Season 3 Episode 17
Airdate: April 24, 2012
Porpoise of Life Name: Whitney Houston Episode
Lesson of the Week: We’re going to ignore that Whitney Houston died of a drug overdose and act like it was breast cancer or something.
Aw man, Mercedes is singing. Her grandmother just died and she is sad. Santana, Rachel, and Kurt soon join her, so at least we have three good looking girls to stare at.
The kids are still mourning the passing of Whitney Houston back in February. Because that really hit America’s high school seniors hard. “You think after two months they’d let it go,” Will tells Emma. You’d think after seeing how fucknuts crazy Whitney Houston had been acting for the past five years, her death wouldn’t have been a shock to anyone. Come on, she claimed to have never touched crack during an interview in which she was tweeking out. I mean, if you heard that Lindsay Lohan overdosed in a truck stop bathroom with a baby alligator up her vagina, would you be surprised? No, of course not.
Emma knows how the kids feel. Like all women of below average looks and no life in 1997, she mourned the death of Princess Diana for months.
Will writes “Whitney” on the glee club whiteboard. He means Whitney Cummings. “You assignment this week is to get a sitcom on NBC despite not being funny.”
Joking aside, I understand the glee kids’ pain over Houston. I couldn’t stop mourning when Chris Farley died. But he has 100X the talent Houston had.
True fact: Both Chris Farley and Whitney Houston died from a drug overdose. And their bodies were found in the exact same hotel bathtub! Eeerry!
Brittany and Santana sing “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and I guess re-enact the video. I haven’t seen that many ‘80s-early ‘90s music videos, unless it’s that Twisted Sister video Dee Snider talks about on VH-1 all the time. I think Dee Snider is an employee of VH-1. Or maybe they let him live in an empty storage closet in their offices in exchange for appearing in all their 100 Greatest _____ in Rock specials.
“I’ve been practicing Whitney Houston’s version of the Star Spangled Banner all night and I still can’t sing it,” says Rachel to Kurt. Well, I’ve been practicing Jimmy Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner all night and I still can’t sing it.
Kurt tells Rachel about another gay boy from another high school glee club who bound for New York after graduation. His name is Chandler and Kurt took an interest after finally realizing that Blaine is a flake.
Joe and Quinn sing “Saving All My Love for You”. Quinn fell for Joe when he was helping her with physical therapy, which is getting to third base with a cripple.
We then go right to Santana and Rachel singing “So Emotional”.
In the middle of it, Kurt gets a text from Chandler.
In the bathroom, the girls talk about important subjects like the presidential race, Israel/Palestine, and how to fix America’s education system. That’s why they were all in there for 45 minutes. Ha ha. No, I’m joking. I mean they do their makeup and talk about boys because there will never be a woman president. Quinn is sad because she feels that Joe does not like her because of the wheelchair. Joe is a white guy with dreadlocks, who is he to be picky about girls?
But Joe does like Quinn, he is just nervous about acting on his feelings due to being very religious and not having much interaction with girls due to having been home schooled. Joe asks Sam for advice. Joe feels that it would be wrong to do anything with Quinn unless they are married. Sam replies that those rules were written into the Bible back when people got married as soon as puberty started.
I want us all to acknowledge that Joe looks like that one guy from the Black Eyed Peas and that the possibility exists that he is indeed that person. Fergie has a solo career now, so doesn’t need the three guys around anymore. Maybe he thought winning The Glee Project was his best chance to maintain a career in show business. It marks a new start for him. Now he can sing for once and not just make karate moves in the background.
Blaine sees that Chandler has been texting Kurt. Oh no, Blaine is going to be a crybaby again. “You like this guy,” cries Blaine. “I like the way he makes me feel,” says Kurt, “my prostate tingles when he says my name.” Blaine sings “It’s Not Right but It’s Okay”.
Rachel tells Santana that their duet was great and it is too bad they spent the first three years of high school not being friends. Santana agrees. Rachel asks Santana to put her photo in her locker. Rachel wants to be Santana’s new girlfriend.
Kurt’s father Burt, played by the man who wrote the Dead Parrot sketch, MIKE O’MALLEY, notices that Kurt is not planning to take Blaine’s photo with him to New York. Oh yeah, also Burt is now a Congressman. You’d think that would have become a major part of the show. But they haven’t done anything with it because the Glee writers do not think things through.
Then Kurt sings “I Have Nothing”.
Kurt and Blaine are in Emma’s office for couples counseling. Blaine questions if she is qualified for this. “Not really,” admits Emma, “or at all.” Emma originally applied to teach junior high swimming, but the office mixed up the paperwork.
Will and Emma met with a wedding planner. Oh, I forgot that Will and Emma are getting married, because we haven’t seen much of them and Rachel and Finn having been hogging the screen time by pushing back their wedding date once an episode.
Will wants to get married in May so the glee kids will still be in town for the event. He also wants a stage so they can sing. Because of the short time frame, they have had troubling finding an adequate venue, so Will opts to have the ceremony at a KOA campground. Emma does not want to get married there because of her OCD. Also she’s a woman. I don’t find a wedding at a campground unusual, but then again I live in the Upper Peninsula, and campgrounds often has the most reliable electricity. Emma wants to push back the date to the fall so they can plan it perfectly. But Will is worried that the glee kids will not bother to come back for his wedding. Emma assures him they will. It looks like we have a set up for a season 4 episode. Or maybe not. It’s asking the Glee producers a lot to expect them to plan for next season.
Joe helps Quinn with her physical therapy. Shouldn’t a physical therapist being doing this? “When I’m with you, I don’t care what God says about sins of the flesh,” says Joe. “I just want to know what it would feel like to be up next to you.” That’s the sexiest line in Glee history, but only because John Stamos never once shouted, “Have mercy!” when he was on. I am still angry about it, too.
Artie and Mercedes started singing, so I turned off the TV. Goodnight.