Glee: 3.13 “Heart”

Season 3 Episode 13
Airdate: February 14, 2012

Will’s Dumb Assignment of the Week: The World’s Greatest Love Song

“Regionals are next week,” Will tells the club, “and we still need to start rehearsing our songs raise $250 for costumes and hairspray.”

The kids groan at the thought of another fundraiser. Sugar is rich, so gives him the money right there and then invites the kids to her Valentines Day’s party. “No single people allowed,” she says. “They are sad and boring and don’t exist in my world.”

To the auditorium, where Finn is wearing Steve Burns’ shirt and we meet Rachel’s fathers, played by Jeff Goldblum and some guy who was not in Jurassic Park. We are not supposed to acknowledge that they do not look anything like the photo Rachel had in her locker in the pilot. Maybe Ryan Murphy will pull a George Lucas and digitally edit that for Blu-ray.

This means Rachel had herself photographed with a random middle-aged, inter-racial couple.

The dads congratulate the kids for getting engaged, while acting all neurotic. I can’t tell if Glee is making fun of gay men or Jews here.

Then, the Asians sing while Artie and Rory compete for Sugar Mulatto’s affection. They really like her now that they know she is rich.

Brittany made Santana a Valentine playlist. They almost kiss in the hallway, but Principal Figgins interrupts them. It seems that someone has been lodging complaints about them kissing in school. Santana is offended that she and Brittany are being singled out. Figgins lets it slip that the complaints were “for religious reasons”.

Before the glee club, Rachel and Finn announce their engagement. Kurt says it is a mistake. So does Quinn. But the rest of the club is supportive. Artie changes the subject to sing what Wikipedia says is “Let Me Love You” to Sugar. She jumps on his lap and they wheel away.

The West McKinley High God Squad (Mercedes, Sam and Quinn, along with new kid Joseph Hart, played The Glee Project winner Samuel Larsen) sing what Wikipedia says is “Stereo Heart” to Rachel. The lead singer of Maroon 5 fronts a second band, which seems like two more bands than he should be allowed to. The song was on behalf of Finn. The God Squad will perform Valentine’s love songs for your special someone. That is…for a price.

Santana wants them to sing to Brittany.

Rory sings a song. He was unable to get his student visa extended and will have to return to Ireland at the end of the school year. He is very sad because the kids have done so much to make him feel like he is home. Yeah, it’s hard to make a small town in America feel like Ireland. I mean, besides the language and surnames and frequency of Irish pubs. I mean, The US has only a mere two or three holidays based on Irish traditions! Maybe Rory doesn’t understand how much Irish influence there is in the United States. When St. Patrick Day comes around, Rory is going to the think the glee club organized that parade just for him.

Right there, Sugar dumps Artie to be with Rory. “I feel worse than you than I do for Artie,” she says before asking Rory to be her Valentine. Having to live in Ireland is worse than being a cripple.

The request to sing for Santana’s girlfriend has put The God Squad on the spot. Joe isn’t totally comfortable, so the God Squad debate homosexuality from a Christian perspective. It is a complicated issue the writers of Glee are not talented enough to address.

Then, Sam and Mercedes talk about their relationship. I do not care and spent this time plating with my cat. I’ve had her since I was little. She is 18 now, which finally makes her old enough to have sex with. Don’t look at me like that. Why would they nickname those little animals “pussy cats” if you’re not supposed to have sex with them?

Mercedes sings a Whitney Houston song. What that coincidence! Whitney Houston pulled an Amy Winehouse just three days before this episode aired.

Rachel’s parents host a dinner with Finn’s parents and the engaged couple. But it’s a trap. Rachel’s dads expect the young couple to share her bed tonight. Finn’s folks even packed him an overnight bag. Rachel and Finn are completely stunned. Rachel’s parents will be in the house, but don’t worry, they won’t listen in because it involves a vulva.

Neither Finn nor Rachel actually want to have sex. Rachel occupies her bathroom with her long and weird bedtime routine. Finn says he needs to poo. “You can’t do that here!” she tells him. “We don’t have toilets in this house. None of us have ever needed one.”

Meanwhile, Kurt arrives early to Sugar’s Valentine’s party at Fazoli’s Breadstix. Kurt has been getting notes from a secret admirer, who he suspects is Blaine. A man in a gorilla suit approaches Kurt with a card. Blaine have never looked better!

The secret admirer is actually Karofsky. Oh so, when he bullied Kurt, it was like when a boy bullies a girl in elementary school. Back then, I imagine quite a few little boys picked on Kurt thinking he was a little girl. Can you imagine how indeterminate Kurt’s gender was before puberty?

Karofsky says he admires how strong Kurt is for being out, but Kurt turns him down. A sad Karofsky leaves, but not before a boy at his new school overheard the part where he offered to stick candy up Kurt’s butt.

Instead of having sex, Finn and Rachel snuggle for awhile and then go to the party.  Downstairs, Rachel’s dad worry because they don’t hear the kids fighting anymore. This was a plan to get them to break up, because both sets of parents feel they are too young for marriage. Rachel and Finn come downstairs and announce they have set the date for May after Nationals. These two always have to make Nationals about them, don’t they?

Over at the party, the God Squad gets up on stage. Are they going to sing for Brit? Are they? ARE THEY??? Joe takes the mic and says, “After thinking and praying about it, I knew there was only one answer. Absolutely. Love is love man.”

Whew! I was worried there. The song is a mash up of two different songs titled “Cherish.”

Sugar and Rory dance. Sugar wishes there was a way to keep Rory from being deported. “Maybe my dad can buy Ireland,” Sugar says. He probably could. It can’t be that expensive. Things are so bad over there right now that Northern Ireland is the nicest part of Ireland. I bet we never thought that would be the case, but it is.

Santana and Brittany kiss. Whoop whoop!

One-eyed Blaine enters the scene. Aw, shit, I was really hoping he’d be off the show.  The glee kids sing that one song from The Flintstones movie.

Grade: D

Best Musical Number:

“I Will Always Love You” – Whitney Houston version. Performed by Mercedes

Kurt’s Sugar’s Best Outfit: