE O’MALLEY, campaign for Congress. Emma’s suggestion is for Sam and Mercedes to spend a week not speaking to one another. Then, and only then, will Mercedes know who she loves. Emma should not be a guidance counselor.

The swim coach is directing the cheerleaders, much to Sue’s disgust. Sue thinks the swim coach is making a move on her job, which will threaten her non-existent family. The swim coach is like “You too old to have a baby!” I don’t know about that. Tina Fey just had child and she and Sue are about the same age.

Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel are in bed watching Twilight. Like that cunt in the movie, Mercedes can’t choose between two men. Rachel announces she is engaged, but doesn’t want them to tell anyone. She shows off her engagement ring, which she wears on a necklace. Rachel is too stupid to know you wear it on your finger. Mercedes and Kurt call her a dumbass, just not in those exact words. Mercedes sings a song. I would have thought Rachel would, since this was kind of her scene.

After the commercial break, Sam leads the boys in a love song. It’s directed at Mercedes. I must say, Sam is tasking this whole thing really well. If I was in his position, I would tell Mercedes to hurry up and pick me or go fuck herself. “I can find plenty of overweight black girls back in Kentucky.”

Sue and Emma are talking, about what I don’t know. I was on Wikipedia, trying to figure out what the hell bath salts are. Tender music plays, which I’ll assume indicates that Emma agreed to father Sue’s baby.

In the weight room, Kurt confronts Finn for not telling his family about the engagement. “I can’t believe she told you!” says Finn. Kurt rightly calls Finn a fucking dumbass, just not in those exact words.

We then go to Will and Emma at home. Sue doesn’t want Will’s sperm, which made him really pissed off. Will calls Emma’s pamphlets silly. This is the most hurtful thing Emma has ever heard. Her pamphlets are her art. “You’re being really mean,” she meekly says to Will. Man, Emma cannot get angry. I’m sure she’ll get her revenge by adding a little bit of arsenic to his morning coffee.

Ricky and Santana sing “La Isla Bonita” against the background many of us selected during elementary school Picture Day. While they are singing, Finn asks Will about his costume. “I’m an authentic Spanish matador,” Will replies with the kind of force that implies it was a costume he wore for sex games with Emma and is still in character because Emma told him to keep the outfit on. Emma must be super freaky in bed. The quiet ones always are.

Will sings “A Little Less Conversation”. That’s an Elvis song. Elvis wasn’t Hispanic. In fact, he is a white icon. But Will changed some of the lyrics to Spanish, so that counts I guess.

After he ends the song, Will realizes that Santana was the one who complained to the principal. Will accuses Santana of jeopardizing the future of his family if that complaint costs him tenure. Santana says that Will has been disrespecting her culture with his stereotypical costumes. Santana needs to get over herself. If Will was up there as a Viking, or Björk, or–I don’t know–someone who believes in a generous welfare state, I wouldn’t be offended. It’s not like Will was dressed as an illegal immigrant or Mexican drug cartel member. The whole “Don’t disrespect my culture” rants falls flat when you remember that Glee does ethnic jokes a lot. They have an episode called “Asian F”.

Also, Santana shouldn’t even be in Spanish class since she’s known it fluently her whole life.

Ricky Martin is the new Spanish teacher while Will will move on to teach history. Mercedes chose the football player. I think Sam made out well in that deal. Emma won tenure, despite not being a teacher. No one involved with Glee knows what tenure is.

Grade: F

That’s F, for Filler Episode. The Michael episode last week was a big production, which usually means the following episode will be weak. And it was.

Best Song:

“La Isla Bonita” – Madonna. Performed by Santana & Ricky Martin

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

Emma’s Pamphlets: