Glee: 3.15 “Big Brother”

Season 3 Episode 15
Airdate: April 10, 2012

I am not going to recap “On My Way” because it sucks my butt, so let’s move onto this episode, which also kinds of sucks. Rachel and Finn did not get married due to Quinn’s car accident, but now plan to in Chicago during Nationals. The couple keeps pushing back the date of their wedding. I think because Ryan Murphy keeps planning to write the wedding episode, but then spends all day masturbating in front of a mirror.

Quinn is in a wheelchair because Ryan Murphy hates her. “Hey, here’s the most popular girl in school, let’s make her pregnant and then her parents will kick her out of the house. Also, she’ll be kicked off the cheer team. OK, in season two, she’ll be back on the cheer team and dating the popular boy but then he will break up with her. Also, her baby will be in the same town, but Quinn won’t be allowed near her. ” She and Artie sing “I’m Still Standing’” with horrible lip-syncing.

“Don’t text and drive,” Quinn tells us, because Ryan Murphy thinks Glee is about teaching important lessons to young people. Quinn says that the doctor believes she could make a total recovery and promises to be dancing by the time they get to Nationals. I don’t think you can recover from a spinal injury in a month.

The swim coach has been appointed the co-coach of Cheerios, much to Sue’s consternation. Sue has won several National Championships, but she had one bad year so it’s all gone to poop. We’ve all seen Bring It On, we know how harsh competitive high school cheerleading is. Sue bets her future on the glee club, which will be awarded a $10,000 cash prize if they win at Nationals. The principal will let Sue return to being the only captain of the cheer team if she can help make that happen. Now the tables are turned, and Sue has to be on the glee club’s side for once. It’s like the episode of Darkwing Duck where Darkwing Duck had to team up with Megavolt.

Look it up, asshole.

Sue rides the kids hard at dance practice, just like she does as a cheer coach. Will got an email from Kurt (glinda94@bravotvfanclub.com) about it and complains to Sue. Sue, of course, refuses to care what Will thinks.

Here’s Blaine’s brother, a commercial actor in Los Angeles back in his hometown to pay the family a visit as well as rub his success in the face of all the jocks who called him a “theater fag” in high school and are now busing tables.

The glee seniors meet to plan Senior Ditch Day. I went to high school and still have no idea with that is. I don’t even know whether skipping counts as an unexcused absence. My class didn’t really have a Skip Day plan. I think a few people went canoeing, and everyone else stayed home and watched daytime TV, or went to school. Back when I was in high school, Lifetime aired Homicide: Life on the Street in their daytime lineup, instead of eight hours of Reba in a row like they do now. Also, Comedy Central played Kids in the Hall and Farley-ear SNL. My point is, back then, you had a good reason to stay home from school. Nowadays daytime TV is all crappy Judge Judy knockoffs and Oprah’s minions and Law & Order. Stay in school kids. There is nothing for you between 9am and 3pm.

The kids plan to go to Six Flags. I want to point out that Ohio does not have a Six Flags, it has Cedar Point, which is better. Goddamn it Los Angeles based production companies, just because you have a Six Flags in southern California doesn’t mean everyone does. And FYI: It’s not Carl’s Jr. here, it’s HARDEES!!!

Anyway, after the meeting ends, Puck proposes to Finn that they move to LA together to expand his pool cleaning business. Finn doesn’t want to, as he already plans to move to New York with Rachel and be her househusband. Puck makes a whip crack motion and suggests Finn go to Target to buy some panties. Or Puck should have.

Sue scribbles “LAZY IDIOTS” on the white board in the glee room. It is more apt than anything Will has ever written up there. She introduces Brother Blaine to the kids. Brother Blaine offers to give the kids an acting class, which excites them all. Except Blaine, who knows his brother is a dingus. Because he shares the same genes as Blaine, and anyone who does is a dingus.

The Brothers Blaine sing a Duran Duran mash-up, and then have dinner at Breadstix. Blaine has a great deal of resentment towards his brother for pushing him around when they were kids. We get a flashback from the ‘90s where Brother Blaine berated a little Blaine for not dancing properly to “MMMBop”. The Hanson brothers were little Blaine’s first crush but he didn’t know he was gay until many years later when someone informed him they were boys.

Artie is helping Quinn learn The Ways of the Wheelchair. This is also an opportunity for Quinn to learn Artie’s name. Artie coaches Quinn to make it up the steepest wheelchair ramp in town. And Quinn makes it! At this point, I was wondering if older paraplegics look down on the younger ones as spoiled. “You whippersnappers don’t know how good you have it. You should have seen how hard it was to get around before the Americans with Disabilities Act. Back in my day, we didn’t have those fancy-smancy electric wheelchairs. We had to push with our arms or we couldn’t get nowhere. You didn’t even lose your legs in Vietnam!”

Brother Blaine’s acting class is terrible.  He makes them re-enact a weird scene from NCIS, which sounds silly enough to have been taken from a real episode.

Puck takes Finn along on one of his pool cleaning jobs to try to convince him that it would be worth doing this in LA. Finn is sold when he meets the hot older lady who owns the pool. Finn can’t wait to get to California and stare at all the sun-damaged cougars! Finn has seen both The Real Housewives of Orange County and Beverly Hills. He knows that women in southern California never mature mentally past 19.

Blaine and Brother Blaine talk some more in the hallway. Why is Blaine’s brother always in school? Don’t they talk about their issues at home? Blaine sings Christina Agularouche’s “Fighter” to express his emotions about his big brother. Oh my, my older brother was tough on me as a kid and acted like every other big brother in America. I am so tortured!!! Oh shutup, Blaine. Blaine is such a whiny baby. I got hit in the face with cold liquid drink! I need to spend two weeks in the hospital. Season 4 is going to suck when it becomes The Blaine Show. The only way to save Glee will be for Ryan Murphy to make Sugar Motta the new female lead.

So, Sue went to the doctor and learned that her baby will be born with Down’s Syndrome like Becky. Yeah, who knew that having a child when you are over 40 could result in a birth defect? There sure is a lot of Down’s in Sue’s family. That is God telling them not to replicate.

While the other glee seniors go to Six Flags, Artie takes Quinn to a skate park that is overrun by kids who are either in wheelchairs or amputees. A skate park full of cripples! This is hilarious! Oh my God, I cannot stop laughing!

Artie is trying to introduce Quinn to the disabled community, but Quinn rejects them because she still believes her condition will only be temporary. If Peggy Hill could rebound from falling out of an airplane, Quinn can come back from this. Hell, if Peggy Hill learned to walk again, so can Artie.

Look it up, asshole.

Back at school, that Sam Larsen kid who won The Glee Project helps Quinn. He is a member of the school’s Jesus Posse along with her. He says he will pray for Quinn. Quinn assumes he will pray for her to walk again, but he says he will merely pray so that Quinn is able to accept herself—whether she walks again or not. “Why would I pray to God for a miracle? I mean, come on already.”

With Kurt’s encouragement, Blaine sings another song about his brother. Blaine sings too much. But Brother Blaine gets the message this time. Brother confesses that he always rode Blaine hard because he knew how talented his little sibling is. Brother also says his career in LA is not going as well as everyone thinks. He auditioned for a Michael Bay movie but just found out, “Michael Bay decided to go in a different direction.” He wanted to cast another female to replace Megan Fox.

Finn suggests that Rachel move to LA to work on getting into TV shows and musicals. But Rachel still has her heart set on New York and Broadway, so Finn walks away. Hopefully, now Finn and Puck will marry.

Grade: D

Best Musical Performance: None. Giving one for this episode would be like awarding the Nobel Peace Prize during World War II.

Sugar’s Best Outfit: